What animal account should you follow on Instagram?
Do you wake up every morning and immediately lose any sense of bliss the second you remember that Donald Trump is still president? Do you spend endless hours wondering how long it’s going to take for him to be impeached? Are you still shell-shocked at the loss of certainty that you once took for granted?
Distract yourself for a few seconds every day by following an animal on Instagram. If you’re not sure who to follow, we’ve got you covered:
1. What’s your favorite domesticated animal?
a. A porcupine that wears a little hat.
b. A wide-eyed baby kitten that’s tiny enough to cup in your hands.
c. A Siberian husky with a bad personality.
d. An albino rat is the only thing that fits my aesthetic.
2. If you could live off of one food, what would it be?
a. Giant apples that are half my size. Preferably without worms, but I’ll eat one if it’s in there.
b. Peanut butter, which I’d only ingest if it were dumped into a swimming pool.
c. Paper napkins spray-painted to look like pizza.
d. Rats from an upscale sewer.
3. Do you like furry animals?
a. Furry animals are overrated.
b. Hell yeah! I have a dog and a cat. They’re married.
c. Yeah. The fluffier, the better.
d. No, furry animals need to shave.
4. Who was the last person you followed on Instagram?
a. Chrissy Teigen. She’s hilarious on Twitter, and her face is hot.
b. Gigi Hadid. Kids these days seem to love her.
c. Natasha Lyonne. She posts the weirdest stuff.
d. I don’t have an Instagram account, but I’ll make one if it provides me the content I never knew I wanted.
5. What’s your favorite Eddie Murphy movie?
6. What’s your dorm/suite/apartment like?
a. It’s very colorful.
b. It’s well-decorated enough to be in a soccer mom’s fever dream.
c. I keep forgetting where I live.
d. The walls are covered in fishnets.
If you got mostly As:
Follow Hedgehog Azuki. Azuki is a sweet hedgehog who lives in Japan. He loves apples. Following him on Instagram can immediately brighten your day. A lot of bad news on Twitter? Guess what? Azuki just posted a video of him at the dentist! Every time I watch it, I publicly cackle and I cannot control it.
Azuki’s IG handle: hedgehog_azuki
If you got mostly Bs:
Follow Ralph the Corgi. Ralph is pretty internet famous already and is palatable to most pet lovers. He’s a corgi, for goodness sake. He’s got those tiny legs that somehow hold up his disproportionately large body. He is so furry. He is so beautiful. He sells calendars with his face on them. Ralph is a good corgi.
Ralph the Corgi’s IG handle: ralphthecorgi
If you got mostly Cs:
Follow Uni the Raccoon. Uni is a furry golden raccoon who lives in Taiwan. Uni always looks stoned, which is funny, because she’s a raccoon. She’s frequently pictured hanging out in duffel bags or stretching out on the floor. Her owner is also pretty big on posting videos, which range from cute (aw, she’s petting Uni!) to strange (aw, Uni is gnawing on her owner’s toes for 57 full seconds!). Uni is not just an Instagram pet; Uni is an Instagram experience.
Uni’s IG handle: uni_raccoon
If you got mostly Ds
Follow Beautiful Snakes. It’s not one snake, but many snakes—beautiful snakes. Dogs and cats are cool, but you’re passionate about less common pets. Even if they’re atypical, they’re still beautiful! A guy I went to high school with used to sell baby pythons over Facebook, so you’re kind of like that, but less extreme.
Beautiful Snakes IG handle: beautifulsnakes