Top 10 bedroom offenders

How to watch for that girl/guy obstructing your sleep

| Scene Sex Columnist

Sometimes having a cuddle buddy can be nice, but other times, it can go horribly wrong. Who are these bedroom offenders, and what do they do? The following list provides a brief snapshot of the typical suspects.

(Photos from MCT)

1. The Blanket Thief: We’re all familiar with this one. You wake up in the middle of the night freezing (!), only to find that your significant other has snatched up not one, but both of your blankets (the fleece and the quilt, really?), and has wrapped them furiously around his or her limbs. Taking them back not only will take all of your post-coital arm strength, but also has the potential to wake the bandit!

2. The Pillow Talker: After finally settling down on your respective sides of the bed, all is still, quiet—even peaceful. That is, until the Pillow Talker injects his or her “Are you still awake?” Then the restless small talk commences. While this offender can be more endearing than psychologically vexing, in the end, his or her nocturnal chatter will only chip away at your needed eight hours.

3. The Mouth Breather: Ooh, hot breath on the nape of your neck! Something slightly sexy turns into prickly droplet huffing so easily. Once your partner’s in REM cycle, there’s no stopping his or her desert wind impersonation.

4. The Sheet Ruffler: Maybe not everyone uses a top sheet, but for those who like that between-the-blanket coverlet, its papery noises are no stranger. But there are partners who take these noises to the extreme, shifting and tossing about with two sets of toes clanging amid your Egyptian cotton. Getting comfortable just got annoying.

5. The Pooling Drooler: Just bought a brand-new memory foam pillow? Keep that thing away from the elusive Pooling Drooler. This bed-buddy may seem cuddly at first, but after a deep night’s sleep, his or her mouth residue will inch forth from its original home. In the most dramatic of Pooling Drooler situations, his or her self-made puddle will not only mar your novel pillow, but will also spread onto you—causing hair matting and general discomfort.

6. The Nail Knifer: Think you don’t need to trim your toenails because it’s winter? Well, grow at your own risk. Sharp toenails + partners in a dorm bed = a serious sleeping safety hazard. Nail knifing perpetrators accidentally slice their partner’s limbs while snoozing—with bloodshed not out of the question.

7. The All-Consumer: Perhaps this bedtime troublemaker should be called the pancake, for when you are deep in slumber and least expecting it, he or she will ooze across the bed like batter, taking up every last inch of your claimed bed space. Again, this can only be remedied by an optimistic push or stir of the perpetrator in his or her pancake-ocity. Groaning or protest from the pancake may ensue.

8. The Pillow Launcher: Distinct from the Pillow Talker, the Pillow Launcher is known for wildly or mildly swiping pillows from their rightful place on bed and letting them fall to the floor as he or she dreams idly. Sometimes Pillow Launchers will cause said objects to become lodged behind bed frames or mattresses. For the sensitive head, this cannot end well.

9. The Clock Snoozer: OK, we all do this. Alone. But when you’ve got two people with two different schedules and two different clocks, you’ve got potential for the offenses of the Clock Snoozer. Not only will this partner snooze his or her own alarm, rapt in the throes of sweet morning cuddles, but he will snooze yours, TOO! The cold air compared to the warm bodies is just too much for the Clock Snoozer. And now you’ve missed your mandatory discussion section.

10. The Crumb Carrier: This offender’s transgression, unfortunately, affects your sheets after they’ve left the scene, after you’ve finished tossing about in the remnants of crackers. He or she thinks a midnight snack is in order—and that’s just fine. But his or her snack remains on their shirt! And now it’s in your bed! All the scratching and reorganizing comes not from phantom bed bugs, but from the sloppy accident he or she dragged in from the kitchen. Use of a dust buster may be in order.

  • Johnny

    Lucy, your articles are really entertaining/informative – keep up the good work!