Mile High Club Etiquette

| Sex Columnist

Say you’re sitting next to a hunky gentleman in a tie. He’s reading some fiction piece from the New Yorker behind almost-hipster glasses. His perfectly-muscular forearm brushes against yours, as you both move for the shared armrest. You’re in seat 14E, and he’s 14F—and all you can think about is how he might be secretly looking over your shoulder to read the “75 Crazy Hot Sex Moves” article in “Cosmopolitan.” You glance down the aisle to the lavatory, which flashes “Vacant” in green letters.

The scene popping into your head is a familiar fantasy for many: you; hunky, older intellectual gentleman; and the plastic top of the sink that may or may not have remnants of swine flu. Brushing up against the no smoking sign. Moans broken by the rattling of the beverage tray. Hot.

Snap back to the beginning of the fantasy. Your eye contact isn’t broken by words but instead is only fueled by the silence as you play footsie with this hunky gentleman. He leads your hand down the aisle and you wait for the lavatory together, your brow gathering more perspiration than his in a mix of apprehension and anticipation.

Hunky gentleman pulls open the lavatory door, revealing a whirlwind of loose toilet paper and a floor covered by unidentified liquid. Almost hotter than a bathroom at a bar…

Are you ready to join what was named in 1916 as the “Mile High Club?” The pilot boasts that the aircraft is floating happily at 35,000 feet, so you are within the Mile High Club’s actual regulation that intercourse must take place over 5,280 feet above Earth. According to the real club’s legalese, you have got to be an official with some sort of control of the plane—i.e. a flight attendant or assistant—intermixing with a coworker aboard.

But let’s ignore this—it’s hard enough to have sex on a plane without being on the job! And I’m only talking about physically. Although the majority of airlines have no actual laws preventing air sex acts that remain private (with the exception of Singapore Airlines aircrafts containing double beds in first class in 2007), being caught in the act or disturbing passengers can get you in deep trouble.

Not only could you be banned from your airline of choice for those moans perhaps un-jostled by the beverage cart, but you could be charged with public indecency or even endangering passengers if it becomes too distracting. Sex on a plane—whether in the “privacy” of the lavatory or in your last-row seat—is like sex anywhere else considered public.

Still intrigued by bending over a toilet that flushes like a vacuum, while a handsome stranger holds onto the walls for leverage? Behoove simple Mile High etiquette: Watch those plastic bathroom contraptions, keep the dirty talk and spanking to a minimum and don’t let the children see. You’re bound to escape with a story. And maybe it will even help you pop your ears.

To read more about the Mile-High Club and real-life airborne escapades, visit http://www.milehighclub.com/

  • Mile High Clubber

    “…which country’s laws govern the offence may depend on the destination, the departure point, the country over which the offence is committed and the country where the plane is registered” – BBC.