Breaking down our relationship dealbreakers

Valentine’s Day is around the corner, but Student Life is picky. Here’s who won’t be getting any of our conversation hearts Sunday morning.

You say yes when I want to go to Taco Bell. You’re supposed to make me a better person! Not a person who eats a Cheesy Gordita Crunch and a Shredded Chicken Quesarito at 2 a.m. I’m totally not that person. Totally not. —Megan Magray, Editor-in-Chief

You don’t listen to barbershop music. A woman who doesn’t like to go out on a Wednesday night to see middle-aged men in pin-striped suits and straw hats sing in close harmony is no woman of mine. —Noah Jodice, Associate Editor

You like Mexican food. It’s the Dane Cook of foods: it sounds OK when other people talk about it, but when you order it at 1 a.m. after a night of poor decisions you can’t help but hate yourself afterwards. The flavors often clash, and I can never eat a taco without the contents ending up on my lap. —Aaron Brezel, Senior Sports Editor

You smile like Hillary Clinton. It’s OK to not be happy. You don’t have to smile all of the time. But don’t force a smile so hard that people worry about your teeth shattering. People aren’t going to judge you for a generally neutral expression. —Ella Chochrek, Copy Chief

You’re a wet kisser. I once dated a disgustingly wet kisser. Like both-chins-soaked-after-a-goodnight-peck wet. And it was the first guy I kissed, so I just thought that kissing was really gross. It wasn’t until I later kissed a non-wet kisser that I realized it actually isn’t gross, but the wet kisser was very gross. —Sarah Hands, Managing Editor

You willingly eat those sad grocery store bagels. This is only excusable in a veritable bagel emergency, like if you’re craving a pizza bagel so badly that you would cut out a bagel-shaped piece of cardboard and put sauce and cheese on it. Even that might be better than that Thomas-brand garbage. I am already deprived of quality bagels in St. Louis; please respect my bagel snobbery. —Katharine Jaruzelski, Managing Editor

You don’t like Mexican food. I mean the hole-in-the-wall Tex Mex, grease-dripping-off-the-chips Mexican food. It’s cheap and the chips and salsa (and sometimes guacamole) are usually unlimited. Dating someone who wants to eat food I can’t pronounce would be fun if I was super into my own image. But I’m not. Just eat some chips. —Wesley Jenkins, Senior Forum Editor

You’re a passport-toting member of Red Sox Nation. Alternatively, you think it’s a good idea to sing “Sweet Caroline” at baseball games. Or you’re just sweet and your name is Caroline. That’s two degrees too close to Fenway. —Zach Kram, Longform Editor

You are a bad hugger. If you’re not into hugs, that’s fine, and I will respect your stance. But a half-hearted hug is even worse than a dead-fish handshake. Commit to the hug, or keep your hands to yourself—we’ll both be better off. —Manvitha Marni, Managing Editor

You are someone who likes J. Cole. He is, unfortunately, super popular and has dedicated fans. I’m sure there are people who were introduced to hip-hop through Wiz Khalifa or Hoodie Allen and then heard J. Cole and were like “Wow, this guy’s so much better!” I’m sure some of those people are not terrible, but I’m not trying to date any of them. —Mark Matousek, Cadenza Editor

You don’t think Hilary Swank is hot. She’s hot, okay? Ever since “The Office” brought up this issue, it’s been on the top of my list for screening out suitors. She is hot, and if you disagree, you are not. —Lindsay Tracy, Scene Editor

Cheese. Just cheese. —Maddie Wilson, Managing Editor