Who needs teriyaki sauce anyway?
As college students, we’re basically children when it comes to eating habits, but we’re definitely not throwing a temper tantrum at the recent round of ruthless menu cuts decreasing dining options on campus. If anything, we want the University to take even more of a parental approach in our dietary decisions. We also demand finger painting, recess and nap hours.
For starters, the tater-tot serving size has mysteriously shrunk faster than every freshman’s hope of a 4.0. Why are we serving these tiny, deep fried heart attacks anyway? It’s not like anyone ever orders them. And speaking of fried foods, the half-and-half could really use a reduction, too. We think the quarter-and-quarter has a much better ring to it!
Please, don’t stop with just the fried foods, though. We think that you should comb our food with tweezers to remove every grain of sugar. The baked goods and other snacks in the Cherry Tree Cafe, though sweet, satisfying and convenient, are chock-full of unhealthy components that tempt our sticky fingers.
We urge Dining Services to go further than just shrinking cupcake size and kidnapping gummy bears. Cut all the baked goods that are anything more than a simple slice of whole wheat, high-fiber bread designed to make one more regular than the disappearance of free condoms on a freshman floor.
Recently the option of teriyaki sauce, a student favorite, disappeared from the slips at the stir-fry station. It was tasty and perfectly salted, and the resulting high blood pressure was necessary to keep us awake. Why stop with just the teriyaki sauce? Sauces are flavorful distractions from the integrity of the palette-arousing plain meat, vegetables and rice.
If you have been to brunch on the South 40, you might have noticed some of the new plates being used, with labeled sections for different food groups: fruits, grains, vegetables and proteins. These new plates will make it much easier for students to separate their ramen from their Easy Mac when they inevitably steal the plates because stealing plates is more a staple in Wash. U. students’ eating behaviors than vegetables are.
Despite all these changes, Wash. U. is still known as one of the best college campuses for food. Sure, we’ve been steadily dropping in the rankings of college food (recently falling from fifth to ninth in the Princeton Review), but this drop isn’t happening fast enough. Our ability to draw students based on things other than academics is horrific. Cut, cut, until we are out of the Top 50!