Finally, a candidate who can multitask

We would like to congratulate Herman Cain on the most recent reveal of his commitment to the opposite sex. On Tuesday, a woman came forth claiming that she and Cain had a 13-year affair until he began running for president. He would pay for her plane tickets out to conferences, where the two would carry on all sorts of intimate activities.

In recent weeks, Herman Cain has been accused by several women of sexual harassment in the workplace; these are allegations he has strongly denied. We believe that this most recent revelation about his personal life shows just what kind of moral and upstanding citizen he is. We believe that with this relationship, he has shown how much he deserves to be president.

Herman Cain is evidently not the type of man who will have a one-night stand with a woman. He does not simply sleep with women and never see them again. No; clearly Herman Cain truly cares about the people he spends his nights with, and clearly he loves commitment. Not only has he been married for decades, but he has also carried on a long-term relationship with another woman.

Herman Cain not only is in for the long haul, but obviously does his best to take care of the ladies in his life. In this regard, we believe that the women who accused him of sexual harassment were incorrect in their assessment of the candidate for president. He was not looking for a “one-night stand”; Herman Cain obviously believed that these women were good candidates to start a long-term relationship.

We also urge all voters to take another serious look at Cain. He is a man that has a lot of love to give, apparently to anyone. We believe that his capacity for caring is limitless and that his ability to take care of the country is reflected by that. No other candidate has shown as much love and desire towards the American public, and no other candidate appears to have that quality that makes him singularly qualified to run the country.

Also, voters should look at Cain’s ability to manage his own schedule. He was the head of a national pizza chain (Godfather’s Pizza), was married, and carried on a long-term relationship with another woman. Herman Cain is obviously a man with a strong ability to manage time. The presidency requires meetings with a huge amount of people, and we believe Herman Cain has the capability to manage all those meetings in a very effective manner.

And finally, to Herman Cain: We know you are reconsidering your presidential bid. Do not do it. Don’t give up. You have proven how much you intimately care about the American people. You are the best man for the job, and we want you to be the next president of the United States.