Hi, my name is John Schmidt, and with this sentence, I’ve gained immortality. This column is, so to speak, my philosopher’s stone, my Great American Novel, my legacy. Each time a future employer, romantic interest or curious acquaintance Googles my name, somewhere in the search results this’ll be there, and I’ll be reviewed on Yelp! accordingly because of it.

Over the course of the past month there have been outbreaks of both measles and mumps in the states of Missouri and Ohio.

Dear Chancellor Wrighton (and the board of trustees): Have you been inside the new Bauer Hall? It’s pretty impressive—six stories of soaring glass-and-steel atrium, state-of-the-art classrooms and impeccable modern decor. But what am I talking about—of course you’ve been inside; you’re the ones who run this school.

From the Kent State protests to the Kony 2012 campaign, there is an undeniable trend that April showers bring a little more than May flowers: zealous youth with enough energy to fight literally any type of “injustice.

I was up until 3 a.m. Thursday morning because of Student Life production. About 2 1/2 hours later, I was woken up by a siren blaring to announce the arrival of the first tornado of 2014—what literally everybody wants to be woken by. I got on my iPhone’s Twitter app, did a quick search for “tornado St. Louis” and found that one had touched down in University City at 5:22 a.m.

Just last week, Fred Phelps—the infamous leader of the Westboro Baptist Church—finally kicked it after a long struggle with personal health issues and America’s heathens.

Much to the chagrin of most students who have already taken the SAT, the College Board has recently decided to revise its exam. I believe this is for the better.

This past Sunday night, Fisht Olympic Stadium in Sochi, Russia came alive one last time for an inspiring display of acrobatics, stunts and dances. Fans from around the world packed the stadium for support as their nations’ athletes took one last lap around the stadium to officially close out the Winter Olympic season.

As the interconnectedness of nations and people worldwide increases, impacts of armed conflict become much less isolated than they once were. It should be a national priority to shift away from military action and more toward the use of soft powers.

Bitcoins have had an interesting history. Created in 2009 as a way to circumvent traditional credit agencies and make online transactions cheaper, they have gone on to be the currency of choice for money launderers, people who wish to purchase illicit items and most recently, speculators. For the uninformed, a bitcoin is an anonymous cryptocurrency.