An alternative guide to finals

| Forum Editor

Mike Hirshon | Student Life
Are you sick and tired of all these conventional finals guides? Are you tired of being told the right ways to study, what drinks have the most caffeine and where the best places to study are? Well, if you are, you’ve come to the right place. It’s easy to follow the rules. Going to the library, grabbing a coffee and studying gets repetitive. Is it effective? Yes, but so is torture.

Is your connection with your desk fading? Are you two fighting over the small things that really indicate a deeper rift in your relationship? Finals studying needs a little shock, your study habits could use a little spice. The following suggestions bring the best of the badass method of final prep. If you really want to show your finals who’s boss and rediscover the affinity you and your study habits once had for each other, you need look no further.

Let’s start things off slowly. You don’t want to strain yourself early. The alternative side of finals studying can be strenuous. You need to make sure you ease into the process. Try…

Naked studying—Free your body, free your mind, right? Whether you choose to indulge in this method in public or private, you will instantly notice the liberating effects of naked studying. With your body freed from its cotton prison and exposed to the elements, you will notice how much easier it is to grasp difficult topics like basic arithmetic, or the alphabet.

Drunk studying—Liquor relaxes the soul and improves sociability, making your study breaks far more productive. It is also scientifically proven to boost memory function, so you’ll be on top of your game when reading your abnormal psych textbook. Scientists say that if you take drugs like Adderall to study, you should take the test on them as well.

This philosophy applies to drunk studying as well. Ever heard of drunken recall? Even if you bombed the final, you’ll think you did well. Plus, you’ll be good and ready to go out immediately after finishing your test. Now that’s what I call efficiency!

If you are more experienced in the art of alternative studying, you should opt for a more intense method. Try…

Club studying—Tons of people study with music, so why not take this study habit to the next level? The pulsing music and blinding strobe lights encourage focus. If you aren’t prone to seizure, you’ll notice the enhancing effects immediately. Find a table, preferably near the DJ booth, and make sure you get bottle service. You won’t want to get thirsty.

Need a study break? Start fist-pumping—it increases blood flow to the brain. Feeling tired? You’ll have access to all sorts of stimulants. This approach to studying may set you back a few hundred dollars, you know, between the cost of the table and everything, so you should really be dedicated to the cause.

Note: This study method often incorporates drunk studying.

For the advanced alternative studiers, I suggest the following. This is expert only; a few alternative studiers didn’t make it through this exercise. Try…

The über-aufgabe—I know, the title alone is intimidating, as anything written in German generally is, but use precaution and you should have no problems. Your focus and diligence will transcend a level you ever thought possible. This study method consists of positioning yourself in a busy intersection. The goal is to master multi-tasking at its most dangerous. Take whatever subject you are working on to this intersection, and avoid getting hit at all costs. The adrenaline and human instinct to survive and not get hit by a car will maximize your ability to withhold important information.

Good luck with finals. Stay alternative.