Meditations on douchery
There are so many ways to be a douche. What exactly makes a douche? Is a douche a tool? Is a tool a douche? Is a douche an ****a#@hole****? Can I be friends with a douche? Who came up with the term “douche,” in reference to someone that is generally dislikeable? Is douchery up for interpretation? Am I a douche for writing about douches? All of these are pertinent questions. Douche is such an abstract term. It is an amorphous definition of character that our generation has incorporated into our vocabulary, much in the same way that grammar snobs have been forced to accept the fact that “parenting” is a word. They are both unavoidable. So without further ado, let us dive into the many facets of douchery.
Is douche a gendered term? This is a tricky question. I would venture to say yes. I would say that it is far more common to hear, “Wow, that guy was a douche,” as opposed to, “Wow, that girl was a douche.” Being a douche appears to have a masculine connotation to it. Strange, considering the origins of the word. In the Latin: Douche Bag. There are, of course, exceptions. In the annals of history, there stands alone a douche untouched. Perhaps the greatest douche of all time: Ayn Rand. So douchey was she, that she has inspired cults of douche followers who worship her as a near deity. Bravo Ayn Rand. As prolific a writer as you may be, you certainly carry some heavy douche credentials.
What I have done here is identify a douche without defining one. Can we even really attempt to define what constitutes a douche? Is to each douche his own? More likely than not, everyone has their own conception of douchery; however, we can set forth a few general qualities. Note, not all of these are present in every douche, nor does possession of these qualities imply that you are, in fact, a raging douche. It is an amalgam of sorts, a chemical reaction of characteristics that infuses one with what it takes to be a douche. First: a totally unwarranted and undeserved sense of complete superiority. Notable douche-types with this characteristic include famous people and coffee shop intellectuals. Second: an unmitigated desire to demonstrate said undeserved superiority through shouting and ape-like displays of male dominance. Notable douche-types: stereotypical frat boys, steroid ridden athletes. Third: the backwards hat. It’s not always an indicator, but it certainly can be.
Now that I have certainly infuriated a large group of people, let me say that what I have done is quite douchey. By defining the indefinable, I have joined the widespread army of the douche, an army that has been privileged to see the likes of Napoleon (the little-guy douche), Richard Nixon (the politico-douche) and the cast of the Jersey Shore (reality TV-douches/ettes). I stand among them proudly, waving my douche flag high, and I say to you earnestly, “embrace the douche within.”