To all my Jews out there, put your hands in the air…Yom Kippur is here, and you know what that means: some serious atonement and an empty stomach. You are about to delve into the most in-depth and comprehensive guide to tackling the holiest of days. Excessive liberties will be taken, and the possibility to offend is high, because, hey, I’ll be forgiven in two days. The following is a 10-step guide to making it through that fast and keeping those spirits high, because everyone knows that a sourpuss on Yom Kippur kills the vibe.

1. Remember to study. Everyone studies for tests—take the same approach to the holiday. Do yourself a favor, and practice fasting. Take excessive amounts of laxatives and starve yourself for 12 hours to get accustomed to that empty feeling we know and love.

2. Add a little humor. On such a solemn day, break up your visits to temple by taking a gander at Morgan Spurlock’s “Super Size Me.” Watching Spurlock puke up McDonald’s breakfast on his third straight day will make you swear off eating food forever—or create a massive craving for some chicken nuggets.

3. Brush your teeth. If you choose to make an exception for hygienic purposes, you will never be so excited to tackle the plaque on your gums. Oh, how proud my dentist would be. That tiny bit of water and the minty fresh toothpaste brings a little bit of heaven (not that we believe in it) to earth, courtesy of Colgate-Palmolive. Savor it.

4. Learn to conserve energy. You can even get a mental workout at the same time. Find a spot on a couch. Familiarize yourself with it, make sure it’s comfortable, love it, care for it, marry it. Then spend the rest of the day figuring out ways in which you can keep yourself from getting off your repenting butt. A little mental challenge and some R&R. Quite the two-for-one.

5. Embrace the services. If you’re lucky, you’ll be so delirious from malnutrition that the music in the services will sound otherworldly. After all, we should all be open to new experiences.

6. Don’t be a whiner. Kvetching about how hungry you are is a huge problem. Not only does it make you think about how hungry you are, but it is also incredibly irritating. Save the energy in your jaw for the break-fast.

7. Do a little deep thinking. While fasting, consider people living under dire circumstances and the incredible suffering they endure. You’ll feel good.

8. Ignore schoolwork for the day. Get it done beforehand. Fasting is hard enough without taking derivatives. Your grumbling stomach will already be doing its best to occupy 95 percent of your brain’s capacity to think. Hopefully your professors will understand.

9. Don’t eat too much when the fast ends. Your stomach will have shrunk to the size of a pea. If you eat too quickly, it hurts more than watching the non-chosen eat.

10. Most importantly—It’s all about the brisket, baby. Happy holidays and an easy fast.

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Tags: jewish, Jewish holidays, Yom Kippur

This entry was posted on Friday, September 25th, 2009 at 1:00 am and is filed under Forum, Staff Columnists. You can follow any responses to this entry through this feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.