Their brilliant idea? An underground tour of Wash. U., one that would show prospective students and parents a side of Wash. U. banned from official tours and glossy photographs. A few proposed sites for these unsanctioned expeditions:

Frat row—take the parents by day to show off the smashed red cups, half-empty beer cans and now-empty SAMMY house. Then take the prospective students on Saturday night to illustrate the benefits of going to a state school.

Old dorms—forget the leather couches in Liggett/Koenig. Instead show prospective students the winding hallways, incomprehensible numbering, rock solid walls and general misery of the old freshmen dorms.

Construction—to offer the full effect of this attraction, wake pre-registered guests in their hotel rooms at 8 a.m. with a delightful construction medley. Point out the giant holes and speculate on the function of each uncompleted structure. If any of them complain, assure them that the drop in our endowment will likely delay any future deafness-inducing proposals.

Hot guy and girl scouting—just kidding. Explain that this feature is unavailable due to a lack of resources.

Mugging sites—this feature could also be offered as a separate Wash. U. crime tour. Show worried parents the exact location of all recent campus crimes. The extended tour would included vivid descriptions and staged reenactments. As a bonus gift, tour attendees would receive free “Safety First” memorabilia.

Real weather experience—rather than offer participants umbrellas to shield them from inclement weather, this tour would deliberately subject them to it. To simulate Wash. U.’s real weather, the temperature surrounding the tour group would go from 60 degrees to 15 back up to 85, all within 10 minutes. This realistic temperature simulation would be followed by light showers, freezing rain, surprise earthquakes, and a loud sounding of the Liggett/Koenig fire alarm.

DUC food court challenge—why not add a fun, interactive game to the experience? Visitors would be given a tray and then told to buy lunch at noon and find themselves a seat in 10 minutes or less. Points will be deducted each time they trip and spilled trays will result in automatic disqualification. First place winners will receive a free giveaway from one of the student groups tabling nearby. Of course, they must also give said group their e-mail address, phone number, home address, list of places to accidentally run into them and permission to stalk them on Facebook. Second place winners get to finish their lunch.

Natural flora and fauna—Linger around Mallinkcrodt until a vicious squirrel leaps out of a trash can. Point out their remarkable assertiveness and try to avoid unwanted teeth marks. If the squirrels fail to impress the group, mention the tulips.

Unnatural flora and fauna—no Wash. U. tour would be complete without an introduction to the bunny. Not only does its metal composition warrant classification as unnatural, so does its freakishly emaciated torso.

I know that despite the obvious brilliance of these ideas, the admissions office will probably not incorporate any of these proposals into their standard tour route. I do not fault them for the omission; like any first impression, a real campus tour should showcase the best side of Wash. U. and save the flaws for later.

Sure, some of you may still be reeling from the shock that life at Wash. U. is not a close approximation of Animal House nor a perpetually sunny, hammock-filled utopia. I, however, am okay with that. I love this school, flaws and all. After all, curmudgeonly school columnists need something to complain about, right?