What to do when ResLife f—s you over

We’ve all seen it: the drawn faces and the Snapchat videos of friends lying on the floor and crying because they were put in the Village.

Catty Supson | Senior Scream Editor

These 3 WU squirrels are up for chancellor: Read all about ‘em here

The chancellor search committee has exclusively revealed to Student Life that it is currently in talks with a few members of our Wash. U. community who truly know the campus from top to bottom—from the branches of each tree to the inner workings of each recycling bin.

Squirrely McSquirrelinton | Senior Squirrel Editor

Staff ed: Shouting into the void

Hello. Is anyone actually reading this? Are you there, God? I’m here alone, speaking on behalf of the Student Life Editorial Board.

Collective Shouting | Can anyone here us? It's dark in here.

Editor-in-chief Chockstix to leave Student Libel, become all of SU exec

The shock decision comes less than two weeks after the former SU exec board were unable to convince even a single suit-wearing, 30-something-looking, attention seeking f—boy to run to replace them.

Seekiswag B’Gosh | Sara Bareilles’ Fan

SHS cures WashFlu

Student Health Services announced that because zero Washington University students are infected with the infamous “WashFlu,” the health center has definitively cured the disease.

Sniffles McSleepy | Senior Snot Editor

Fossil Free WashU restricts the freedom of consumers

A staple of outlet malls everywhere, Fossil is one of the only stores where a guy like myself can buy a mid-range watch or bag these days.

Aiden Manmann | Senior Gossip Editor

Drumpf bills Mexico, Mo. for wall, Crist Mixler agrees to pay

According to the Orange House administration, the billing error was a bigly mistake on the part of the president. However, the plans have been underway for some time, and it’s too late to turn back now.

Bob the Builder | Building that Wall

#_____________Student_Union_is_ßest_Life____________

Student Union is called the golden period of life. Students are the future of a nation.

Spambots | Spambots

Student Libel learns big things, all off the record

Although Student Libel was unable to learn the exact details of the things which are occurring, multiple sources were able to confirm that an email would probably be sent out to the student body a few days after rumors started swirling.

Fake News | It's All True

Which NBA star should coach men’s basketball?

There simply aren’t many—or any—coaches in the division that will be as good as Edwards was. So, why not go for something unconventional? Our suggestion: Fill the vacant coaching position with a professional basketball star.

Balls to the Wall