A local news station in Atlanta was covering Chateau Elan, Georgia’s largest winery. There’s a stage like the ones upon which there would be a guillotine and two women with their feet in wooden containers. One of those women is reporter Melissa Sander, and her goal for the day is to compete with the lady next to her to see who can stomp the most grapes in the shortest period of time. This should be a wonderful, fun way to commemorate le Chateau’s success on television, right? This should be one big celebration of grapery, right?

Wrong. Legend has it that Sander wasn’t content with just standing and working those grapes under her feet. No, she wanted more. So, as the two ladies start to stomp, vying for the title of Master Grape Stomper, Sander abruptly yells, “Stop!” And then everything happens so fast that it’s a blur. Competitor Stomper has stopped and Sander begins stomping really fast and hard to take advantage of the other’s inactivity. Sneaky, eh? But then to top it all off, Grape Lady Sander trips on the barrel’s side and plummets Beyoncé-style to the ground. When she makes contact with the hard earth, she makes the most otherworldly sounds ever known to man, and she starts to cry out in pain. The other woman watches frantically, seemingly wondering what she can do. But not even her bewildered face can stave off the laughter that comes from the viewer who is wondering why Grape Lady has turned into a wallaby mixed with a narwhal.

Amid the Grape Lady’s cries of “Arnht, urnnnnd, oouwwwwh,” the channel smoothly cuts to inside the studio back in Atlanta, where the two anchors are staring at the camera in awe. They regain their composure, but as they do, they utter earnestly “Ouch, that looks like it hurt” and “Well, hope she’s okay.” You won’t know what to laugh at first, the Grape Lady’s banshee whoop or the anchors’ faked concern. Whatever you laugh at, though, it’s clear that this video must go into the Pantheon of Epic Win. Watch it. Not only will you laugh until you cry, you’ll also derive new meaning from that one Aesopian fable about sour grapes.

(Dale Robinette | DW Studios)

Interviewing an Academy Award-nominated director could be daunting, but when the director is Jason Reitman, it’s anything but. At the age of 32, Reitman has already written and directed three feature films and several shorts, and has garnered the respect of the film industry. Considered to be one of this generation’s hot, young directors, Reitman sought to clarify that “hot, young” referred to attractiveness. As the son of celebrated director/producer Ivan Reitman, Jason grew up on his father’s sets, experiencing such comedic works as “Meatballs,” “Ghostbusters” and “Kindergarten Cop” firsthand. Reitman recalls his time spent in the editing rooms of these and other films, and cites these experiences as defining, for they taught him to be ruthless with his own work.

Reitman’s first feature film was the 2005 black comedy “Thank You For Smoking,” which was nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Picture. Though this film was well received, it was the 2007 runaway hit “Juno” that catapulted Reitman to new heights. Nominated for an Academy Award for Best Director for “Juno,” Reitman says, “It was a tiny film that was very successful.” The film addresses the idea of growing up in a real way, and Reitman says, “I think it will stand the test of time.”

In St. Louis for the 18th annual St. Louis International Film Festival last weekend, Reitman was honored with its Contemporary Cinema Award, which is awarded to “filmmakers in mid-career who are doing innovative, independent-minded work.” Reitman’s latest film, “Up in the Air,” debuted at the Telluride and Toronto film festivals and opened the St. Louis Film Festival last weekend, and it has already been earning some Oscar buzz. This film has been a passion project of Reitman’s, as he wrote the screenplay before directing “Thank You For Smoking.” Reitman cites the book, which is based on the novel of the same name by Walter Kirn, as a “toolbox” to use as a springboard. As for where to break from the source material, Reitman says, “It’s intuitive. I find an author who has the same point of view on life as I do.”

(Dale Robinette | DW Studios)

“Up in the Air” features the incomparable George Clooney as Ryan Bingham, a detached man who spends his life on planes, flying to cities to fire employees of corporations too cowardly to do it themselves. Closed-minded to the idea of human companionship, Ryan seeks comfort in airport lounges, security lines and the perks that go along with frequent fliers. Ryan meets a similar-minded woman in one of these lounges, Alex (Vera Farmiga), and while their relationship is not at the center of the film, the chemistry between these characters is palpable and their witty rapport is infectious. Ryan’s life in the air is jeopardized when a young college graduate, Natalie (Anna Kendrick), convinces Ryan’s boss, Craig (Jason Bateman), that the company can cut costs by firing people via video conferencing.

With “Up in the Air,” Reitman claims, “I wanted to make a love letter to travel,” and not a film about the homogeneity of America. His film certainly speaks to the beauty of Middle America with rich overhead shots of American cities, which act as transitions between scenes. The film was shot mostly in St. Louis, which Reitman really enjoyed. He said St. Louis was a great location, as no prior movie has been primarily shot in St. Louis, and it has many original locations and climate change, and is a Middle America city that can double as other cities. “People were lovely” in St. Louis, noted Reitman, and from “actors to locations, you know when I love them.”

“Up in the Air” truly captures the anxieties of our time. Throughout the film, Reitman used real footage of people from St. Louis and Detroit discussing their reactions to being fired. These confessionals help to set the tone for the film, and their honest and touching portrayals put the film’s story in context. While in St. Louis last February to shoot the film, Reitman spoke at Webster University, where Kevin Renick, a St. Louis man, gave him a cassette tape of a song he wrote about being unemployed that was also titled “Up in the Air.” Reitman used Renick’s song in the film and on the soundtrack. The film is full of such genuine and authentic-feeling moments, and it beautifully tackles relevant issues everyday Americans are facing.

“Up in the Air” seizes upon American culture today and is a strong indicator of Jason Reitman’s potential. The film is sure to be a contender come awards season and Reitman deserves all the praises.

On the show, Kris got by week after week, not always through sheer vocal ability but by the sincerity and commitment he had in choosing songs that complemented his abilities, and he does this once again here. He’s an acoustic rocker with a mellifluous voice, and these songs are just extraordinarily pleasant to listen to. The first single, “Live Like We’re Dying,” is an upbeat jam talking about how life should not be taken for granted, but it never comes off as preachy. Hey, if I became a household name in a matter of months, I’d be pretty happy about it too.

Some of the songs on the album are pleasant to hear. You cannot help but nod your head along to “Before We Come Down.” “Red Guitar” is the only song on the album that was written pre-”Idol,” but it sounds just as sophisticated as the rest. There’s a sense of joy in this song deriving from how much Kris loves this, even from when it was just a hobby and not a lifestyle.

If you can imagine the later N*Sync oeuvre combined with a bluesy vibe, you would get “Can’t Stay Away.” Here, Kris sings about the love of his life he can never get enough of, in a sweet but still slightly seductive way, and it really works.

Naturally, there are a couple of ballads on the record, and songs like “The Truth” and “Bring It Back,” featuring a background piano line as the main accompaniment, give Kris a vehicle to sing his heart out in a way you would expect The Fray to sound. “I Need to Know” is incredibly raw: His heart has just been broken, and this song is a beautiful expression of the pain he just cannot hold inside of him anymore.

“Is It Over” sums up Kris’ ride on “Idol” and makes it my personal favorite on the album. Kris does not have a huge range, and he knows that. This song places a nice melody over really awesome background music and inverts some of the notes so they sound so wrong but, at the same time, exactly perfect. Ultimately, Kris and the song build up into gorgeous crescendo, which is exactly how he was able to win “American Idol.”

“Kris Allen” is a great record, and it is definitely one I would recommend, even to the world’s biggest Glambert fan. Kris takes on an acoustic coffeehouse vibe, but really makes it his own and does so in an incredibly beautiful way.

Rating: 4/5
For fans of: Jack Johnson, The Fray
Tracks to download: ‘Is It Over’, ‘Live Like We’re Dying’, ‘Before We Come Undone’

Lewis shot to superstardom by winning “X-Factor,” the British predecessor to “American Idol.” Then her debut, “Spirit,” dropped shortly after and broke all kinds of fast- and best-selling album records. Albums are indeed independent of one another, but when someone starts off with as fantastical a success as Lewis, it’s hard not to compare the new work to the old. So, that’s what happens. And that’s where the problem comes in.

When Lewis became such a hit, her execs, managers and everybody else involved in her career walked on pins and needles to craft a flawless debut for her. The result was “Spirit’s” stylish, refined sense of being a classic. “Echo,” however, is far less expressive. Almost every song seems to try to be a listener-friends single, instead of actually communicating with its audience. The songs, excepting a few, all seem like hollow attempts at anthems of love—either of its recovery or its acquisition. Lewis takes the gladiatorial, epic formula she simply played around with on her debut and uses it on almost every song on “Echo.” What happens is not fit for stadiums, though; it’s painfully obvious that she’s trying too hard for hits.

But something that Lewis will always do well is sing. The voice that won her all of her fame is still strong. It’s more mature, if more somber, than it was in the reality competition/debut album days. That’s not a bad thing, though, as she pushes her highs to new levels of shrill ecstasy. Ignoring the moments when she ends her chest notes in a whine, this album finds Lewis in her best vocal form yet. When those few emotionally honest songs come along, they find her vocally conveying her feelings instead of just searching for the acrobatics that will awe.

If “Spirit” was appropriately titled, for it was full of soul and emotion, then this one is just as aptly named. An echo is defined as “any repetition or close imitation, as of the ideas or opinions of another.” Leona Lewis’ new album, “Echo,” could not be better described. It seems to be a wave reflected off the walls of a cave, like the original sound has died but you can still hear this simulacrum if you want. With so much spirit the first time around, I expected that sound to resonate more strongly. But all that was there was this listless, hollow echo.

Kimberley French | MCT Campus

The second installment of the “Twilight” Saga, “New Moon,” will be released at midnight this Thursday night or Friday morning (Nov. 20), if you prefer. If you are planning on attending a midnight screening of the much-anticipated sequel, then there are a few things you should know ahead of time.

The Story

In case you missed the first movie, I’ll catch you up. “Twilight” stars Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, a girl who moves to Forks, Wash., to live with her dad Charlie. Within a matter of weeks, she falls in love with her high school’s most mysterious attendee, Edward Cullen (played by the now-famous, tousled Robert Pattinson). It turns out that Edward and his “family” are vegetarian vampires who are trying to blend into human society. As would be expected, not all vampires are as human-friendly as the Cullens, and one of these carnivorous vampires attempts to steal Bella away from his vegetarian counterparts. By the end of the film, good triumphs over evil, and Bella, Edward and the rest of the Cullen clan make it out alive. This pretty much sums up “Twilight.” Of course, though, I forgot to mention Jacob Black, Bella’s Native American friend, who doesn’t have much of a role in the first movie but will now take on a much bigger one in “New Moon.”

The Fans

With any midnight viewing of a popular new movie, there are bound to be some crazed fans in costumes who have been waiting in line for hours to get the best seat. Yes, these fans may seem a little crazy, but they do not compare to the ones you will have to face at the midnight showing of “New Moon.” Will there be costumes? Possibly, but they won’t be too noticeable. What will be apparent is just how much noise a theater full of preteen girls can make at any moment and how many times they can make that much noise during a two-hour movie. Be prepared for shrill screeches every time a major character appears on screen for the first time (well, they don’t even have to be major). Robert Pattinson’s appearances will no doubt elicit at least a few screams every single time. There is not much to be done to preempt this impending ear pain, but just be cautious of where you sit in the theater. Although it will be a difficult task, try to find a seat that is relatively less saturated with 12-year-old girls.

The Logistics

If you intend on going to a midnight screening, you should already have your tickets, or you should go online and buy them right now, because they are bound to be sold out in many of the surrounding theaters. These girls work fast. In the same vein, if you want a decent seat, you should show up at least a half hour before the movie begins. At that point, there could still be a few seats that aren’t in the neck-craning front row. There is no question that some fans will have lined up beforehand to nab the best-situated seats. As I said earlier, carefully choose your seat based on those around it. You don’t want your memory from the movie to be that you couldn’t hear your professor the next day because the 13-year-old behind you screamed in your ear every 30 seconds.

(Courtesy of Warner Bros. Entertainment)

“The Men Who Stare at Goats” was released recently. When I first saw the trailer, I thought it would be funny and smart. Plus, it had Boston’s “More Than a Feeling” in it—a recipe for success. A week later, it’s getting crushed by “2012,” and its Rotten Tomatoes rating hovers around 55 percent. Like countless other movies this decade, “Goats” didn’t live up to the hype. So, I’ve put together a list of the most overhyped movies of the past decade. Think of it as a PSA. Now that the movies are out, don’t trick yourself into seeing them.

5. “Superman Returns”

I saw this movie in summer 2006 when I was in a pre-college camp at Northwestern University. I didn’t have a ton of friends, but people I did hang out with loved to watch movies. “Good movies,” we’d call them, like “Boondock Saints” and “Kill Bill.” So leading up to the release of “Superman Returns,” I tried to drum up hype…which was my first mistake. But in my defense, a reboot of Superman, released a year after the same sort of move with “Batman Returns,” looked more than promising. My friends were reluctant and only agreed to come if we could stop by Hollister on the way back. I agreed (don’t judge me!), and we made an afternoon show.

We left 20 minutes later. It was just so…bad. To this day, I can’t believe that they cast Brandon Routh as the Man of Steel. He could have been replaced by a cardboard cutout of Christopher Reeves, and I would have liked it more. The endless ice puns! “Why so stiff, Superman?” What a bad movie.

4. “Cars”

I think 2006 was a disappointing year—first “Superman Returns,” then “Cars.” All signs pointed toward this being Pixar’s next big box-office hit/critical darling. First of all, it was a Pixar movie, and after a seemingly endless string of successes, the company could do no wrong. Second, it was directed by John Lasseter, director of Pixar’s first hit, “Toy Story,” and overseer of everything the company had ever done.

This didn’t make it a good movie. Its use of stereotyping was surprisingly unsettling and, more importantly, not engaging. Following this thread, yes, the cars went fast, but the movie didn’t go anywhere. The plot revolves around a hotshot racecar slowing down and enjoying the slower things in life, but that shouldn’t have left the viewers bored out of their skulls. Thankfully, Pixar’s made good since then, but now whenever I see a Pixar film, I have this horrifying vision of “Cars” in the back of my head.

3. “Troy”

Again, this is another instance of the trailer overselling the movie. “Troy” had Brad Pitt and a whole fleet of boats that hyped the movie in everyone’s mind. Some of the build up was definitely residual from “Lord of the Rings.” In 2004, people everywhere were still dealing with the fact that the trilogy was over, and that, for the first time since 2000, there wouldn’t be a “Lord of the Rings” release that year. “Troy,” an adaptation of “The Iliad,” and featuring large-scale battles and Orlando Bloom, had just enough to be our fix.

Too bad it butchered its source material in too many ways to count. Too bad Orlando Bloom couldn’t capture his Legolas-badassitude and ended up playing one of the most annoying characters in film history. On top of that, the fight scenes were largely unnecessary—the screenwriters should have spent more time on the dialogue than describing Pitt’s high-leg kick, because the conversations were stilted and captured none of the beauty of the epic poem.

2. “The Matrix Reloaded”

“The Matrix” was every fifth-grade boy’s fantasy back in the day, and when we were all given a chance to relive this dream in eighth grade, we jumped at the chance. We were told there would be more fight scenes and the biggest car chase in film history. I know nowadays that people don’t refer to the three films as the “Matrix Trilogy.” There’s the first film, “The Matrix,” and then there are two unnamed sequels that should never be brought up in the same sentence as the original.

It had a Thursday midnight release, which I couldn’t attend, and I remember that when I heard one of my friends talking about the plot the next day of school, I started screaming, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” And when she didn’t listen, I stuck my fingers in my ears and yelled, “LALALALALA!” The hype had taken me prisoner.

We snuck into the movie that Friday night. We cheered when the titles hit…but we left the theater silently. It was like watching my beta fish die, slowly, day by day, drifting to the bottom of the tank, until one morning, it’s belly-up. What are you supposed to talk about when that happens? I swore never to let it happen to me again.

1. “Spider-Man 3”

It happened again. I debated over switching this movie with “The Matrix Reloaded’s” spot, but I decided this was more deserved. The hype for “Spider-Man 3” was astronomical. After two stellar prequels, each better than the last, the third-quel said it would continue that trend. But it lied.

The trailer made it look like Spider-Man’s transition from red to black would be dark. In reality, it was moody, with a touch of emo-hair. At that point in the show, all bets were off. The movie hadn’t kept its promise to be a fantastic film, so we went back on ours to be a good audience. How’s the pie, Harry? “So good!” (Malicious wink!) Not one, but two spontaneous dance scenes? Why not? There’s one in the middle of the street, where Peter Parker points…suggestively at all types of women like he’s The Todd, and there has to be another dance scene set in a swingin’ jazz club, and you know it’s a swingin’ jazz club because they play the Chips Ahoy! music.

My friends and I laughed when Spider-Man landed right in front of an American flag (oooh, symbolism!), and we lost it when Tobey Maguire’s acting skills betrayed him in the crying scene.

It was awful, just awful. Promise me you’ll never watch it. Watch clips on YouTube for a good laugh but never see it.

(MCT)

Rating: 3/5 stars

“Band Hero” is the latest musical game from Activision (makers of “Guitar Hero”). It is done in the “Rock Band” style, where up to four people can play any combination of drums, guitar, bass and singing. The game is designed with a younger audience in mind, and, therefore, this game has a different track list than usual, as the songs are all top 40 pop hits. This isn’t that bad though. Songs such as “American Pie” and “Pretty Women” are included. Also of note are three Taylor Swift songs.

I did not like “Band Hero” as much as I like “Rock Band.” I have some major criticisms about how the screen is set up when you are playing with other people. In “Rock Band,” how well everyone is doing is presented in a bar on the left side of the screen. It is easy to see where everyone is without disturbing your ability to see the notes. In “Band Hero,” this information is split up, so that each person can only see his or her own status. This is highly annoying because when someone is about to fail, you don’t know who it is. Also, if you want to see how the band is doing overall, you usually just glance at the star meter that is easy to see in “Rock Band”; but in “Band Hero,” it is nearly impossible to see how many stars you are going to receive because the star meter is really tiny.

The track list for “Band Hero” is also tiny. There are only 65 songs, and, while there are some good ones, there are not that many songs that I feel like I really need to play.

And then the drums. I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to have the bass pedal notes be the same color as the background, but someone needs to be shot. The first time I played drums in “Band Hero,” I failed out in 15 seconds because I had no clue that the bass notes were there! There is one improvement in “Band Hero” with regard to drums, in that there is an “Expert+” mode in which you have to hook up a second bass pedal. This is great for those drummers who are bored from lack of challenge.

“Band Hero” does make some changes from “Rock Band” that are nice. You can now play any instrument with more than one person. So, if you choose, you can rock out with four guitarists, or four vocalists, or…you get the picture. This prevents the classic Rock Band scene in which two good guitar players fight over who gets what part, because the bass part is never as fun.

“Band Hero” also makes some improvements over “Rock Band” in some of the gameplay. The vocals are better because the game actually tells you what you are missing. Also, the guitar parts are the same difficulty, but the system for “Band Hero,” and the “Guitar Hero” games in general, is easier to play.

There are also a couple of cool gameplay options. The classic Pro Face-Off is back, which is when two guitar players battle head to head. I really enjoy this option because it lets you settle, once and for all, who is the better guitar player. Also included is a party mode, in which you can drop in and out of the game without disturbing the other band members.

Last is an option that lets you create your own songs and then play them. Also included is an option to download songs that other people have created. And these songs are usually not just random mashing on the frets; there are actually some remakes of songs such as “Master of Puppets,” “Eruption” and the Zelda Hyrule Temple song.

Overall, “Band Hero” is a decent game that makes some peripheral changes, but due to some major problems is just not up to par with “Rock Band.” Maybe next time, Activision.

Infinity Ward, the developer of the “Call of Duty” series, slipped the news a few weeks ago that the PC version of the upcoming “Modern Warfare 2” (MW2) will not support dedicated servers. (MCT)

A few weeks ago, countless PC gamers across the world felt their palms inexplicably gravitating, nay, shooting toward their faces at ludicrous speeds. The cause of these facepalms? Infinity Ward, the developer of the “Call of Duty” series, had just slipped the news that the PC version of the upcoming “Modern Warfare 2” (MW2) would not support dedicated servers. Instead, multiplayer would be handled using Infinity Ward’s propriety matchmaking service called IWNET, which runs on listen servers.

Dedicated servers are permanent servers that almost always offer lower latency and smoother gameplay than any temporary listen server could ever hope to provide. But lag isn’t the issue here. The lack of dedicated servers in “MW2” isn’t about the removal of a feature but rather the suffocation of PC gaming culture.

Because multiplayer is handled through IWNET, players looking for public games are forced to play on playlists via automated matchmaking. Matchmaking, in a hyphenated word, is idiot-proof, but its merits end there. When the player has no choice over the map, latency or any other variables besides game type, it would be a stretch to say that playlists offer even the illusion of choice.

Turn now to the traditional server browser that’s been used in almost all PC shooters since the late ’90s. According to Infinity Ward, this is a broken system, to which IWNET is the solution. Antiquated but functional, the server browser is more spreadsheet than game, with rows of words and numbers cascading down the screen. Notably absent is an ever-turning circle calmly reassuring you that it will soon find a suitable match and that your brownies are done baking.

Yet the server browser is a better system. Why? Because it gives the player choice—sweet, delicious choice just like Mum used to give. Game type, map, player count, latency: It’s all there. The choice is yours. Or rather, the choice is yours in almost every PC game but “Modern Warfare 2.”

And the train keeps on rolling. The PC version of “MW2” is restricted to 18 players per server, the same number as its console counterpart. Even then, nine-on-nine matches are restricted to a certain playlist—most of the time, gamers will be playing in six-on-six games. Infinity Ward claims that the limit is due to the maps being balanced for a smaller player count, which is understandable. At least, it would be if the original “Modern Warfare,” which had maps balanced for a similar player count, didn’t support 64 players per (dedicated) server. Listen servers strike again.

But wait, there’s more! “MW2” on PCs inexplicably takes away the ability to lean around corners, which was a handy feature in the previous game. Amusingly enough, Infinity Ward justified the removal of the feature because their latest sequel is “not balanced for lean,” despite the gameplay of the two games being nearly identical. And I’ve yet to mention the myriad of other console-inspired travesties that PC gamers must suffer, including a five-second wait when the game switches hosts and an uncomfortably narrow field of view.

Beyond taking choice directly out of the player’s hands, IWNET also kills the possibility of custom content in multiplayer. With hosts spontaneously assigned by IWNET, players have little to no hope of playing user-created content. Infinity Ward said it has “made no decision” about releasing modification tools for their latest title, despite having released them for their previous three “Call of Duty” games on PC.

Thus falls another one of PC gaming’s strongest bastions. As a huge proponent of user-created content, the lack of mod support is perhaps my biggest disappointment with “Modern Warfare 2.” With doors opened to unlimited fan-made content, a strong modding community can add unlimited value to a game that might otherwise last a few days or weeks. And because they’re not commercial products, user-created mods often feature experimental concepts too risky for professionals to pursue.

Modding is also a stepping-stone for amateurs to break into the gaming industry. Valve Software is famous for hiring the “Team Fortress” and “Counter-Strike” teams. The latest modder to be hired by Valve was none other than the “Defense of the Ancients” guru (known by his online handle, IceFrog). But Valve doesn’t have room for everyone. There are several mod teams that have moved on to commercial projects, such as Tripwire Interactive or Unknown Worlds. My squinty eyes well up with tiny PC-gamer tears when I think about all the wonderful mods that might have been created for “Modern Warfare 2,” if only it had dedicated servers and mod tools.

Furthermore, without modding, players will have no choice but to turn to Infinity Ward for more content. With IWNET, the developer is in a position to charge for downloadable content on the PC platform, which is unheard of for such small-scale content as new maps. If Infinity Ward decides to charge PC users for downloadable content (DLC), the future of PC gaming might very well take a turn for the worse. Other developers may create their own proprietary networking services, leave out mod tools, and charge for DLC. On the other hand, if the game or DLC sells poorly relative to consoles, Infinity Ward may not even develop future “Call of Duty” titles for PCs.

I must also mention that “Modern Warfare 2” on PCs sells for $60 instead of the traditional $50 for all new PC games. A 20 percent price hike on a game with missing features? It’s suicide, right? But it’s not. The truth is that the “Call of Duty” series is one of the most lucrative franchises ever to grace a corporate bar graph. The original “Modern Warfare” alone sold 14 million copies across all platforms, and its sequel is set to outpace that number. Were the PC version to garner impressive sales at its new price point, “MW2” may set a precedent in PC gaming, and it won’t be long before we see games retailing for $60.

Instead of embracing the advantages of the platform, Infinity Ward has bound the PC version of “Modern Warfare 2” in a console straitjacket, and the doors to gaming’s most open platform are threatening to swing shut. Cue an audible sigh: Times are tough for PC gamers.

(MCT)

It seems as if this quickly ending decade has heard the words “America’s next top model is…” 92 times. In actuality, it is only the show’s 13th cycle that is about to have its finale Wednesday. That is why we have decided to take a look back at Tyra Banks’s brainchild, the phenomenon that brings another perspective to the lives of models and gives the people of this glamorous decade another fantasy to revel in. So, here goes: a list of the “ANTM” essentials.

Tyra moments

The fierce host of the show has lost and regained her sanity in front of our very eyes more times than she’s eliminated fuglies. Remember when Banks went an entire cycle with orange hair? She told her beautician to go for fiery ferocity, and what she got was carrot cake from last year’s Thanksgiving. There was also that time during Cycle 4 when redeemed bad girl Tiffany Richardson was eliminated, and Banks tried to console her, but lost her temper and “went hood” all on Richardson’s head. Richardson left, saying she “don’t have to take this from [Tyra].” Don’t get us started on the fact that Banks will not stop talking about “smizing” (smiling with your eyes) this season.

Winners vs. runners-up

As fickle an industry as modeling is, it does not always provide the best shelf life for its “employees.” Thus, if “ANTM’s” judges want to promote a positive image for models, they should graduate some who will actually do something with their lives. But they let bone-baring Jaslene beat exotic Natalia Vodianova-lookalike Natasha in Cycle 8. In Cycle 2, bubbly, surefire success Mercedes lost somehow to that manchild Yoanna. And when Whitney won, it was a wonderful moment because she was a bigger girl. But it hurt that she beat striking Anya. Most scathing, however, was when mousy, “cute” Nicole beat both ferocious catwalker Bre and ethereal beauty Nik in Cycle 5. Unforgivable.

Most beautiful uglies

“ANTM” is notorious for picking girls who are horrendous in person but take stunning pictures, or vice-versa. Cases in point: Cycle 2’s Shandi (the biggest makeover in history), Heather Kuzmich from Cycle 9, and especially the winner of Cycle 12, Teyona. These girls benefited greatly from getting their weave put in and having themselves slathered in Maybelline. And special shout-out to Lluvy, who didn’t take such great pictures and wasn’t our fave in person.

Weirdest names

Speaking of Lluvy, a lot of the girls on the show have had some awe-inducing names. Katarzyna Dolinska, Furonda Brasfield, Coryn Woitel, Xiomara Frans, Kahlen Rondot, Melrose Bickerstaff and Fo Porter are among some of the most excellent foils to the Brittanys and Ashleys of the show.

So now that this cycle is drawing to a close and we’ve recapped the craziness that has been “ANTM,” we’ll see you Wednesday when Nicole Fox (hopefully) takes the top prize. And then probably two weeks later, prepare yourself for a 14th season of Tyra Banks correcting the girls’ fierceness by demonstrating herself the exact look they’ve already done.

(MCT)

“Glitter” has a pretty respectable position on the IMDb Bottom 100. At No. 85, it’s sitting pretty, 16 spots from being off the list, among the likes of “Troll 2” (1990) and “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” (2009). If you don’t know the story of “Glitter,” I’m surprised. Legend has it my girl, Mariah Carey, was going through some things at the time. She pushed an ice cream cart onto “Total Request Live,” stripped down to a bikini, and said she just wanted “to go where the butterflies are.” So, she’s crazy. Why was she on “TRL” in the first place? To promote her new vehicle that would be her crossover into acting fame. Fox promoted the movie as Mariah Carey playing—you guessed it—Mariah Carey.

The story of Mariah Carey’s life is actually quite interesting. I’m not kidding, look it up. But when you have Mariah Carey playing her life story, it just doesn’t work. The story goes that Billie (Mariah’s character) was born into poverty with an absent dad and a cracked-out mom and then waited tables as an adult to not fall into complete oblivion and found consolation only in her friends/roommates, Roxanne (Tia Texada) and Louise (Da Brat, Mariah’s real-life bffl). Then, as with Mariah, Billie goes to the right club at the right time and is spotted by an exec who instantly wants her on his roster. In Mariah’s case, that exec was Tommy Mottola, and he was the super-millionaire whom she would go on to marry. With Billie, however, he was Julian Dice (Max Beesley). Not such a big shot, but he too loved the girl. Thus began the clichéd story of love against the odds. Nutshell version: Billie shoots to superstardom, Julian gets in trouble with some shady characters, Julian and Billie have a fight and break up, Julian is killed, and Billie is devastated that she yelled at him the last time she saw him. I just spoiled the movie for you but, trust me, you don’t need to see it.

What makes “Glitter” such an epic fail is not that it is a story we’ve heard before. Most productions are just reworkings of the same few general themes. “Glitter” is an abomination because it’s stale and saccharine, and the acting is a signal that Armageddon is nigh. There is nothing special about the story, so a viewer would expect there to be something extraordinary about how the story is told. Not so with “Glitter.” It’s a run-of-the-mill retelling.  So, now the viewer at least expects good acting. No. You can’t even blame it on the fact that it’s Mariah’s first feature. The whole ensemble is bad. SO bad. I can’t even explain, except to say that the printed criticism of Mariah states that “every emotion she tries for looks like she’s searching for her car keys” is true.

Not even I, Mariah Carey’s biggest champion, could say this movie was passable. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I lied that tremendously. I hate to be another rung in the ladder of haters of this movie, but it’s legitimately one of the worst things this decade has made. And this decade made “B2K.” Don’t even watch this for the giggles. It’s that bad. IMDb’s current 2/10 is probably too much.