THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE -- Pictured: (left to right) Carol Leifer, Sinbad, Maria Kanellis, Sharon Osborne, Rod Blagojevich, Michael Johnson, Donald Trump, Curtis Stone, Cyndi Lauper, Goldberg, Daryl Strawberry, Brett Michaels, Selita Ebanks, Summer Sanders, Holly Robinson Peete -- NBC (Mitch Haaseth | NBC Universal)

The third season of “Celebrity Apprentice” premiered last Sunday on NBC, and for some reason, I had high hopes for this season. Not that I’m expecting quality TV or anything, but typically, when you throw B- through D-list celebrities together and make them perform silly tasks, it’s usually interesting. Maybe Spencer and Heidi Pratt throwing hissy fits in the tropical jungle last summer on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” got me too excited about the genre, but unfortunately, “Celebrity Apprentice” did not hold up.

Starring people like Sharon Osbourne, Cyndi Lauper, Bret Michaels of “Poison,” and Rod Blagojevich, I should be amazed by this show. Their big personalities should have clashed to create drama galore, but unfortunately, everyone tried to work together this episode. Not cool, guys! I want excitement.

“Celebrity Apprentice” has the same basic rules as the regular “Apprentice” from seasons past: Two teams compete to run different businesses effectively. This week, the men and the women had to run a diner for a day. To me, “Celebrity Apprentice” has lost the appeal of the original show. Bringing together 16 aspiring business leaders and making them run anything from a lemonade stand to a 10,000 person charity concert was interesting; I like watching people pursue their dreams. Here, while I admire that all the contestants play for charity, why do I want to watch washed-up models, actors, Olympians, musicians and even governors perform these tasks? They don’t bring business expertise, just their rich friends.

The most interesting moment for me occurred in the women’s diner, when Cyndi Lauper heard an accordion playing “True Colors” and led her team in a sing-along of her anthem. The guys’ team sparked a little controversy when they priced everything on their menu at $100 dollars. People walking in off the streets would walk out after seeing the outrageous prices. Sure, it’s for charity, but no business should turn people away!

I was a little appalled upon hearing that Rod Blagojevich got cast for this show, especially when he was featured in a commercial saying “You’re Fired? I’ve already heard that one before.” Should he really exploit his criminal status to get on TV? And to make it all worse, he was not even interesting. It’s a travesty, really.

Even when the women were rewarded an extra $10,000 by winning Joan Rivers’ approval, the men still won the task. This must have particularly ticked Curtis Stone, Australian celebrity chef. Bret Michaels led his team to victory and won an extra $10,000 for a charity that supports juvenile diabetes. Toward the end of the episode, Donald Trump sat down to scold the losing women. After he and Lauper got into a ridiculous fight about Rosie O’Donnell’s attendance at Trump’s wedding, he got down to business. He tried to figure out who was the least effective team member. After few of the women would cast blame, Trump eventually fired Carol Liefer, a comedian who was the real-life basis for Elaine in “Seinfeld.” Her teammates threw her under the bus, and that was that.

All in all, it was a really boring episode, a problem that could probably be solved if NBC decided to condense the show to one hour instead of two. I just wish NBC was capable of making a scheduling decision that makes sense. But alas, this appears to be a problem, and so the third season of “Celebrity Apprentice” will go on in its extended and boring form.

(Left to right) Molly (Alice Eve) runs into her handsome ex, Cam (Geoff Stults) to the dismay of Kirk (Jay Baruchel), an average Joe who just can’t believe that she has fallen for him in the DreamWorks Pictures comedy “She’s Out of My League,” a Paramount Pictures release. (Darren Michaels | Dreamworks)

I remember when Steven Karp was a freshman at UNEC and he lost his virginity to his floormate Lizzie on “Undeclared.” This makes me remember when Lindsay Weir decided to hang with the freaks at William McKinley High School in “Freaks and Geeks.” And this makes me teary eyed with nostalgia and furious at the narrow-minded television executives who would rather produce “American Idol XXXVII” than two of the most rewarding series to ever grace the barren wasteland of network TV. But I digress. I should focus on the present. And the present isn’t too bad now that I have just finished watching an enjoyable and reasonably funny movie that makes me believe my next girlfriend could be as hot as Alice Eve.

This conventional, but very pleasurable, teen comedy is “She’s Out of My League.” The premise is simple. Kirk (Jay Baruchel) is a goofy, directionless security guard with the Transportation Security Administration who is a complete pushover when it comes to women. He is such a wimp that he does not stop his ex-girlfriend Marnie (Lindsay Sloane) from coming over to his house to hang out with his family.

Unfortunately, Kirk’s family does not help with his self-esteem issues or lack of confidence. They consistently deride Kirk and offer him about as much moral support as Cardinal fans give to Chicago Cubs supporters.

A chance encounter at the airport results in Kirk meeting and going out on a date with Molly (Alice Eve). Molly is a gorgeous and successful event planner that looks like she should be dating Brad Pitt. But the two hit it off and they soon become an item. Their budding romance has left almost all of the people in Kirk’s life, including his goofball friends Stainer, Jack and Devon (played by the funny trio of TJ Miller, Nate Torrence and Mike Vogel) flabbergasted at the attractiveness of his new girlfriend. The rest of the movie follows a predictable storyline that tracks the high and low points of the new romance between Kirk and Molly.

Even though the movie has a predictable plot, there are some very funny moments throughout. The best parts usually involve Kirk’s friends at the airport. Devon is particularly memorable as a hopeless romantic who knows more about Disney movies than most 10-year-old girls. The group’s banter and antics, whether they are at a bowling alley or preparing Kirk to have sex with Molly, almost always bought a smile to my face produced laughter from the audience. One of the highlights of the movie is seeing Stainer’s Hall and Oates “tribute band” perform an emotionally charged set at a birthday party for Molly’s sister.

Not every movie needs to set trends or be the best movie of the year. Movies are about escaping reality for a few hours, even if you know what will happen in the end. In movies, as in life, the journey can be more important than the destination. This is unquestionably the case with “She’s Out of My League,” a movie that works within standard conventions to produce a memorable and funny feel-good comedy.

Directed by: Jim Field Smith
Starring: Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve, TJ Miller

(Courtesy of Bravo)

It’s me, Percy. You remember me, right? I’m the guy who…watched your show. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t remember who I am. I’m sure a lot of other people watched you host “Late Night” and “The Tonight Show.” But I did watch all six episodes of “Andy Barker, P.I.” too, so that has to count for something, right? My favorite episode was the one with the evil chicken cartel.

I just thought we should get in touch. I know this sounds creepy, but I remember where I was when you announced your “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour.” I was in bed. It was last Thursday, at 10 in the morning.

You tweeted: “Hey Internet: I’m headed to your town on a half-assed comedy & music tour. Go to http://TeamCoco.com for tix. I repeat: It’s half-assed.”

I freaked. In a good way. Conan O’Brien, the deposed King of “The Tonight Show” (and the rightful heir to the throne), going on a comedy tour. Does it get any better?

Sorry for referring to you in the third person. I know that was weird. I just thought it sounded cooler that way.

Did you know that back in high school, my friends and I would spend our weekend nights in our basements, plastered to the computer screens, watching and re-watching (and re-watching) you play old-time baseball?

Mid-at-bat, you’d point at an airplane:

“What ho! What is that demonry?”

Yes, I have it memorized. Hopefully that’s also not too weird.

You were our muse. Our nerdy, translucent as ice, freakishly tall muse. No offense. Seriously, in our eyes, you could do no wrong.

It was rough, seeing you take abuse from NBC earlier this year. You deserved a bigger audience, a better lead-in, but most importantly, you deserved “The Tonight Show.” And when I heard about your tour, it felt like you had found a way to prolong the magic, if just for a couple months.

When the tour schedule got posted, I rushed to the web and scanned the list of cities. There was San Francisco (cool, I was born there), Dallas (they have a wonderful airport), San Diego, Phoenix, Las Vegas…Tulsa…Kansas City…Chicago. You probably know where this is going.

Where’s St. Louis? Look, I know we have an intimidatingly tall arch, but c’mon.

You! Get over here! Just do it, don’t even think about it. How can you go to Kansas City but not here? Stab me in the heart, why don’t you? You’re going to Chicago, too? Do you have any idea how much St. Louisans hate Chicago? You’re lucky we still want you to come after pulling those shenanigans, planning to go to Chicago. Sheesh! (We really, really still like you.)

If you’re into big stages, come to the Fox Theatre. And if you’re not, go to The Pageant. It has a bar. And a green EXIT sign. Oh, and the Fox has souvenirs!

C’mon, man. Come to St. Louis. Don’t leave us hanging.

All my love,
Percy

Is it that time of year again? With the release of Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver this week (and yes, those are the actual names), Cadenza thought it was only fitting that we release another bundle of Pokémon pickup lines. Hopefully, these will tide over every Poké-nut out there until sequels Pokémon SlugYellow and CoalBlack are released.

1. My Psyduck just used Psychic, so I’ll thank you in advance for the great night.

2. If I were a Nidoking, you would be my Nidoqueen.

3. I think I need a Paralyze Heal, because you’re stunning.

4. You’re such a good catch; I’ll use my Master Ball on you.

5. Did you just use Whirlwind? Because you blew me away.

6. Is that a Dratini in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

7. Are you a Hitmonlee? ’Cause your body is kickin’.

8. If you were a Pokemon, I’D CHOOSE YOU!

9. StarME and StarYU were meant to be together.

10. Hello. I’m from Team Rocket, and I’m here to steal your heart.

Many think of classical music as the kind of music their grandparents listen to, and typically, you’ll find that the elderly make up quite a bit of the audience at Lincoln Center. Contrary to the stereotypes, there are plenty of young musicians interested in classical music. Unfortunately, due to several factors, the hype—and the opportunities—must often be found outside school walls.

With both private schools and public schools offering limited arts programs, it is hard for someone to get into or continue their musical or artistic endeavors at an advanced level. There is a great need for musical education in both public and private institutions. Such education would create greater awareness, thus opening up a venue for students to possibly pursue. Private institutions, such as the New York Philharmonic, recognize this problem and have implemented various outreach programs to reach children who would not be exposed to classical music. Efforts like these, though noble, are insufficient, and the public school system of the U.S. must drastically increase its musical education programs.

If not incorporated into arts education at an early age, classical music may die out. Then again, there have been people in every generation who have bemoaned the death of classical music. Perhaps, as Charles Rosen, a distinguished American pianist and musical writer, once said in response to fears that classical music was dying, “The death of classical music is perhaps its oldest continuing tradition.” I am not so hopeful. Perhaps today is “the day the music died,” as said by Don McLean in “American Pie.” His sentiment can be seen in the empty concert halls and opera houses, the dismantled orchestras and the starving musicians.  

I think that America, which sets so many precedents for the world culturally, economically and socially, would be making a huge mistake if it did not use its influence to encourage the fine arts. Being a trendsetter of culture, it is scary to think that the legacies and works of masterful composers and musicians are at America’s mercy.

As Geoffrey Wheatcroft once stated, “In many ways, our civilization has reached a point of sophistication and abundance far surpassing anything ever known before.” But can anyone look around honestly and say that Western musical culture is as healthy and vigorous as it was 200 years ago, when Mozart was lately dead, Haydn was in his last years as a composer, Beethoven was in his earliest and Schubert was a baby? Has music anywhere to go, or is it the end of an old song?

For fans of: The Dandy Warhols, Kasabian, Queens of the Stone Age
Tracks to download: “Conscience Killer,” “Beat the Devil’s Tattoo,” “RiverStyx” 

“Beat the Devil’s Tattoo” is an album caught between two impulses. The album opens with a pair of grimy, driving garage rock tracks and a few cuts of heavy punk. But, just when Black Rebel Motorcycle Club gets cookin’, they throw on the brakes with the down-tempo “Sweet Feeling,” which isn’t stripped-down as much as it is simply lackluster. From then on we are offered several tracks that tow the chemical line between stoner rock and psychedelia with varying degrees of success. It’s a shame that BRMC didn’t write a few more songs and release two albums. As it stands, “Beat the Devil’s Tattoo” sounds incongruous, like a single-sided double album.

Side One is solid; the title track sees the band swinging for the fences. A minor-key rock-n-roll field song sprawls with deep, unrelenting percussion, little guitar squeals and the walls of sound that appear on the album’s best tracks. Up next is “Conscience Killer,” a fuzzy punk number that wouldn’t sound out of place on a Stooges release. Far and away the album’s standout, it feels like at any moment the listener might get some of the band’s sweat on him.

“Bad Blood” and “War Machine,” a pair of smolderers soaked in feedback, hot as a lighter inches away from your face, sound like the band is playing through bullhorns. Both tracks, especially the latter, point to the album’s stoner-rock tendencies while still grinding along to the punk established by the first tracks, now slowing down to the consistency and stickiness of molasses. They, along with the false-stop of “Sweet Feeling,” round out Side One.

The tracks of Side Two are often interchangeable. Frontman Peter Hayes begins by singing barely above a whisper on “Evol,” before opening to a reverb-laden release in the chorus, while repeated guitar chords 10 feet tall crash over the listener, and cymbals crash in the distance. It works to great effect, but not such a great effect that the band should be permitted to do it for the next half hour.

“The Toll,” with its acoustic guitar, harmonica and lady vocals, is a brief, if unexciting, departure, but for the most part, Side Two chugs along without too much variety. Perhaps a chemically altered mind would find more to admire, but to the straight and sober listener, the latter half of “Beat the Devil’s Tattoo” just runs together in a haze, which is a pity after the hard-earned kick and punch of the opening tracks.

(Courtesy of Fox Broadcasting)

Andie and Alex gave their opinions on the state of reality television a few weeks ago, but the discussion isn’t over. Their arguments opened something inside of me, something dark and repressed, like the first time I saw “The Proposal.” I thought I should share what I’ve found on the state of reality television.

From a ratings standpoint, reality shows are making executives happy, but maybe less happy than they did a few years ago. For example, “American Idol” is in its ninth season now, and ratings have steadily declined (albeit slowly) since their peak in 2007. The show is still the most-watched program on television (as an aside, this is a real testament to how popular “American Idol” was three years ago), but the rest of the Top 10 is populated by scripted shows, which was not the case just a few years ago, when “Survivor” and “The Apprentice” would scale the charts.

What is with the declining ratings? Was the reality show just a fad? It’s not that simple. Fads explode on the scene and disappear before you realize it. Reality shows have had lasting power. Look at “Survivor.” Yes, the ratings have slipped, but after 20 seasons (wowza), it’s clearly not ready to kick the bucket. CBS had so much faith in “Undercover Boss” that the network aired the pilot after the Super Bowl, a slot usually reserved for huge shows that can pick up amazing ratings. It did, well, not great.

Are reality shows any worse than they were a couple of years ago? It doesn’t look like it. “American Idol” finally replaced the ditsy and, honestly, unhelpful Paula Abdul with a smattering of guest hosts. The move has been successful, and it was a long time coming. “Survivor” is sort of like Old Faithful—never going to change, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Unless you don’t like “Survivor.”

I think the explanation for the declining ratings lies in how similar every reality show is to each other. Any scripted show that lasts a few seasons will have its peak, followed by a decline. The thing with reality show competitions is that they all started to come on at the same time, and most of them follow the same competition-on-a-stage, three-or-four-judges, one-of-them-British format. The genre has basically repeated itself dozens of times, so there really aren’t five different reality shows a week as much as there are five copies of the same show. They were similar enough to produce a widespread peak, and now they’re still similar enough to produce a widespread decline.

To be clear, I don’t think that the reality show will die anytime soon. When “American Idol” is over, “The X Factor” will take over, and when that ends, “You’ve Got the Goods” will reign, and things should go on like this for some time.

Best Picture

Nominees

“Avatar”
“The Blind Side”
“District 9”
“An Education”
“The Hurt Locker”
“Inglourious Basterds”
“Precious”
“A Serious Man”
“Up”
“Up in the Air”

Who will win?

Paul Johannet: “The Hurt Locker” (A guess, as I’m guilty of having not seen it).
Alex Terrono: It’s down to “The Hurt Locker,” “Avatar” and “Inglourious Basterds,” but “Hurt Locker” will pull out the win in the end.
Davis Sargeant: “The Hurt Locker.”
Andrew Senter: “The Hurt Locker.”
Percy Olsen: “The Hurt Locker.” I feel so unoriginal, but then again, why fight it?

Who should win?

Paul: Rather than who should win, I’ll pitch a controversial who should NOT win: “Avatar.” This visually enchanting behemoth’s financial success has launched James Cameron into the ranks of creative directors completely void of narrative ability. George Lucas was at the initiation ceremony.
Alex: Well, in MY opinion, “Avatar” is a work of cinematic genius. It is beautiful, engaging and creative. “Avatar” for the win!
Davis: Before I saw “The Hurt Locker,” I thought of the war in Iraq as an abstract political issue. This movie should share a shelf with “All Quiet on the Western Front,” “Saving Private Ryan” and “Apocalypse Now” as a compelling examination of emotion in war.
Percy: Look, I don’t know if it’s the best movie the year, but I really, really, really want “Inglourious Basterds” to win. If you just size up the movie based on general traits (World War II epic, maybe a smidge of biopic), then it should win. But clearly, anyone who actually saw the movie will tell you it is so much more than Oscar bait. The more I think about the nominees, the more I want “Inglourious Basterds” to take it.
Andrew: There is a small part of me that wants “The Blind Side” to win. Why? So I can permanently disregard the Oscars and every terrible movie they decide to name “Best Picture” because it is popular. Or has Sandra Bullock in it.

Best Actor

Nominees

Jeff Bridges, “Crazy Heart”
George Clooney, “Up in the Air”
Colin Firth, “A Single Man”
Morgan Freeman, “Invictus”
Jeremy Renner, “The Hurt Locker”

Who will win?

Andrew: Jeff Bridges, “Crazy Heart.”
Alex: Jeff Bridges is on a roll that no one can stop.
Percy: It’s gotta be Jeff Bridges.

Who should win?

Alex: Colin Firth shines in “A Single Man” in an emotion-packed, beautiful performance. Recognize!
Andrew: Jeff Bridges, who transforms what should be a Lifetime “movie of the month” into a memorable story about music and the perils of alcoholism, should take it.
Percy: Not to take anything from Bridges, but George Clooney was absolutely fantastic in “Up in the Air.” I would be incredibly surprised if he wins this year, but then again, I’d also be a little happy.

Best Actress

Nominees

Sandra Bullock, “The Blind Side”
Helen Mirren, “The Last Station”
Carey Mulligan, “An Education”
Gabourey Sidibe, “Precious”
Meryl Streep, “Julie & Julia”

Who will win?

Alex: Sandra Bullock will no doubt pull this one out. She’s the whole reason the film got nominated for Best Picture, so obviously the Academy loves her. Plus, the movie was the first female-driven film to cross $200 million. She made that happen.
Percy: Did you know that she said she was unhappy with her performance in “The Blind Side”? There should be some stipulation that you have to approve of your performance to win an Academy Award. Unfortunately, there isn’t, and she’ll take it.

Who should win?

Alex: I don’t care what anyone says, Zoe Saldana should win this award for “Avatar.” Even though she didn’t really appear on screen, her performance did, and it knocked my socks off.
Percy: Really, Alex? Zoe? Put your socks back on, this should go to Meryl Streep. Her winning percentage (two wins for 16 nominations) shows that she is consistently underappreciated.
Alex: Underappreciated? Really? 16 nominations later…

Best Supporting Actor

Nominees

Matt Damon, “Invictus”
Woody Harrelson, “The Messenger”
Christopher Plummer, “The Last Station”
Stanley Tucci, “The Lovely Bones”
Christoph Waltz, “Inglourious Basterds”

Who will win?

Paul: Christoph Waltz.
Alex: Without a doubt, Christoph Waltz.
Andrew: Christoph Waltz.
Percy: Agreed, it’s Christoph Waltz. Man, just writing that gave me chills.

Who should win?

Andrew: Waltz gives one of the most riveting and horrifying performances of the year.
Paul: Putting aside the ethical pitfalls of “Inglourious Basterds,” Waltz was brilliant. He colored the sadistic, cunning interrogative approach of Col. Hans Landa. Without sacrificing Landa’s perceptive abilities, Waltz made his character surprisingly inhuman, even for a Nazi.
Percy: Matt Damon really brought the goods in “Invictus”—he should win if the Academy has any sense. Nah, I’m just kidding. Waltz.
Alex: I’m going to go off on a limb and say that Harrelson should win.

Best Supporting Actress

Nominees

Penelope Cruz, “Nine”
Vera Farmiga, “Up in the Air”
Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Crazy Heart”
Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air”
Mo’Nique, “Precious”

Who will win?

Alex: Mo’Nique had this in the bag in September.
(Silence)
Alex: So no one’s going to argue?

Who should win?

Alex: Anna Kendrick really shone through in “Up in the Air.” She was my favorite part of the movie.
(More silence)
Alex: Seriously, guys?

Best Animated Feature

Nominees

“Coraline”
“Fantastic Mr. Fox”
“Princess and the Frog”
“The Secret of Kells”
“Up”

Who will win?

Paul: “Up.”
Alex: “Up” is a Best Picture nominee, enough said.
Andrew: “Up.”
Percy: “Up,” and it won’t be close.

Who should win?

Paul: “Up.” The film begins with a 15-minute montage of truly beautiful storytelling showing the relationship of Carl and Ellie.
Alex: Pixar can’t go wrong, and “Up” is no exception. It is beautifully made and completely adorable.
Andrew: The best picture nomination says everything.
Percy: But I don’t think we can forget about “The Princess and the Frog.” Yes, “Up” was the better movie, but Disney’s first hand-animated film in years dazzled, while bringing back a flood of childhood memories about “The Lion King” and “Aladdin.” It even made me have an emotional moment (and I’m not keen to admit that.) “Up” deserves it, but wow, that is some tough luck for “The Princess and the Frog.”

Featuring Percy Olsen (Senior Cadenza Editor), Alex Terrono (Movie Editor), Cici Coquillette (Music Editor), Nora Jones (Cadenza Reporter), and Jesse Calvert (Guest-Host/Misanthrope)

Hold on a second. Did I say “Steven Spielberg,” implying that this man, the creator of “E.T.” and so much else, had something to do with “The Land Before Time”?

Your eyes do not deceive you, dear reader. The original “Land Before Time” (1988) was produced by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, directed by Don Bluth and even played in theaters! Six years later marked the onslaught of 12 direct-to-VHS copycat sequels that lacked the original creators’ participation. And they are certainly a force with which we must reckon. So, before we do that, let’s lay down the grounds for evaluation. The first “The Land Before Time” is ineligible for entry on the grounds that it is the granddaddy of all “Land Before Time” (LBT) videos and will most certainly monopolize first place. Because I cannot assume that every student has time to leisurely absorb 12 videos, I’ll constrict my review to the top five sequels.

Let the reckoning begin!

5: ‘The Land Before Time XII:
The Great Day of the Flyers’
This jewel from 2007 makes it to the list simply because there is a feathery dude who shows up, doesn’t know what he is, thinks he is unique and draws a lot of attention to himself—and his name is Guido.

4: ‘The Land Before Time IV:
Journey Through the Mists’
This installment introduces Littlefoot’s lover, the beautiful girl-child longneck named Ali. A true love seed is sown as Littlefoot discovers his heterosexuality, and, even though Ali’s herd leaves the valley, we are left with the promise that she will one day be reunited with the gang. This never happens, so I assume she met a steamy end in lava soup somewhere and/or was eaten.

3: ‘The Land Before Time XI:
Invasion of the Tinysauruses’
Well, heck, who doesn’t love blaming everything that goes wrong on tiny people? The Tinysaursuses are LBT’s version of the scapegoat, as well as an indication that the writers’ ideas were running out by No. 11. These smallish Longnecks eat every single tasty “treesweet,” apparently having forgotten what they learned in kindergarten about sharing. In an effort to redirect the blame game to the appropriate party, Littlefoot takes the gang to see the Tinysaurs in their underground lair. Until this point the plot is rather dull, so why include No. 11 on this list? Well, here’s the kicker: The leader of the Tinysaurs is named Big Daddy. He’s bossy, ugly and tiny, but his big ol’ personality earns him that name. Big Daddy really saves this movie, which otherwise really has absolutely nothing else vouching for its legitimate existence.

2: ‘The Land Before Time VII:
The Stone of Cold Fire’
The writers really can’t take all the blame for LBT’s narrative restrictions. Indeed, they do a rather nice job avoiding the fact that all the little dinosaur friends could die at any minute, not from a Sharptooth, but from, say, a meteor shower. The stone of cold fire mentioned in the title is actually a meteorite. It is not dangerous—no, never that—but is something more along the lines of “magical” or “mysterious.” Some oldster in the valley is a bad, bad dino and wants to use the magic stone to take over the world. He doesn’t succeed and instead is banished. Seeing as no one gets blasted to bits or boiled in the volcano, I commend the writers for creatively avoiding the facts of science and history in order to keep things G-rated. (NB: remember the children next time you care more about fact than fiction.)

1: ‘The Land Before Time VI:
The Secret of Saurus Rock’
Of all twelve movies, why on earth does this one deserve the top spot? Taken in its entirety it could be outrun by one of its copycat counterparts, but one song in particular catapults it to the top. Always the optimists, the gang sings “When a Sharptooth finds you all alone that’s bad luck (bad luck!),”or my translation, “In the event that a Velociraptor attacks, it sucks to be you.” What a philosophy!