In defense of…hating Katie Holmes

Let me start out this article by saying that if I mysteriously disappear in the next two weeks, I was most likely kidnapped by the Church of Scientology.

Next week on “How I Met Your Mother,” Katie Holmes is slated to appear as the Slutty Pumpkin, thus concluding a running gag that has gone on since the first season of the show. If this is somehow an awful spoiler, let me remind you that the real mystery of “HIMYM” is who the mother is, not who the Slutty Pumpkin is. As much as I dislike the show, I dislike Katie Holmes even more. A role like the Slutty Pumpkin sounds like a gold mine for an actress with even the slightest bit of comedic timing. Holmes has none. Imagine someone like Anna Faris or Kristen Wiig in a role called the Slutty Pumpkin. “HIMYM” show runners, you did a bad job.

It’s not just the fact that Holmes is continuing to get roles that bothers me. It’s the idea that she is somehow this A-list star whose mere presence can elevate the medium of television and generate great ratings. Remember that time she decided to perform on “So You Think You Can Dance”? It wasn’t even spectacularly awful; it was just sort of so-so, a delightful and safe display of mediocrity.

“Dawson’s Creek” ended in 2003. It wasn’t even that celebrated of a television show; yet, it is the only thing of substance she’s done in her entire career. And she somehow keeps on riding it to important roles. She was in “Batman Begins” and then got recast for “The Dark Knight.” She played Jackie Kennedy in a miniseries that got moved to ReelzChannel after the History Channel determined it took too many liberties with the story of the Kennedy family. Her next film role is in “Jack and Jill,” the Adam Sandler movie which, despite looking awful, will most likely gross more than $100 million at the box office, because this is America. Tom Cruise and the rest of Holmes’ team are a bit like Gretchen from “Mean Girls” and the term “fetch”: They keep trying to make her happen, and she’s just not going to happen.

I guess I just don’t understand what she’s done to warrant the amount of fame she’s received. Perhaps that is the power of marrying Tom Cruise and having his child. At least prior Cruise flames Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz are actually talented—and Oscar-winners, too. I doubt we’ll ever see Katie Holmes accepting anything on the Kodak Theatre stage. Let’s hope we won’t, at least.