Dance with these ‘Stars’ on Monday

The new season of “Dancing with the Stars” premieres Monday night, and the cast is surprisingly starrier than ever. Unsurprisingly, half of the names are still unrecognizable to anyone who doesn’t read Entertainment Weekly religiously. Here are my thoughts on the new cast.

Ron Artest, who changed his name to Metta World Peace this past weekend, is one of the two athletes competing this season. I thought we hated him for throwing chairs at fans, but hey, he’s a Laker now, so that makes him really relevant. I guess Chad Ochocinco was unavailable to return.

Kristin Cavallari was the star of “The Hills” and “Laguna Beach,” though neither of these is on the air anymore. She’s been in the news recently for getting dumped by Jay Cutler, the Bears’ quarterback, so she’s very close to rock bottom right now.

J.R. Martinez is in soap operas or something. I guess that fits the show’s target audience, but the definition of “star” is especially loose here.

David Arquette, also known as the former Mr. Courtney Cox, was known for pro wrestling at one point. The good news is that he’s recovering from alcoholism. The bad news is that that’s the only newsworthy thing he’s done since the ‘90s.

Rob Kardashian is the brother of Kim, Kourtney and Khloe. I think I have that right. Anyway, who cares? I guess they needed a male reality TV star to go with Kristin Cavallari. He’s probably a DJ, too. Rich people love trying to be DJs.

Nancy Grace is capitalizing on her regained relevance brought on by the Casey Anthony case by…doing a celebrity dancing show. I’m glad the talk show host has finally realized that nobody thinks she’s a legitimate legal observer. This is probably the peak of her career.

Chaz Bono is the transgender son of Sonny and Cher, and he’s sure to cause quite a controversy with conservatives. In my eyes, the only controversy is how a man so fat can think he can win a dancing competition.

Elisabetta Canalis dated George Clooney. How does this make her qualified for anything, even “Dancing with the Stars”? Who knows? It’s good for ratings, though. Or so ABC thinks, at least.

Chynna Phillips is a member of the female group, Wilson Phillips, but she’s probably relevant because she is the daughter of singers from The Mamas & the Papas. Judging by her cameo in “Bridesmaids,” I don’t think she can dance at all.

Carson Kressley was formerly on a bunch of shows about what to wear and how to wear it. I look forward to how intensely tacky his outfits will be, because even “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” could not fix a ballroom dancing costume.

Ricki Lake will play the role of an aging 1980s movie star and talk show host in this season’s edition. Rosie O’Donnell was unavailable.

The favorite is easily Hope Solo, the beautiful goalkeeper from the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. Just look at past winners: Apolo Anton Ohno, Kristi Yamaguchi, Shawn Johnson—all Olympic gold medalists. Last year’s champion, Hines Ward, won a Super Bowl. Hopefully, Hope Solo can continue this tradition and also bring awareness to women’s soccer everywhere. It doesn’t hurt her that she gives fiery interviews and is one of the fiercest competitors in sports today.

“Dancing with the Stars” premieres tonight with a two-hour live show at 8 p.m. EDT on ABC.