Thanksgiving is an opportunity for us to come together and share our gratitude. Unless you’re famous. Then you might want to take the lead from these entertainers’ acceptance speeches: Why not use this beautiful opportunity to express your thanks to instead pick fights with ambiguously-gay Brits, act like King Kong or declare yourself the Greatest Entertainer of the Last 1,000 Years? Here’s a sampling of the top three acceptance speeches, almost none of them about giving thanks.
5. British Pop Stars Want to Punch / Donkey Punch One Another
Liam Gallagher (of Oasis) and Robbie Williams (of no fewer than 29 “Now That’s What I Call Music” albums) have been taking jabs at each other via Brit Awards acceptance speeches since 2000. Gallagher donated the Q-shaped award to Williams, using clever wordplay to insinuate that Williams was “Q”ueer because he’s been quoted saying that he would have sex with a man to save the life of a rabbit, while ignoring the fact that Williams has also had recurring sex with Rachel Hunter (Stacy’s mom) without any threat to small woodland creatures.
Williams responded by challenging Gallagher to a boxing match, presumably because he imagined that Gallagher would be too worn-out by continually riding the coattails of his vastly more talented brother Noel to put up a good fight. Alas, the contest never came to fruition, and Williams has since expressed a desire to just hug it out, where “hug” means “shag.” And he’s serious, saying, “I want [Gallagher] to be grateful for it.” That should shut Gallagher’s homophobia up.
4. Tim Commerford Rages Against Machines, Scaffolding
When the camera panned the crowd for the obligatory shots of the losers for Best Rock Video at the 2000 MTV Video Music Awards, Rage Against the Machine bassist Tim Commerford was nowhere to be found. Suddenly it became very apparent where he was hiding; he was perched on a large set piece behind the acceptance podium in protest. He threatened to jump, and the crowd went nuts, chanting “Jump!” back at him.
The sad part? He was never more than about 20 feet off the ground. Apparently Rage has gone soft, from backing Mexican insurgents to almost rolling their ankles because someone else won a Moon Man. The sadder part? The band that beat them was Limp Bizkit, making this the strongest reaction anyone over 14 has ever had to the band.
3. ODB = Outrageously Disoriented Blowhard
At least Commerford had the good sense to dispute a category for which he actually lost. At the 1998 Grammys, ODB of the Wu-Tang Clan angrily stormed the stage during the presentation for Song of the Year, which he didn’t win, and in fact was not even nominated for. None of this seemed to matter, as ODB instead ranted about his threads, “I went and bought an outfit today that costed [sic] a lot of money today,” and his influence on youth, “Wu Tang is for the children. Puffy is good, but Wu Tang is the best.”
To be fair, the man was pretty fly, and, as for the children, who better to look up to than a man nicknamed Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant, Super Bastard and Peanut the Kidnapper.
2. Oscar Snobs Boo Brando’s Peaceful Indian
The crowd at the 1973 Academy Awards was not pleased by Marlon Brando’s attempt to shine a light on negative Hollywood stereotypes of American Indians. Brando boycotted the affair and sent Native American spokeswoman Sasheen Littlefeather to refuse his Best Actor Oscar for his work in “The Godfather.” Instead, the austere and gracious Littlefeather, in full Apache garb, stressed the importance of depicting Native Americans with respect in movies and television.
…And the Hollywood elites booed her. If we can’t trust the liberal, gay and Jew-run media to further minority rights, I don’t know to whom we can turn.
1. Michael Jackson is Disillusioned, Britney Spears is Confused, Bears Defecate in Forested Areas
In 2002, Michael Jackson turned 44 on the day of the VMAs, and MTV gave him a token birthday statuette. Unfortunately, Britney Spears presented the gift and infamously expressed her personal opinion that Jacko was the artist of the millennium. Jackson just took this and ran with it, giving a heartfelt acceptance speech about never being able to dream of being crowned the Artist of the Millennium as a child, presumably because the Jackson kids were not allowed to have dreams on their own. Jackson ignored the fact that it was a bit premature to name the artist of the millennium just two years in, that Phil the Bard already won in 1364 for the last millennium and that Britney is an untrustworthy harpy.
For her own part, Brit just kind of stood around slack-jawed and paralyzed by confusion, not that Jackson was accepting an award that he didn’t win, but that she was, for once, not the most confused person on stage.
Top 5: terrible acceptance speeches
Published: Monday, November 24, 2008
Updated: Monday, November 24, 2008
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