Five fictional bands we want to play W.I.L.D.

You might not like the W.I.L.D. headliners this year. You might have dreamed that The Shins were coming. We’re sorry if that prank disappointed you—but why not dream a little bigger? We’re thinking bands that could never play W.I.L.D. because they don’t exist in reality. Here are our five picks for the best fictional bands that Team 31 should book next year.

Drive Shaft

This Manchester-based band from the hit television show “Lost,” would be the perfect fit for W.I.L.D.. They had one good song (like Mike Posner) and they’ve made a few commercials (like Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes). The band members—brothers Charlie and Liam Pace, guitarist Roderick, and an unnamed drummer—are hard-partying rockers and would probably go twice as hard as that kid from your freshman floor that passed out in Subway at noon. The band’s real claim to fame, though, is that Charlie was a passenger on flight Oceanic 815. No word on whether or not Daniel Faraday will be joining them on piano. I hope that “You All Everybody” get on board the Drive Shaft train. –Georgie Morvis

Garth and Kat

If there are any technical difficulties like at Mike Posner, the singing duo of Garth and Kat (Fred Armisen and Kristen Wiig) would certainly handle it better than he did. They’re constantly improvising their lyrics to hilarious results in their guest appearances on “Saturday Night Live.” Garth and Kat always come with a seasonal theme, and what could put students in a better mood than an almost-summer-themed set? Perhaps little-seen third member Jan Pockabook (Coldplay’s Chris Martin) will join them on backing vocals, or Seth Meyers (who was here just last year) will be disgruntled about their style. Garth and Kat would definitely make W.I.L.D. a fun time, and imagine a little improvised ditty about vomiting college students. Picture perfect. –Georgie Morvis


There are no two ways about it: “Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century” was one of the best Disney Channel Original Movies made. Zenon lived on a space station and loved the band Microbe and its lead singer Protozoa. Here’s the thing, if Microbe can put on an awesome concert on a space station, it’s pretty much guaranteed they’ll be entertaining wherever they perform—even Brookings Quad. I mean, how can you not enjoy their hit “Supernova Girl (Zoom, Zoom, Zoom)”? Protozoa sure knows how to engage the audience. Plus, the band’s outfits are zany enough (fitting with the whole futuristic space theme of the movie) to work for W.I.L.D.. Lyrics that are easily stuck in your head along with a catchy beat and a healthy dose of nostalgia would make for the ideal W.I.L.D. performance. –Jennifer Goldberger

Mouse Rat

Spring W.I.L.D. headliners have had some pretty crazy (wild, even) names these past years: Fitz and the Tantrums, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars. But one band could outdo them all. Currently called Mouse Rat, this band from NBC comedy “Parks and Recreation” has been known as Scarecrow Boat, Andy and the D-Bags, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Radwagon, Just the Tip, and Nothing Rhymes With Orange. That’s just a few of the 24 names they’ve had. Reel Big Fish who? Musically, Mouse Rat sounds like a hilarious version of Nickelback that writes lyrics so awful they’re amazing, rather than lyrics that qualify them as the worst band in the world. A band named Fiveskin is just what we Wash. U. kids need to wash the taste of Mike Posner from our mouths. –Georgie Morvis

Dr. Funke’s 100 Percent Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution

The folksy and inspired musical stylings of the cowbell, tambourine and autoharp-playing group from “Arrested Development” would be perfect for W.I.L.D. The band members may have gone their separate ways since the height of their success in the mid ’90s, but Brookings Quad would be an ideal place for them to stage their revival; it would likely be their biggest venue yet, but they’re clearly ready to make the leap— with soulful, nuanced lyrics and shows that scream of forced child performances. For the countless inebriated students who start to feel homesick before hitting the ground, the band would be able to bring an uncommon dose of family-friendly cheer. And if we crossed our fingers, they might even be willing to bring some Teamocil—the old-school psychiatric drug that gives a sense of joy before dampening sex drive and shutting down the pituitary. Just what students need before finals begin. –Michael Tabb