An Open Letter to Conan O’Brien

| Senior Cadenza Editor

Hey, Coco.

(Courtesy of Bravo)

It’s me, Percy. You remember me, right? I’m the guy who…watched your show. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t remember who I am. I’m sure a lot of other people watched you host “Late Night” and “The Tonight Show.” But I did watch all six episodes of “Andy Barker, P.I.” too, so that has to count for something, right? My favorite episode was the one with the evil chicken cartel.

I just thought we should get in touch. I know this sounds creepy, but I remember where I was when you announced your “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour.” I was in bed. It was last Thursday, at 10 in the morning.

You tweeted: “Hey Internet: I’m headed to your town on a half-assed comedy & music tour. Go to http://TeamCoco.com for tix. I repeat: It’s half-assed.”

I freaked. In a good way. Conan O’Brien, the deposed King of “The Tonight Show” (and the rightful heir to the throne), going on a comedy tour. Does it get any better?

Sorry for referring to you in the third person. I know that was weird. I just thought it sounded cooler that way.

Did you know that back in high school, my friends and I would spend our weekend nights in our basements, plastered to the computer screens, watching and re-watching (and re-watching) you play old-time baseball?

Mid-at-bat, you’d point at an airplane:

“What ho! What is that demonry?”

Yes, I have it memorized. Hopefully that’s also not too weird.

You were our muse. Our nerdy, translucent as ice, freakishly tall muse. No offense. Seriously, in our eyes, you could do no wrong.

It was rough, seeing you take abuse from NBC earlier this year. You deserved a bigger audience, a better lead-in, but most importantly, you deserved “The Tonight Show.” And when I heard about your tour, it felt like you had found a way to prolong the magic, if just for a couple months.

When the tour schedule got posted, I rushed to the web and scanned the list of cities. There was San Francisco (cool, I was born there), Dallas (they have a wonderful airport), San Diego, Phoenix, Las Vegas…Tulsa…Kansas City…Chicago. You probably know where this is going.

Where’s St. Louis? Look, I know we have an intimidatingly tall arch, but c’mon.

You! Get over here! Just do it, don’t even think about it. How can you go to Kansas City but not here? Stab me in the heart, why don’t you? You’re going to Chicago, too? Do you have any idea how much St. Louisans hate Chicago? You’re lucky we still want you to come after pulling those shenanigans, planning to go to Chicago. Sheesh! (We really, really still like you.)

If you’re into big stages, come to the Fox Theatre. And if you’re not, go to The Pageant. It has a bar. And a green EXIT sign. Oh, and the Fox has souvenirs!

C’mon, man. Come to St. Louis. Don’t leave us hanging.

All my love,
Percy

  • Shane

    This is insane. You’re complaining about St. Louis? What about Florida?!! FLORIDA!