It’s almost 2020
Last semester, we wrote a heap o’ articles on our favorite movies, genres and “America’s Next Top Model” cycles from the last decade. They were a big hit, and nobody, and I mean nobody, wanted the ride to end. Well, we’ve got news for you, fellas: The decade is over! So it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to continue ranking the past. You see, we here at Cadenza are all about the future, and to say hello to the teens, we’re going to slowly put together a comprehensive list of all things arts and entertainment that we know are to happen this decade. Call us what you want: lunatics, time-wasters, Jacob from “Lost”—we’ve heard them all before, and we don’t care. We already know how awesome we are. We’re about to predict the future, *dammit*! So here are what are sure to be our favorite movies of the next decade.
‘Avatar 5: Red, White and (gasp!) Blue’
The president of the United States has gone missing from the White House’s annual Space Barbecue and Potato Sack Relay Race Team Building Exercise, and the only man who can find him is special agent Jake Sully! There’s only one problem: Agent Sully has also been framed for the kidnapping!
In a space epic that spans several worlds and at least four dimensions, Agent Sully has to find the missing commander in chief, testify in court to clear his name, and make it home in time to help Neytiri prepare their famous enchiladas for their Super Bowl party. A dramatic turn from Peyton Manning adds a human touch to a cast that honestly consists mostly of puppets.
‘The Arrested Development Movie’
After years of anticipation, Mitch Hurwitz releases his baby to the public, and it is an international hit. It becomes the highest-grossing movie of all time, even if you figure in inflation. The movie sweeps the Oscars—literally. It wins every category, including Best Animated Picture, due to the return of Mr. Banana Grabber (His catchphrase remains, “Look, a She-gull!”).
The movie is loved by everyone…well, almost everyone. Most Dunderheads decide to skip the movie, opting to watch “The Office” alone in their bedrooms.
‘Iron Man vs. Sherlock Holmes: Partners in Time’
In the acting challenge of his career, Robert Downey Jr. must channel a young Lindsay Lohan to play two certified geniuses who live in different times and were separated at birth. Naturally, Iron Man and Holmes go through the classic stages of sibling rivalry at first, but they soon push their issues aside when they realize that a 19th-century crime syndicate has acquired a nuclear weapon and is holding the world ransom…in two different time periods! The two heroes must utilize their unique strengths to save the world. Holmes has to use his smarts and his brawn to lay the smackdown on crime, while Iron Man must use his intellect and his physical strength to show the criminals that crime never pays.