Oh my God, it’s almost 2010: ‘America’s Next Top Model’ moments

| Cadenza Reporters
(MCT)

(MCT)

It seems as if this quickly ending decade has heard the words “America’s next top model is…” 92 times. In actuality, it is only the show’s 13th cycle that is about to have its finale Wednesday. That is why we have decided to take a look back at Tyra Banks’s brainchild, the phenomenon that brings another perspective to the lives of models and gives the people of this glamorous decade another fantasy to revel in. So, here goes: a list of the “ANTM” essentials.

Tyra moments

The fierce host of the show has lost and regained her sanity in front of our very eyes more times than she’s eliminated fuglies. Remember when Banks went an entire cycle with orange hair? She told her beautician to go for fiery ferocity, and what she got was carrot cake from last year’s Thanksgiving. There was also that time during Cycle 4 when redeemed bad girl Tiffany Richardson was eliminated, and Banks tried to console her, but lost her temper and “went hood” all on Richardson’s head. Richardson left, saying she “don’t have to take this from [Tyra].” Don’t get us started on the fact that Banks will not stop talking about “smizing” (smiling with your eyes) this season.

Winners vs. runners-up

As fickle an industry as modeling is, it does not always provide the best shelf life for its “employees.” Thus, if “ANTM’s” judges want to promote a positive image for models, they should graduate some who will actually do something with their lives. But they let bone-baring Jaslene beat exotic Natalia Vodianova-lookalike Natasha in Cycle 8. In Cycle 2, bubbly, surefire success Mercedes lost somehow to that manchild Yoanna. And when Whitney won, it was a wonderful moment because she was a bigger girl. But it hurt that she beat striking Anya. Most scathing, however, was when mousy, “cute” Nicole beat both ferocious catwalker Bre and ethereal beauty Nik in Cycle 5. Unforgivable.

Most beautiful uglies

“ANTM” is notorious for picking girls who are horrendous in person but take stunning pictures, or vice-versa. Cases in point: Cycle 2’s Shandi (the biggest makeover in history), Heather Kuzmich from Cycle 9, and especially the winner of Cycle 12, Teyona. These girls benefited greatly from getting their weave put in and having themselves slathered in Maybelline. And special shout-out to Lluvy, who didn’t take such great pictures and wasn’t our fave in person.

Weirdest names

Speaking of Lluvy, a lot of the girls on the show have had some awe-inducing names. Katarzyna Dolinska, Furonda Brasfield, Coryn Woitel, Xiomara Frans, Kahlen Rondot, Melrose Bickerstaff and Fo Porter are among some of the most excellent foils to the Brittanys and Ashleys of the show.

So now that this cycle is drawing to a close and we’ve recapped the craziness that has been “ANTM,” we’ll see you Wednesday when Nicole Fox (hopefully) takes the top prize. And then probably two weeks later, prepare yourself for a 14th season of Tyra Banks correcting the girls’ fierceness by demonstrating herself the exact look they’ve already done.