Ghost Stories

| Cadenza Staff

From Obama’s first 100 days in office to the release of the much anticipated sequel “Fast & Furious,” 2009 has been notable for many reasons. Yet one of the most memorable aspects of the year thus far has been the fact that people are just dropping like flies. And more dead people means more ghosts. So with Halloween just around the corner, a few ghostbusting tips from Harold Ramis, a whole lot of Ouija boards, and absolutely no input from Jonathan Edwards (not the senator). Cadenza proudly (and irreverently) brings you the inside information on these newly initiated members of the afterlife.

1. Michael Jackson

Favorite person/place to haunt: Boy Scout campfires.

Who he hangs with now: Fred Astaire, in a never-ending dance-off.

What the afterlife is like: Sigh, heaven is not as cool as Neverland.

Best part about being dead: All of the record sales and none of the effort of actually completing that monster tour.

Commonly heard saying: “Hyi-Woo!”

2. Billy Mays

Favorite person/place to haunt: Vince Offer, the ShamWow guy.

Who he hangs with now: Jesus, the original pitchman.

What the afterlife is like: The road to hell is paved with Mighty Putty; Oxyclean can clean up your immortal soul.

Best part about being dead: Angel dust.

Commonly heard saying: “Hi, Billy Mays here with an amazing new product, The Harp Tarp! Made from polymers designed by NASA to build the Hubble Telescope, the Harp Tarp literally cradles your favorite harp in its soft…”

3. Farrah Fawcett

Favorite person/place to haunt: Ryan O’Neal—for hitting on his own daughter at my funeral.

Who she hangs with now: Bosley.

What the afterlife is like: No one pays attention to me here either.

Best part about being dead: My hair just stays that way.

Commonly heard saying: “I feel like nobody here even remembers that I played the Faucet in ‘The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars!’ Fawcett—Faucet. Get it?”

4. Bea Arthur

Favorite person/place to haunt: Anyone who didn’t go through a 40-year-long menopause.

Who she hangs with now: Estelle Getty and Carroll O’Connor.

What the afterlife is like: Actually, it’s a lot like Miami: hot and full of oversexed, underdressed people who don’t care for grammar.

Best part about being dead: Not having to listen to Rue McClanahan talk about her sex life. Really, no one cares that you slept with Jimmy Carter’s speech writer.

Commonly heard saying: “God’ll get you for that.”

5. David Carradine

Favorite person/place to haunt: Quentin Tarantino.

Who he hangs with now: Former Autoerotic Asphyxiators Anonymous members.

What the afterlife is like: Carl Douglas’ “Kung Fu Fighting,” word for word.

Best part about being dead: Being invulnerable to “Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.”

Commonly heard saying: “Apparently, I’m not the man.”

6. Patrick Swayze

Favorite person/place to haunt: Demi Moore, for old time’s sake.

Who he hangs with now: Watching the Astaire/Jackson dance-off­—not allowed to participate.

What the afterlife is like: No one leaves babies in corners.

Best part about being dead: Not having to use Whoopi Goldberg as a medium.

Commonly heard saying: “I’ve had the time of my life.”

7. Ed McMahon

Favorite person/place to haunt: Dick Clark. Have you watched the New Year’s Eve special lately? He’s next.

Who he hangs with now: Johnny Carson. Reunited, and it feels so good.

What the afterlife is like: Judges? 4.76/5 stars.

Best part about being dead: No more Cash4Gold commercials.

Commonly heard saying: “Heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Jesus!”