Dear Mom and Dad,

It’s me, your son Percy. I’m just writing home to check up on you two, see how things are going. I know we haven’t corresponded by snail-mail ever, but I thought it’d be nice to start. So, let’s start. There have been some big changes around here. I boiled pasta for dinner, yesterday, and I plan to reheat it for tonight’s dinner. I bought Cascade detergent.

Yup, big things.

So, that’s not the only thing I’m writing home about. I, well, the other day, I was just thinking about the lessons you guys taught me when I was younger, like don’t point, don’t interrupt people, don’t watch ABC’s Wednesday Comedies…well, I did something bad. Something really bad.

Last Wednesday, I watched ABC’s comedies. And I’m so sorry.

I’m going to tell you what happened, and then maybe you won’t be so upset.

First came “Modern Family.” It’s a show about a modern family. They do modern things, like going to soccer games, and they have modern problems, like fighting with their parents. The kids hang out at malls, and one of the dads thinks he’s cool because he knows all of the lyrics (and dance steps) to “High School Musical,” and this old guy is in a relationship with a woman half his age. It was like, maybe the most modern comedy I’ve ever seen.

But, then I realized it wasn’t. I’ve seen all these characters before, portrayed by better actors and bolstered by stronger scripts, contained in funnier shows, all in the past…even the gay couple, whose story might be the most original (and hence, “modern”) in the bunch, has been done before. See “Arrested Development,” Season 2, Episode 12, “Hand to God.”

And the jokes were colder than my leftover pasta, Mom. You wouldn’t believe how heavy-handed they were, Dad. The ending was pretty neat, as it tied all the plots together, but it was a one-off, and it can’t happen again.

I’m just so happy it didn’t have a laugh track.

After the show ended, I sat there, in a daze, unable to will my legs to get off the couch. I watched in horror as the next pilot aired. Courteney Cox grabbed what she calls “arm fat” and jiggled what we’re supposed to believe is a “belly.” I was supposed to think she looked over-the-hill, but I couldn’t.

I was supposed to find “Cougar Town” funny, but I wouldn’t. Talk about a soulless show, its zingers bounce around in fits of randomness and cheese, leaving it unfocused. Which, in turn, left me confused, and that made me surprisingly scared of what could possibly come next. Which meant I wasn’t laughing as much as I was cowering.

“Bam!” Cox’s character yells, as she flashes some teenager.

Oh, please…don’t. Leave me alone, Courteney Cox.

“Bam!”

Why?

Now ABC asks, “If HBO can get away with ‘Sex and the City,’ why can’t we get away with ‘Cougar Town?’”

Two reasons: One, the pilot’s running gag is that there’s some middle schooler running around town who is stealing advertisements for realtor Jules Cobb (Cox) because she looks hot. There’s even a chase scene…not making that up.

And two, you named it “Cougar Town.” That ranks with “Howie Do It!” as one of the worst titles, capitalizing on slang that was never popular to begin with. And don’t respond by saying this will make it popular. Oh, it won’t.

I just learned it was written by Bill Lawrence. And now I can’t enjoy “Scrubs.”

It’s been a real tough week, Mom and Dad. I’m sorry I watched ABC’s Wednesday Comedies, I promise to never do it again, please forgive me. I’m writing this out, because I thought this stuff was too serious to send in an e-mail. Ha, “serious…”my life used to be so carefree.

I promise to watch “Glee” next week.

Love,
Percy Olsen