Here’s the truth about “He’s Just Not That Into You”:  I writhed in anguish while I watched this movie. I gnawed on my water bottle, fidgeted in my seat, ground my heels into the floor and clenched my knuckles; all the while understanding that almost every female I know will love this movie.

It’s true. Women are masochists. Watch this movie, and not only will you feel it, but you will also be told over and over again, in the most excruciating ways possible. By excruciating, I mean reminiscent of every way you’ve ever been humiliated and tortured by love. It’s so cringe worthy at times, it reminds you of middle school dances. It’s a good thing these people are fictional, because otherwise you’d feel pretty cruel for inflicting that kind of pain.

The protagonist is Desperate Girl (Gennifer Goodwin) who meets Little Pale Guy in Love with a Girl He’ll Never Get Because She is Way Too Hot for Him (Kevin Connolly). While Desperate Girl is waiting for his phone call, she receives invaluable advice from Cynical Romantic Sage/Bartender (Justin Long). The secret is this: He’s just NOT that into you. From here, all aspects of this theme are explored with a slew of characters, including the Dissatisfied Married Man (Bradley Cooper), the Beautiful Tightly-Wound Wife (Jennifer Connelly), the Hopelessly Un-hip Optimist (Drew Barrymore), The Perfect Guy Who Just Doesn’t Believe in Marriage (Ben Affleck), The Sister Who Just Does Things “Her Own Way” (Jennifer Aniston) and surprise, surprise, the Sexy Yoga Teacher Wanna-be Singer (Scarlett Johansson). All of these characters are somehow connected, à la “Love Actually,” which makes it a small miracle that they haven’t all ended up at some super-awkward potluck.

The plot is overwhelmingly predictable and improbable; the characters are shallow, undeveloped and one dimensional, and it stylistically resembles every single romantic comedy released in the past 30 years. But it shines in its brutal honesty, if only for the moments that it is actually allowed to exist, before it submits to the constraints of formulaic romantic comedy. It’s the humor of honesty that is the saving grace of this film. Thank goodness for comic relief.

This movie was so honest that I could actually hear men around me shrinking while they envisioned the horrible fate of their favorite appendage as soon as they reached the parking lot. Luckily, the movie picked up, and manhood was redeemed, thanks mostly to Ben Affleck’s character. My Spanish professor’s favorite American swear word rhymes with “smoosh-bag,” and he used it to describe Ben Affleck the other day. It proved bizarrely prophetic.

After this movie let out, I went to the bathroom and women were practically foaming at the mouth about this movie. Young, old, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly. “I’d like, totally, recommend it to someone!” I heard a woman cry.