I am in no position to offer any advice, and if you insist on me giving some, it will most likely come in the form of a “30 Rock” quote, like “Live every week like it’s shark week” or “You need to wear a bra.” I can honestly say I do at least one of these every day.

I also know that if you’ve ever met me or read anything I’ve written, you probably expect me to write some snarky, sardonic piece on something, like how spooning with your freshman floor is probably one of the most ridiculously unnecessary events in the history of Senior Week. Seriously. I’d rather watch an “Outsourced” marathon.

Instead, I am going to selfishly use this venue to thank people. Sincerely. Like they do on the Academy Awards. Only there is no music to cut me off. So prepare yourselves because I’m going to go all Best Sound Mixing guy on you.

Thanks for reading my inane articles about college movies, the current location of Kel Mitchell, and bad cable movie dubs.

Thanks for being the best co-editor a girl could ask for. We were always so on top of things.

Thanks for literally dragging me up the Kelso Sand Dunes and Waipio Valley and waiting about three extra hours for me to reach the top.

Thanks for hosting and attending weekly potlucks.

Thanks for offering to sleep outside so I could sleep in the car when she-who-shall-not-be named forgot the tent poles on our camping trip.

Thanks for saving me from spending more than 12 hours at LAX.

Thanks for getting as annoyed as I do when people you’ve met multiple times don’t say “Hi” to you on campus.

Thanks for going to Zumba classes where sangria is offered instead of water.

Thanks for being intrigued by stone babies, strange addictions and extreme couponing.

Thanks for not blocking or deleting my number from your phone despite the incessant, three-page long, sometimes passive aggressive, usually slightly inebriated texts that I have been sending you for four years now.

Thanks for always allowing me to raid your shoes and dresses, and for matching my apathy.

Thanks for leading our laser tag team to victory. Those 9-year-olds had no idea what hit them.

Thanks for still being friends with me despite my pointing out a possible resemblance to a certain Muppet.

Thanks for sending me the greatest messages from abroad; I always look forward to those emails.

Thanks for making crossword puzzles an integral part of lunch.

Thanks for living with me for three years, for being the Ella Fitzgerald to my Louis Armstrong, for cooking dinner every night, for late-night talks, for tolerating my getting hooked on songs by the likes of Leona Lewis, Pink, and Wilson Phillips, for going to the Creation Museum, for also knowing all the words to “One Week” by BNL, for being streets ahead, for enabling my crazy reasoning behind various life choices, for “It’s not your fault,” for rubber band balls, for not smacking or evicting me while I was in the midst of my thesis death and probably one of the worst people then walking the earth, and for being my best friends.

Thanks for putting up with my constant sarcasm and cynicism, and for knowing that I really only think everything is the worst 43 percent of the time.

And lastly, a specific thanks to my amazing parents, for being the only people to have read every single article I have written, despite usually not having any idea what I’m talking about, much like in this one.

Rob Thurman | RobThurman.com

TREEmendous

Join the folks at the Missouri Botanical Garden and Gamma Tree Experts for the ultimate outdoor activity: an arboreal scavenger hunt. From now until the end of September, you are invited to visit mobot.org, where you’ll find the coordinates for 30 of St. Louis’ most spectacular trees in parks all around the county and Illinois. Be one of the first to snap a photo of yourself with half of the list and identify each tree by species (they provide a handy guide), and you’ll earn free admission to MoBot.

Laumeier Sculpture Park

Over 75 giant, thought-provoking, awesome sculptures call Laumeier Sculpture Park’s 105 sprawling acres home. The grounds are perfect for picnicking, and “Man with Briefcase at #2968443,” “Ball? Ball! Wall? Wall!” and “Symphony Lounge” are just a few of the many sculptures that warrant hilarious profile picture-worthy shots. The park is open every day until sunset and admission is free, so spend the day strolling around the beautiful green grass and backwoods trails exploring this open-air museum.  

Cardinals games fo’ cheap

If you love going to professional baseball games, but hate paying more than $5.60 for a ticket, then you are pretty darn lucky you live in Saint Louis. During home games, the Cardinals sell First Pitch Tickets, which means that if you can drag yourself out of bed and be at Busch Stadium by 9 a.m. on game day, you can buy a two-ticket voucher for $11.20. Fifteen minutes before the game starts, you trade in your voucher for an envelope that contain tickets—theoretically—to anywhere in the park. And even though they are almost certain to be Standing Room Only, you can hang out in Ford Plaza, the Left Field Porch, or just snag some empty seats on the upper deck. There isn’t a bad seat in the park.

Soulard Farmers Market

The Soulard Farmer’s Market is only three years younger than the United States itself. 232 years of business must mean you’re doing something right. And that something right is delicious, cheap produce, meats and cheeses, interesting and unique crafts (and craft sellers) and $8 kittens. The selection and cost of the produce here puts everything Schnucks sells to shame. Five avocados for $1, $2 beers and pulled-pork sandwiches for $3.50? Yes please, to everything. The Soulard Farmer’s Market is open from 8 a.m. until 5 p.m. Wednesday through Friday, and from 6 a.m. until 5 p.m. on Saturdays.

Forest Park Bike/Walk Trails

What’s big, green and gets 10 million visitors per year? Forest Park, of course. Spring is the perfect season for bikers to explore the park’s 7.5-mile bike trail. The trail navigates along the exterior of the park, passing such landmarks as the history museum and planetarium. Along the north side of the park the trail also affords great views of turn-of-the-century mansions. No bike? No problem. A gravel pedestrian path travels adjacent to the bike trail. The path leads to numerous sitting areas nestled among oak trees and calm streams, ideal places to escape the chaos of the last month of school.

Steph Spera | Student Life

Visitors who pay for a tour of Busch stadium can enter the radio broadcast room, which offers a view of the St. Louis skyline (shown). Other tour highlights include going into the Champions Club and the dugout.

Thanks to multiple tours offered daily from Gate 5, a mere $10 will get you a behind-the-scenes look at Busch Stadium. Throughout the tour, an usher-turned-tour-guide offers insider information, such as the best place in the stadium to get a beer—the Cardinals Left Field Porch—and makes jokes at the expense of the two Cubs fans who decided to proclaim their baseball allegiance on enemy territory (they don’t know what championship trophies look like, and it’s funny).

Batting practice usually starts an hour before the game, and the Left Field Porch is the perfect place to hang out and grab a drink while the Cards are warming up. And, with commentators Al Hrabosky, Dan McLaughlin and Rick Horton broadcasting their pregame interviews right across from the bar, the Left Field Porch is where one is most likely to snag Pujols’ autograph.

From the Left Field Porch, the tour proceeds through various elevators, over the bridge at Gate 3, whose structure pays homage to Eads bridge, past the giant statue of Cards great Stan “The Man” Musial and into the Champions Club. In this exclusive section, more than 30 flat screen televisions broadcast every MLB game, an all-inclusive multi-course buffet is available and air conditioning mercifully makes summer day games endurable. The Club’s glossy decor features plush leather and framed pictures of championship rings (again, unfamiliar to the Cubs fans). Its tickets range from $85-$170.

If the Champions Club is slightly outside a student’s budget, consider tickets for the Redbird Club. Giant vintage baseball cards of past Cardinal greats deck the bright green walls here. Included is a sole member of the St. Louis Browns—the legendary Satchel Paige, who is believed to have pitched professionally well into his 60s.

The radio broadcast room, located right above home plate, commands the best view of the field in the entire park. Here, some member of the tour group will mostly likely answer nearly all of the guide’s baseball trivia, but ignore that precocious 4-year-old reciting a litany of retired numbers and concentrate on the view.

After meandering through hallways navigable only by the guide, the tour highlight arrives: a walk onto the field itself. The guides permit lucky groups to sit in the Cardinals dugout. The amount of graffiti carved into the benches is amazing. Matt Holliday was there in 2010. The price of the tour is worth just walking along the warning track, looking at the Arch glittering off in the distance and imagining what life could have been like if you hadn’t quit little league.

With 10 World Series championships under their belt, the St. Louis Cardinals are second only to the Yankees. But, as the guide enthusiastically insisted, the Cards have beaten the Yankees three of the five times they’ve faced them in the World Series. By his math, this record makes them the true MLB Champions. The weather is improving daily, so check out the home of these champions before the oppressive St. Louis summer arrives!

Specific tour information can be found at http://stlouis.cardinals.mlb.com/stl/ballpark/tours/index.jsp

Related

‘Community’ star cracks up students in comedy show

Student Life’s Steph Spera caught up with Glover and Pierson after the show to discuss their careers, television and BroRape.

Student Life: Marry, boff, kill: Allison Brie, Gillian Jacobs, or Tina Fey.

Donald Glover: Whhhhattttttt. That’s so hard and so delicate….There’s no way out of this. There’s no way out of this.

SL: If it makes you feel better, our readership is pretty low.

DC Pierson: Yeah, Google isn’t a thing.

DG: Marry, boff, kill….

[Actual three-minute-long internal struggle]

I’d marry Gillian. Gillian. No, I’d have to marry Tina because I’d know she’s a good mom. I already know she’s a good mom. I’ve seen it. You know what, I’m going to go with Gillian, I’d have to fuck Gillian.

SL: You’d kill Allison Brie.

DG: I’d have to kill Allison Brie. But only because she would kill me after she found out about this.

SL: How is it like working on “Community”? Is it awesome?

DG: Can I say something, I know I’ve been saying that a lot, that I love it there. But I f—— hate it. No, it’s the best job ever.

SL: What’s your favorite episode?

DG: I love the zombie episode, that was fun for me to do. There’s a flashback episode that’s coming up, that was really fun. The documentary episode. And I like the darker ones, like “Mixology 101.”

SL: Growing up with your mom as a foster parent plays a huge role in your stand-up, is there anything that you won’t put in your routine?

DG: No. There are other stories that I’ll probably tell in other stand-up. My parents just saw my stuff for the first time. I’m not worried about “Is this too much.” It’s just, “You know what, it happened, we’ll talk about it.”

SL: Do you prefer the music, or the stand up, or the acting?

DG: I just have a good time doing it all. I would never leave comedy and do just music. Or the other way. I really don’t think I could. There are all different ways to express yourself.

[Pointing to DC]

He’s a writer, he’s an actor. He makes a bunch of s—.

SL: I remember watching “BroRape” when I was a senior in high school. Is it crazy going from that to where you are now?

DG: I never look at it that way. I think a lot of people look at the Internet, as like a place, like, “yeah you’re on the internet.” But we always saw the Internet as a means to do other things.

SL: As a senior who’s about to graduate, how do you get a job like you did, right out of college?

DG: Intern places where you really want to work. That’s number one. Seriously. Because people start to notice. I got the job on “30 Rock” because [they] knew I wrote, and I was around all the time. I was about to graduate and I was freaking out. I was about to go write for a video game company. And that was writing: that would have been cool too. But I got that call and it changed my life. I was very lucky. But that was because I was UCB [Upright Citizen’s Brigade) all the time. If you want a head start, be wherever that job is all the time, work really hard—people will notice it. And do it for free, because when you start to get paid for it, it will be like, “Holy S—!”

SL: Can you sing the “Reading Rainbow” theme song?

DG: Well yes. Write down yes.

DCP: This is going to look really good in print. If you just write the words of the “Reading Rainbow theme song” and print “Then Donald sang.”

Check out DC Pierson’s blog at dcpierson.com.

Richard Foreman | FOX

Contra Security head Oz (Christian Slater, left) attempts to convince Cameron (Bret Harrison, right) to join the team in the new half-hour comedy Breaking In premiering Wednesday, April 6 at 8:30 p.m. CST on FOX.

In the pilot, Oz breaks into Cameron’s (Bret Harrison) dorm room (Cameron is 27, and he is still in college due to his computer hacking capabilities), to offer him an ultimatum: work for Contra Security or be turned in to the university and arrested.

Cameron’s first day at the office is interrupted by fanboy/computer genius Cash’s (Alphonso McAuley) office pranks. Except Cash and his IQ of 161 take things a little farther than putting a stapler in Jell-O or sending faxes from the future. Instead, Cash screws Cameron’s desk to the ceiling and flips his car upside down. And, if that isn’t enough, Cash does so while saying what I’m sure people will consider an endearing catchphrase, “Boom goes the dynamite!”

The pilot also introduces a love triangle. Cameron finds himself attracted to the motorcycle-driving, leather-wearing, smoking hot lock-breaker, Melanie (Odette Annable), who, unfortunately for Cameron, is dating someone else—Dutch (Michael Rosenbaum, i.e. Lex Luthor from “Smallville”)—who sells clean urine on the Internet. Dutch wears Ed Hardy t-shirts, puffy vests, and light blue jeans tucked into tan Uggs. Based on the previews, he is what I imagine Dane Cook to be like in person, which, depending on whether or not you like Dane Cook, is either absolutely hilarious, or, more correctly, absolutely awful.

According to IMDB, there are also two other characters. One of them is named Josh (who has been absent from almost every Fox preview), and the other is named Creepy Carol.

Fox’s new comedy “Breaking In” airs on Wednesday at 8:30 p.m. after “American Idol.”

Do you know that you won an Oscar? Because judging by your most recent releases, “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice,” “Season of the Witch,” and this Friday’s latest “Drive Angry 3D,” it seems like you misplaced your gold statuette.

I know you’ve had some problems with the IRS lately, and you need the money. But, instead of lending your voice to a character in “G-Force,” maybe next time you can let Leo DiCaprio outbid you on that Tarbosaurus skull and save a good $276,000.

It’s pretty obvious that “Wickerman” started the downward spiral. Not that I’ve ever seen the whole thing. I mean, aside from the hilarious and informative YouTube clips, no one has. Maybe the critical thrashing made you insecure in your role choosing abilities.

But, I am here to remind you, at one point in time, you were on the A-List. Roger Ebert once compared you to the acting elite: “There are often lists of the great living male movie stars: De Niro, Nicholson, and Pacino, usually. How often do you see Nicholas Cage? He should be up there.”

“Raising Arizona” defined my childhood. “Leaving Las Vegas,” “Moonstruck,” “Adaptation.” All great performances. Hell, “City of Angels,” gave us that awesome Goo Goo Dolls song.

I’m going to suggest two rules that you should consider.
1. No magic. Maybe go back and try the whole pure action movie thing. “The Rock”, “Face / Off,” “Gone and Sixty Seconds.” They all worked, and in no role did you ever teach or use witchcraft. Or maybe even those family dramatic-comedy with “man” in the title; “The Weather Man;” “Matchstick Men;” “The Family Man.” I would watch any of those on an airplane.
2. No sequels. Granted, the only sequel you’ve ever made was “National Treasure 2: Books of Secrets,” and if weren’t for your current monetary crisis, I would also be asking for my $8 back, but I’m thinking no one is going to want to see “Season of the Witch 2”.

If you can steal the Declaration of Indepence, break into and out of Alcatraz, and work with Charlie Kaufman, you can bounce back from this.

Sincerely,
Steph Spera
P.S. How did it get burned?

Chris Haston | NBC

“The Office”—“Classy Christmas” episode 711—Pictured: Brian Baumgartner as Kevin Malone, Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer and Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis.

Note: By the time Student Life goes to print, we won’t have seen what is sure to have been the awesome “Community” claymation special. And I think we can all agree that the severe lack of Mariah Carey Christmas songs on Tuesday’s “Glee” automatically makes it ineligible for contention on this list.

‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’
‘A Very Sunny Christmas Special’
If you’ve always thought Christmas specials lacked crime, depravity and a naked, sweaty Danny DeVito being birthed from a couch, then “A Very Sunny Christmas Special” is perfect for you. How do the worst people on earth spend their Christmas? Dennis and Dee attempt to “Christmas Carol” Frank as punishment for always buying what Dennis and Dee want for Christmas but keeping the gifts for himself. Meanwhile, Mac and Charlie confront their own Christmas ghosts as they realize that what they thought were typical Christmas traditions were actually bouts of petty theft and prostitution. Hilarity ensues.

Patrick McElhenney | FX

Season 5: “D.E.N.N.I.S.” Top L-R: Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton

‘Futurama’
‘Xmas Story’
It’s the end of the year, but Fry just can’t get into the holiday spirit. Maybe it’s because he can’t decide whether to buy Leela a $500 parrot or 500 $1 stink lizards. Maybe it’s because “Christmas” now goes by “Xmas.” Or maybe it’s because Robot Santa, played by a menacing John Goodman, is trying to shoot him with a machine gun. Really though, what would Xmas be without Robot Santa’s mistletoe? Sorry, I mean TOW missile. The Planet Express crew should actually be thanking the homicidal Santa at the end of the episode. If it weren’t for him, they wouldn’t have bonded through fear or gotten to sing a heartwarming rendition of “Santa Claus is Gunning You Down.”

‘Seinfeld’
‘Festivus’
So you hate what the holidays have come to stand for: Christmas music being played in October, consumerism and colorful sweaters. In that case, Festivus is the holiday for you. All you need is an aluminum pole, upper body strength and a strong sense of disappointment in your friends and family. On Dec. 23, invite everyone you love over for dinner, and celebrate with the traditional “airing of the grievances” by informing them how they’ve failed you in the past year. This is followed by “feats of strength,” a wrestling match between the head of household and a person of his or her choosing. Remember, Festivus does not officially end until the head of household is pinned to the ground.

‘Rugrats’
‘A Rugrats Chanukah’
This blast from the past was the most entertaining and informative Chanukah special of our day. Granted, we don’t remember much of what Grandma Minkus told Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil about the Maccabees, but we still remember that this episode was a thing, and that’s more than we can say for any episode of “CatDog.”

‘30 Rock’
‘Christmas Special’
The episode where Liz Lemon got—wait, what’s the past tense of scam? Is it scrumped? The episode where Liz Lemon got scrumped. After being uninvited from her parents’ house for Christmas, Liz puts all of her energy into buying gifts for underprivileged children—only to be scammed by two middle-aged men—only to then go on to ruin the Christmas of their children. And the amazing Elaine Stritch is back as Jack’s mom because he backed into her with his car—and waited eight minutes before calling 911. But after Jack finds out his mother whored herself out to Mr. F.A.O. Schwarz for his childhood presents, they make up and sing a duet at the show’s end. That’s the magic of Christmas, folks.

‘The Office’
‘Benihana Christmas’
Directed by Wash. U.’s own Harold Ramis, this episode of “The Office” is one of the series’ best. After creepily photoshopping his head onto his girlfriend’s ex-husband’s in a family photo, Michael is dumped by Carol right before the office Christmas party. As a pick-me-up, Andy suggests that the boys go to “Asian Hooters” (Benihana), and despite Dwight informing the table how to best kill a goose, Andy and Michael each score waitress dates. Back at the office, party planning politics have come to a head when Pam and Karen team up against Angela and throw competing Christmas parties. Shockingly, the party with the alcohol beats the party with the crafts—but in the spirit of Christmas, Pam offers to merge the two and create one amazing, karaoke-filled holiday party.

Courtesy of 20th Century Fox

“Rocky Horror” is a sci-fi parody rock opera about newlyweds Janet (Susan Sarandon) and Brad (Barry Botswick) who find themselves stranded at the castle of the “sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania,” Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Tim Curry). While castle-bound, Janet and Brad encounter a troupe of dancing Transylvanians, Rocky Horror—the Dr. Frankenstein-esque creation of Dr. Frank-N-Furter—and Meatloaf on a motorcycle. The plot, which includes sex, aliens and rock ‘n’ roll, may require Wikipedia’s assistance to fully understand.

Although the movie itself is entertaining, you haven’t really received the full “Rocky Horror” experience unless you’ve seen it in theaters.

“The costumes, throwing things around the theater, Meatloaf’s music videos and obviously Tim Curry. I love that every time I go, I figure out a new joke —either in the movie or what the audience screams back at the screen,” said senior Hattie Hiler, a six-time “Rocky Horror” veteran.

And don’t worry about being a Rocky Horror virgin. Senior Sam Bova, who won second place in her seventh grade lip sync show with a rendition of the “Time Warp,” attended a screening for the first time last year.

“At many other shows when you are a virgin, you have to do something super embarrassing on stage,” said Bova. “All that happened at the Tivoli was that the audience made a popping sound with their mouths to symbolize your cherry popping.”

“Rocky Horror” is the longest running movie of all time; it has consistently been shown in theaters since its release in 1975. And its fans are dedicated: Actors at The Tivoli perform the movie verbatim during its screenings, and male attendees brave the late-fall weather wearing nothing but gold spandex.

So, whether you want to understand next week’s episode of “Glee,” be in a setting where donning just underwear and a bra is socially acceptable or just spend a hilariously ridiculous (and not necessarily sober) night at the Tivoli, you should head on over to the Loop during one of the next three weekends. Plus, “There is always the chance that you will get to watch your friend receive an unwanted lap dance from a man in a gold speedo,” noted Bova.

What to bring:

Rice, newspapers, water guns, toilet paper, toast, a party hat and a deck of cards. The screen will prompt you when to use them. The Tivoli also sells bags filled with these props for $2.

What to wear:

The bare minimum. Lingerie, fishnet tights and cross dressing are encouraged. And don’t worry, there is no way you will be underdressed for the occasion.

What to shout:

Anything and everything, whenever you want. The two things to remember are that Janet is always a slut, and Brad is always an asshole.

The Tivoli is showing “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” at midnight on Oct. 22 and 23, Oct. 29 and 30, and Nov. 5 and 6. Filmboard is giving away free tickets to the Oct. 29 showing at the Clocktower on Oct. 28 at 5 p.m.

Courtesy of Upright Citizens Brigade

Left to right: Gavin Speiller, Shannon O’Neill, Bobby Moynihan (former cast member, now with Saturday Night Live), Anthony King, Zach Woods, and Eugene Cordero.

The Upright Citizen’s Brigade is based in both New York City and Los Angeles and is one of the top improv theaters in the country—on par with The Second City and the Groundlings.

Unlike the short-form improv (think “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”) that K.A.R.L. will perform for 15 minutes to open the show, UCB’s style is long-form. Their process is more similar to a play in which the characters, settings and themes remain consistent throughout the entire show. Despite their differences in style, “[UBC’s] sense of humor is K.A.R.L.-esque: a little more offbeat,” said senior Michael Greenwald, K.A.R.L. treasurer.

And given UCB’s track record, there’s a good chance a performer you see on Friday night will be famous sometime soon.

K.A.R.L. is also having its annual Dance Marathon fundraising show next Friday—same time, same place. “We make it so easy for people,” Greenwald said.

If you want a sense of K.A.R.L.’s humor, their show, which is raising money for chronically ill children, is called “A Dance Panda-emic: THE FEVER IS SPREADING.”

K.A.R.L. and the UCB Touring Co. will perform Friday for free at 8 p.m. in Brown Hall 100. On Oct. 8, also at 8 p.m., K.A.R.L. will be putting on “A Dance Panda-emic” to raise money for Dance Marathon in Brown 100. Tickets for that show will be $5.

Patrick Ecclesine | FOX

“Glee” returns for its second season this Tuesday and will air on FOX at 7 p.m.

Monday

“Dancing With The Stars” (ABC, Mondays at 7 p.m. and Tuesdays at 8 p.m.)
On what show can you find Sarah Palin’s daughter, Ferris Bueller’s sister and Marcia Brady’s mom? And on that same show also feature David Hasselhoff of “Baywatch,” Audrina Patridge of “the Hills,” and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of “Jersey Shore”? “Dancing with the Stars,” which showcases retired athletes, fallen musicians and perennial c-listers, is in rare form this season. Unlike Season 6’s Cristian de la Fuenta, whose claim to fame entails appearing in six episodes of “CSI: Miami,” or last season’s Ashley Hamilton, who has done literally nothing but remain married to Shannen Doherty for five months, every ‘star’ is recognizable. Starting tonight, you can watch Brandy, Kurt Warner, Michael Bolton and Rick Fox join the aforementioned celebrities as they parade around a parquet floor in an embarrassing attempt to remain relevant in popular culture. —Steph Spera

“The Event” (NBC, 8 p.m.)
TV networks are always searching for the new “Lost.” They’ve done it every year since the show began, and these shows never really materialize past one season. And yet, NBC is up to it again with “The Event,” premiering tonight at 8 p.m. “The Event” centers on some mysterious, well…event, and even though I have seen all the previews, I have no idea what this event could be. All I can glean is that it’s supposed to be epic. The show has a huge scope, focusing on an average, brainy hottie (Jason River), the president of the United States (Blair Underwood), a mystifying Alaskan woman held captive (Laura Innes) and a lot in between. The event will probably turn out to be a vast conspiracy, but who knows? Well, the show does. Unlike “Lost,” “The Event” actually promises to answer the questions it poses. The show is desperate to make people believe that it knows what it’s doing and that it will not struggle to find its path. Tune in tonight for the most ambitious new show in a long time. Hopefully, it will not be lost. —Andie Hutner

“Lone Star” (FOX, 8 p.m.)
The primetime Texan soap is back with a vengeance, although unfortunately, “Lone Star” is not set in Dallas. “Lone Star” centers on Bob, a charming con man who lives a double life: he is both the boyfriend of ingénue Lindsay and the husband of oil heiress Cat. Bob is the perfect anti-hero, one whose life is ruled by conflict. Bob wants to get out of the con world without losing the women he loves, though of course, complications ensue. For one thing, it’s impossible to love two women without conning both of them. Second, Bob’s dad doesn’t want his son to leave the family business. Most importantly, a primetime soap would be nothing without complications! James Wolk shines as Bob, making a traditionally unlikeable character into one we cannot help but love. The story promises to unfold by using its Texas backdrop as a character, and all critical reviewers promise the pilot will be a worthwhile hour. —Andie Hutner

“Hawaii Five-0” (CBS, 9 p.m.)
Though the competition was quite limited, “Hawaii Five-0” wins a very prestigious award: Best Excuse to Keep a “Lost” Cast Member (Daniel Dae Kim, who played Jin) in Hawaii. However, that’s not the only hype this new remake is getting. “Hawaii Five-0” is supposed to be one of the most fantastic new shows of the season, as it blends traditional cop storylines with ongoing emotional character plots. Oh, and it’s set in one of the most beautiful places in the world. The show stars Alex O’Loughlin as Steve McGarrett, head of a Hawaiian crime force. The supporting cast includes Scott Caan, as Steve’s partner and friend Danno, as well as the aforementioned Kim as a former cop and Grace Park as the sexy rookie. The cast is rumored to have incredible chemistry, and tonight’s pilot episode will definitely prove whether or not that’s accurate. The new “Hawaii Five-0” holds true to the 1970s series it was based on, while changing just enough to feel fresh and modern. —Andie Hutner

Tuesday

“Glee” (FOX, 7 p.m.)
Last season, “Glee” captured audiences with stunning numbers, quirky characters and amusing story lines. Although the show was sometimes hamstrung by mediocre writing, audiences found the tongue-in-cheek nature of the show charming. But what really blew everyone out of the water were amazing vocals by the likes of Matthew Morrison, Lea Michele and Amber Riley. “Glee” is the first successful musical television series, and self-proclaimed Gleeks anxiously await tomorrow night. Last season, “Glee” ended after a disappointing, albeit expected loss at Regionals. Rachel and Finn got back together, Quinn had her baby and Sue Sylvester saved New Directions from being disbanded. This season, audiences can look forward to a slew of rivalries: Quinn vs. Santana as they fight for the title of Queen Bee at McKinley High; Rachel vs. Sunshine, Rachel’s new vocal nemesis; Sue vs. the new female football coach; Coah Beiste and Will vs. Carl Howell as they fight for Emma’s heart. Some noteworthy song highlights include “Empire State of Mind,” “Billionaire,” “Time Warp,” and “…Baby One More Time,” with guest appearances from Britney Spears, John Stamos, Susan Boyle and Cheyenne Jackson. This season is sure to enchant viewers with the incredible talent that is coming to the show. —Kara Gordon

“Running Wilde” (FOX, 8:30 p.m.)
Welcome back, Mitch Hurwitz. It’s been too long. Of course, a year ago we all thought you were back with “Sit Down, Shut Up,” which ended up failing miserably. But this is different. I’ve got a good feeling about it this time. Is that because you’re back with the dream team that made “Arrested Development” (Hurwitz, co-creator Jim Vallely and directors Anthony and Joe Russo)? Well, that certainly factors in. Or perhaps it’s Will Arnett and Kerri Russell’s returns to TV that have got the good vibes flowing? It’s hard to say. Whatever the reason may be, this surreal show just feels like it has a lot going for it. So, it’s okay, Mitch. Put down your “Arrested Development Movie” script for three months and see what you can do with “Running Wilde.” —Percy Olsen

Wednesday

“Modern Family” (ABC, 8 p.m.)
What’s amazing about ABC’s Emmy Award-winning “Modern Family” is that it was immediately great. Last year, the mockumenatry-style sitcom filled a void in television world: it breathed new life into the family sitcom. The show follows the lives of Jay Pritchett and his grown children Mitchell and Claire. In its pilot, Mitchell and his partner Cameron have just adopted an adorable Vietnamese baby, Lily; Jay has recently married the beautiful Gloria, who is half his age and comes with a nine-year-old son, Manny; and Phil and Claire try to control their three children: teenager Haley, brainiac Alex and typical 10-year-old Luke. The plot of “Modern Family” revolves around relatable family activities like birthday parties, soccer games and family pictures and manages to maintain the balance between laugh-out-loud hilarity and emotional depth. And the show has the capacity to teach its viewers essential life lessons. Take Phil’s response to his daughter’s question about what Jägermeister is: “You know how in a fairy tale, there’s always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don’t wake up in a castle—you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.” Wise words, Phil Dunphy. Wise, wise words. —Steph Spera

Thursday

“Community” (NBC, 7 p.m.)
Although it did not provide the most consistent comedy in its first season, when “Community” got it right, it really got it right. “Community” revolves around a Spanish study group at the subpar Greendale Community College, home of the politically friendly mascot, the Human Beings. Headed by Joel McHale of “The Soup” and supported by a strong cast including Allison Brie (Trudy on “Mad Men”) and Chevy Chase, “Community” has the potential to become a sitcom on par with “Friends” and “The Office.” The chemistry between Donald Glover and Dani Pudi is fantastic—their 30-second spots that roll during the show’s final credits are so hilarious you don’t mind sitting through the 30-second Hulu commercials that precede them. The show’s “Goodfellas” parody, in which Joel and the gang took control of a chicken finger operation, was one of the greatest television sitcom episodes of last season. And, if those aren’t enough reasons to give “Community” a chance, their season premiere features the justifiably glorified Betty White as their new anthropology teacher. —Steph Spera

“The Big Bang Theory” (CBS, 7 p.m.)
In the fourth season of “The Big Bang Theory,” our four geniuses and comic book enthusiasts are back along with the endearing but oh so intellectually average Penny. The boys will dish out science jokes your physics teachers desperately wish they could have come up with (Bazinga!). There could be a side of romance to sweeten up the quick one-liners. Viewers can anticipate some tension between Leonard and Penny. Last we saw the show, she tried to move on to dreamier and dumber men before ending her night with Leonard in one last drunken, romantic encounter. But if romance isn’t in the cards for them, perhaps it is for neurotic Sheldon, who Koothrappali found a match for on an online dating service. Look for “The Big Bang Theory” on Thursday at 7 p.m. on CBS and prepare yourself for another season of comedic nerds. —Kathleen Heist

“30 Rock” (NBC, Thursdays 7:30 p.m.)
Have we really made it to season five? I ask, because whenever I finish a “30 Rock” season finale, I can’t shake the feeling that the critically-acclaimed, yet ratings-challenged show has breathed its last breath. And yet every year, for four years now, “30 Rock” returns from its summer break as alive and engaging as ever. Where did the latest finale leave us? Well, Kenneth got fired, Jack chose Avery (sorry, Nancy), Floyd got married, Cerie got married, and Liz almost married Wesley Snipes (no, not that Wesley Snipes) before meeting guest-star Matt Damon, who played astronaut Mike Dexter—er, I mean, airline pilot Carol. Eh, close enough, Liz. The premiere has a lot to reconcile, but if any show can do it, “30 Rock” can. —Percy Olsen

“The Office” (NBC, Thursdays 8 p.m.)
As you undoubtedly know by now, this will be Steve Carell’s last season on “The Office.” It’s all anyone wants to talk about. Who will replace Michael? How will they continue the show without him? Why could they continue the show without him? Michael Scott is the show’s engine. What would “The Office” even be without Michael? But as the season premiere draws near, forget about your worries and remember that the only reason next season frightens you so much is that the previous six have been phenomenal. Don’t turn season seven into a deathwatch. Think of it as a final hurrah. —Percy Olsen

“Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC, 8 p.m.)
Last season’s finale of “Grey’s Anatomy” left the hospital (and audiences) shocked by a shooting rampage with a body count reminiscent of a “CSI” episode. As a result, the seventh season’s tagline is “Let the healing begin.” This season’s premiere will feature the doctors’ attempts to recover from this trauma. Meredith and Derek will deal with both her miscarriage and his speeding ticket. Two other doctors will be pushed together by the tragedy. Callie and Arizona will try to work out their disagreement over children, though with new complications. Bailey’s search for love and balance in her life will continue without her season six beau. Look for one of the love triangles to continue and for another to be put to rest permanently. And to top it all off, a signature couple will tie the knot. Showrunner Shonda Rhimes promises a better “Grey’s” than ever. This season will feature a “Private Practice” crossover in the third episode, and a new character will be brought in to help the doctors deal with the aftermath of the bloodbath. The sixth season finale showed glimpses of the quality “Grey’s” had achieved earlier in the show’s run, and hopefully it can climb back to those heights. —Georgie Morvis

“$#*! My Dad Says” (CBS, 8:30 p.m.)
Yes, CBS’s new comedy “$#*! My Dad Says” stars William Shatner, and yes, the Twitter account on which it is based has over 1,500,000 followers, but…wait, what? CBS green-lighted a sitcom based on a Twitter account? The inspiration for the new show is the account of one Justin Halpern, a twenty-something who has had to move back in with his parents, including his angry old dad. It’s hard to see this becoming anything more than 22 minutes of hateful one-liners, but for TJ Hooker, we’ll give it a shot. The Twitter insults are pretty searing and funny, but they’re also salty. The last quote without some kind of profanity in it was posted on June 17th. If CBS can’t even bring themselves to call the show by its real name, we feel justified in our worry that they’ll bowdlerize the whole series, and there’s little worse than castrated blue comedy. —Steve Hardy