The Little Dildo That Could stood on the steps outside his old apartment, holding only a book, a condom and a Metro pass. After training with his old owner, he was now ready to take on the world alone. “I’m prepared for anything!” he thought. “The world is my oyster!” But then the Little Dildo had a startling realization. He needed a way to earn money. “I’ll just get a job,” he proclaimed. “I mean, really, how hard can a job be?”

Two

The Little Dildo soon found a job working as an assistant to a pastry chef. Kneading dough was easy enough, but eventually, the Little Dildo found himself in a sticky situation. “Maybe this just isn’t the right kind of job for you,” the head chef advised as he escorted the Little Dildo out the door.

Three

The Little Dildo tried out lots of different jobs, but he could never quite find his rhythm. For example, the Little Dildo tried to be a sex educator, but he offended some parents and got caught up in vicious PTA politics. The Little Dildo also tried to become a pilot, but he was deemed unqualified when the doctors were unable to examine his eyesight. After a brief stage of wanting to be a musician, the Little Dildo was all but ready to give up.

Four

Though the Little Dildo had failed as a professional musician, he did make an important connection by befriending Siegfried and Roy on his quest for fame. After a few weeks of wallowing, the Little Dildo swallowed his pride and e-mailed the duo his resume and cover letter. “I’m up for anything,” he told them. Soon they replied—they only had one job open: lion tamer. The Little Dildo was a little nervous, but he was already desperate. “I’ll take it!” he told them, and he hopped on the first plane to Vegas.

Five

The Little Dildo turned out to be a great fit for the job. He was agile and brave enough to go where no man had gone before. He taught the lions to do all sorts of tricks, like jumping through rings, which never failed to pleasure the crowd. Soon, Siegfried and Roy called him into their office and asked him to be the head trainer, an offer he happily embraced. As he left their office, he thought to himself, “I’m the best in the world! Nothing can stop my ascent to fame!”

Six

But it turned out the Little Dildo was wrong. He had gotten too cocky and had failed to pay proper attention to details. One day, he was running late, so he didn’t put on the safety gear he was supposed to use when in the lion cage. As he entered, the Little Dildo moved too quickly and startled one of the lions, who mauled him. A few days later, he woke up in the hospital in a full body cast. Next to him on the table was a note from Siegfried and Roy. It said, “Dear Little Dildo, the doctors said you’ll be OK, but it will take you a few weeks to heal. Whenever you are feeling up to it, you can have your job back. Just remember, don’t get too cocky. Even if you’re in a hurry and having fun, always use protection!” After a few weeks, the Little Dildo went back to his job, always remembered to use protection, and lived happily ever after. THE END.