Schmooze
High speed chase tears across campus
Sophomore Aarthi Arunachalam was pulled over by the Washington University Police after a 45 minute chase that started in the Lien parking lot. She had been going a dangerous 12mph until her scooter ran out of batteries in front of Graham Chapel.
Squirrel mauls hawk
Students were terrified as they witnessed a squirrel brutally attack an innocent hawk on campus recently. The hawk plans to sue, and the squirrel refuses to comment.
Moinester clubs baby seal
The Student Union President, junior Paul Moinester, attacked an innocent seal in a burst of anger, said sources close to the seal.
Dean Sansalone cuts own position
In the latest move to a series of sweeping changes to the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences, Dean of Engineering and Applied Sciences Mary Sansalone mistakenly eliminated the position of Dean of Engineering and Applied Sciences on Friday, reported sources from the University.
Libraries institute new restroom fee
Washington University Libraries will institute Restroom fees beginning this May. The libraries expect the new pay-per-poop policy to reduce the enormous volume of sewage produced by the University library community. During the fall semester, the University spent over $2 million on dumping 137,000 metric tons of library sewage into the Missouri River.
Construction under construction
Clear out the crane – here comes the wrecking ball. The new underground garage currently under construction on main campus will be demolished Monday to make room for a new project. Though details were unavailable at time of press, anonymous administrator Janet Grover confirmed that the University is calling the project a “Subterranean Parking Facility.”
Officer Spoons ‘n’ Fruit arrests Center Court thieves
It was a just another day at Center Court – yesterday’s meat loaf had become today’s chili surprise, and all was well. But in a blinding flash, everything changed.
Security Officer Spoons ‘n’ Fruit leapt into action, streaking past the buffets to blindside a couple of would-be fruit thieves.
TKE ‘Super Smash Brothers’ party gone wild
In what was originally billed as a “Super Smash Brothers Party,” a Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) video game party was broken up by WUPD officers at 2:30 a.m. early Saturday morning when they received reports of loud and excessive noise coming from the usually dormant building.
Prof discovers homosexual unicorns amidst fossil remains of Noah’s Ark
Paleontology professor Harvey Whitehead announced yesterday that he has discovered animal fossils that he believes came from Noah’s Ark. He found a valley in the Turkish mountains that contained remains of every documented animal species, plus one extinct species.
Bert and Ernie to address Class of 2007
Quincy Bertram Huffington and Ernesto Beltrinez, stars of the hit television show “Sesame Street,” will address the Class of 2007 at their commencement on May 18, 2007.
Better known as Bert and Ernie, the duo will be making their first public appearance after their tell-all book “Sesame Seedy: Sex, Drugs, and PBS” hits bookshelves.