Led by senior Eddy Hoering’s 3-for-5 and two RBI performances, as well as a stellar showing on the mound by sophomore Brian Williams, the Red and Green were able to beat some heavy odds against them going into the game.

“We knew that Illinois Wesleyan had a 15-game win streak and they were undefeated at home so we knew it would be tough,” said Senior Captain David Kramer. “Even though we lost our three in a row, our last game against Emory was a real character builder, even though we lost in extra innings. It was a positive loss, so going into the game against IU we were confident and came out fast.”

In the top of the first inning the Bears jumped out to an early lead. Hoering knocked in sophomore Zander Lehmann from third base with a two-out shot to left field. Senior captain Arden Farhi followed with an RBI double to left, giving the Bears an early 2-0 lead.

The Bears added another run in the second on a Lehmann sacrifice fly RBI, scoring junior Dave Working.

After a Titans run in the fourth the score remained knotted at 3-1 until the Bears scored two additional insurance runs in the top of the ninth to take a 5-1 lead. Again Lehmann and Hoering came through for the Red and Green, each adding RBIs for the Bears to lengthen the lead to 5-1.

Williams closed out his complete game with a one-hit ninth, giving him a team-leading ninth victory of the season. He allowed eight hits, one earned run and struck out three in his showing on Thursday.

“Brian Williams threw another great game for us, a big reason we were able to come out on top,” said Kramer, who went 3-for-4 in the game and is batting .351 with a team-high 12 stolen bases.

Williams is 9-2 on the season and leads the team in innings pitched (84.1), ERA (2.88) and strikeouts (77). Hoering is batting .355 on the season with a team-best 38 RBI.

For now, the future is looking bright for the Bears, who are looking at their last 10 games with enthusiasm and excitement for the postseason.

“We have about 10 games left, and are confident that we can win out the rest of the season,” said Kramer. “We haven’t peaked yet, but we’re definitely almost there, which at the end of the season we need to be best. Usually the magic number is 30 wins and in order to do that we must win our next six out of seven games. Thirty wins usually gives us automatic bid and being ranked tenth last week will help us out with getting a bid.”

The Bears (24-8, 3-3 UAA) face off against Westminster College at home on Tuesday. First pitch is set for 2 p.m.

Being deaf isn’t easy. Neither is winning a gold medal for Team USA Hockey in the 2007 Winter Deaflympics, the international Olympic Games for the deaf and hearing-impaired.

Doug Hyde knows all about both.

The current Wash. U. sophomore was selected to represent the United States in this year’s 16th Games, held in Salt Lake City, Utah, and came away with a gold medal victory.

The 19-year-old computer science major from Alexandria, Va. appears to be like any normal college sophomore. But Hyde is legally deaf and must overcome daily struggles that many students never experience.

Growing up with Hearing Loss
“My parents discovered my hearing loss before my third birthday,” Hyde explained. “My hearing loss grew slowly throughout my childhood, but when I was 16, I quickly lost the remaining hearing in my right ear.”

Thereafter, Hyde decided to get a cochlear implant, a small, complex electronic device that can help to provide a sense of sound to a person who is profoundly deaf or severely hard-of-hearing. Hyde, who considers the decision to be perhaps the best he’s ever made, continues to wear a hearing aid on his left ear. The combination of the cochlear implant and hearing aid has enabled him to have near-normal hearing and has allowed him the ability to communicate without the use of sign language.

Although his hearing has not hindered his ability to make friends and actively take part in activities such as the club ice and roller hockey teams, he has had to work extra hard in order to lead a normal life. With years of practice, though, he has perfected his form.

“The only real difference is I have to listen and focus on the speaker much more to hear everything they say. It’s like the difference between glancing and squinting, but it works for me,” said Hyde.

“I also read lips and subconsciously fill in the blanks for words and syllables I miss. In ideal situations, most people don’t notice my hearing loss, but in large groups and noisy environments, I sometimes struggle.”

Additionally, Hyde has had a lifetime to deal with the misconceptions that people attribute to the hearing-impaired.

“People often err towards the extremes of assuming either that my hearing aids make my hearing perfect, or that they need to talk really slow and loud,” he said. “If people know that I can read lips, they may exaggerate the mouth expressions, which makes it harder to read because it is awkward and unnatural.”

Nevertheless, because of all of this, Hyde has learned to relish the relationships he has gained with his parents, friends and peers.

“I don’t think my hearing loss affects my relationships with friends and classmates, but occasionally people are too lazy to repeat things when I don’t hear something, but they’re not worth my time either.”

The people that matter to Hyde the most are the people who see past his hearing impairment and accept him for who he is: a fun-loving kid who enjoys hockey, snowboarding, mountain biking and backpacking.

From the Peewee Leagues to the Olympics
Hyde’s illustrious hockey career began when he was just 6-years-old. A self-described “physical but usually clean defensemen,” he has been playing with travel teams for the last decade, the pinnacle of which was realized upon his selection to the 2007 Winter Deaflympics United States hockey team.

“I saw pictures of the 1995 gold-medal-winning [United States] hockey team and was in awe, and it’s been something I’ve wanted to do since then,” he said.

Upon arrival in Colorado Springs, Colo., in mid-January to train at the United States Olympic Training facility, he quickly learned the dynamics of what Deaflympic hockey is all about.

“About half the team has a hearing loss similar to mine, where they can hear well enough to communicate with speech, while the other half is deaf and signs,” he explained. “In the beginning, the team was a little divided, but with some effort we can express what we’re trying to say because almost everyone can read lips very well.”

But the fast pace of the sport often precludes the need for verbal communication, even among hearing players. In practices, however, there are interpreters on hand, so that the players who are accustomed to using sign language are able to understand the coaches. Games are a different story. “In games we rely on our vision and understanding of the game to anticipate and find teammates,” said Hyde.

Coming to Salt Lake for the Games from Feb. 1-10, which featured over 600 athletes representing 23 countries from around the world, Hyde and Team USA were determined to win the gold. The team had taken the silver medal in 1999 and the bronze in 2005. In 2007, the squad was intent on capturing gold.

“We had the most talented team the United States has ever had and the coaches gave us the most extensive training camp and conditioning program we’ve ever had. We were there to win,” said Hyde. Initially, though, things didn’t go according to plan. The stars and stripes were defeated by Russia in their first game, 9-6.

Nevertheless, Team USA did not waver, rebounding from the disappointment to go on and win every game they played during the rest of the tournament, including a stellar comeback win against the defending gold medalists from Canada.

Down 3-0 halfway through its game with the Canadians, the team realized that their medal hopes were on the line. Losing would give them two losses, which would not be able to match up against the rest of the competition from Russia, Germany, Finland and Sweden.

“We took our game to the next level and played from the heart. We took brutal hits for the team, delivered rib-cracking checks, blocked slap shots with unpadded and exposed skin to get the job done,” Hyde recalled.

The team scored two unanswered goals in the second half of the second period to pull within one and take the momentum into the third period. After quickly tying the game early in the third, both teams fought for their Olympic lives until the red, white, and blue came out on top 4-3 after an exciting game-winning goal with five minutes remaining.

“It was definitely the highlight of my experience, and it was one of the five or so most fun games I’ve ever played in my life,” Hyde said. Following the upset of Canada, the team defeated both Finland and Germany, all but ensuring the gold.

Hyde left Salt Lake with a gold medal, memories, and an experience he’ll never forget. The Deaflympics now behind him, Hyde plans to take the memories gained from his experience with him to Australia, where he is currently studying abroad, and back to St. Louis when he returns in the fall.

Dan Cardone, Senior
Football
Following the loss of star receiver Brad Duesing to graduation last spring, Cardone has picked up the slack in the Bears’ receiving corps. In a 61-0 pounding of Westminster College on Saturday night, Cardone hauled in 101 yards on four receptions and a touchdown score. Cardone and senior QB Pat McCarthy hooked up for a 64-yard touchdown on the very first play of the first quarter. After two games of the season Cardone leads the team with 133 yards, averaging 22.2 yards per play and 66.5 per game.

Whitney Smith, Senior
Volleyball
Smith led the then-No. 5 ranked Bears to victory in the Wash. U. National Invitational as she tallied up a total of 23 kills on an average hitting percentage of .539, while also racking up nine blocks on Saturday, Sept. 9. The middle hitter stepped up her play in the Championship game against No. 2 Wittenberg University, as she supplied 14 kills, 23 TA and five blocks in the 3-0 shutout win. Following the win, the Red-and-Green overtook the No. 2 national ranking from Wittenberg.

Lauren Mehner, Sophomore
Soccer
In her first game of the season, Mehner notched two goals in the 5-1 win over Webster University on Wednesday. Junior goalkeeper Carrie Sear kept the game knotted at 0-0 until Mehner attacked in the 41st minute off a rebound. Thirty-five seconds later she scored again off a cross from Caryn Rosoff for the eventual game-winner. The two goals were Mehner’s second and third of her career, respectively, and gave her the team lead in goals (2) and points (4).

Not many Washington University students can say that they spent their summer vacation winning $19,000 at the World Series of Poker. Jonathan Diamond, who graduated in 2005 with a B.S. in Political Science and Psychology, can honestly say that he did.

The Pittsburgh native had done something that he would have never imagined was possible just a few short years ago.

A member of the Sigma Alpha Mu (commonly referred to as Sammy) fraternity while at the University, Diamond, known by many simply as the ‘Boneman,’ enjoyed his time on the former hilltop campus, appreciating the many different aspects of campus life that helped round him and give him a quality education that he has yet to actually use.

“I wasn’t the best student but I had a great overall experience at Wash. U.,” he said. “I hope that someday I will actually use everything I learned, but for right now I’m just enjoying playing poker.”

His foray into poker didn’t start until relatively recently, and in that time Diamond has proven that he has what it takes to make a name for himself.

“I didn’t start playing poker until I was 21, during my junior year,” said Diamond. “It was a pretty typical story. I just started playing with some of my friends, found out that I liked it and that I was pretty good. Naturally I moved into playing online rather than just with my friends.”

By senior year Diamond began taking his poker playing and skill to a whole new level.

“At first poker was just a means for me to make a little extra spending money,” he said. “I never thought it would ever be anything I would do full-time. As senior year went on, though, I was playing really well and I played more and more. I was only averaging about 15 hours of online play a week, but it was enough for me to cover some big expenses, like paying for my spring break trip.”

Predominantly an online No-Limit Texas Hold’em player, Diamond decided to test the waters of the biggest stage in the poker world as he attempted to qualify for the World Series of Poker (WSOP) in Las Vegas.

In order to earn a seat at the prized event Diamond had to win a Qualifier Tournament on the PokerStars website he uses.

After spending $2,000 trying to qualify, playing in eight tournaments along the way, Diamond earned his seat to sit with the greatest in the world at the Main Event.

PokerStars made sure he was well received in his debut appearance. After covering the cost of the $10,000 buy-in, as well as supplying him with a free nine-day hotel stay, he was off to Las Vegas to see where his talent and ability would get him.

“It was such a great experience,” he said. “I actually went out to Vegas about a month early to get comfortable with the scene. I never played in a live tournament before so I was a little nervous at first, but after I won about $3,000 in a tournament at Caesar’s Palace on my second day in Vegas, I got a lot more confident.”

“It was an awesome life,” he said. “My best friend lived out there so I stayed with him. I would go to the casinos and play some poker – maybe I’d win some money, maybe I wouldn’t. Either way, it was just a lot of fun. I’d party with my friends out by the pool and just live the life. I wouldn’t want to do it forever, but for a summer vacation, it was pretty sweet. Not many people can do that.”

By the time the actual WSOP event came around, Diamond had a cheering section of about 10 of his best friends who flew out to support him and he was feeling pretty confident in his ability.

After the first day of play he turned his starting $10,000 into $64,000, securing his position in the top 150 or 200 out of the staggering 8800 players in the field. On Day Two he upped his chip count to a little over $75,000. Then, disaster struck.

After a couple of unfavorable hands, Diamond was down to a measly 1100 chips, hardly enough to play a hand.

But lady luck, along with skill, was on his side, as he was able to double up a couple of times on critical “all-in” hands to allow him to move on to Day Three.

“The third day was crazy,” Diamond said. “Of the original 8,800 [players] there were only 1,100 left, so I knew it would be tough.

Diamond was struggling, but played a particular hand well and was able to get back in contention. Playing against a notoriously conservative opponent who Diamond had competed with the day before, the University grad was dealt a 7-2 off-suit, a famously atrocious hand.

“After I got my hand I looked at it and saw 7-2 off -suit, the worst starting hand there is,” he said. “Still, I told myself I was going to push him and so I went all-in with my 7-2 off. The guy looks down at his cards, looks up at me, then back down at his cards. Finally, he calls,” said Diamond.

His opponent flipped over an Ace-Queen combination at which point Diamond recalls thinking that his chances were shot.

“I thought I was done,” he said. “I flipped over my cards and the 10 or so friends that were there cheering me on, just went crazy. They yelled ‘Hammer!’ [nickname for 7-2], and everyone was just wondering what the hell I was doing. I got really lucky and hit a 2, giving me the better hand. I doubled up and continued to play really well.”

When Diamond finally made his exit late on the third afternoon, he walked away in 643rd place out of 8,800 with a respectable $19,050 in his pocket and the knowledge that he played – and played well – with some of the best poker players in the world.

For now, Diamond is enjoying the freedom that comes with the territory of being a full-time poker player.

“It’s a pretty good life,” he said. “I guess I’m not quite yet ready to face the real world, so in the meantime I get to sleep as long as I want, play according to my own schedule, and travel a lot. I’m probably making more than I would at your traditional entry-level job and just get to do a lot of things that most other people right out of college can’t do.”

As expected, his parents aren’t terribly thrilled by the path that he has taken since he left Clayton, but they respect the fact that he is supporting himself and making his own money.

According to Diamond, as long as he and his two sisters are able to support themselves and be happy, that’s all that matters to his parents.

Still, Diamond doesn’t see poker fitting into his long-term plans.

“I don’t want to play poker my whole life,” he said. “While it’s nice now, I don’t think it’s the type of thing I want to do forever. I’m not the kind of guy who likes sitting around all day, and sometimes [poker] does get a little old and boring. In Vegas I met a couple of pros who have been playing for decades and honestly it was a little depressing seeing how their lives are completely dictated by the highs and lows of poker.”

Diamond says that eventually he would like to settle down and start his own business.

For now, though, the former ‘Sammy’ brother is enjoying his lucrative life as a poker player.

He might have just left the steps of Brookings a little over a year ago, but Diamond has already made a name for himself.

In 1946, the University enacted a policy that was, at the time, completely unheard of in the world of collegiate athletics. It was in that year that Chancellor Arthur Holly Compton adopted a policy whereby no athletes would receive financial assistance in the form of scholarships or grants based solely on athletic ability. Prior to World War II, male student-athletes received specialized financial assistance for their participation in intercollegiate athletics, similar to what many Division I athletes receive today. This would eventually become the basis of all schools which competed in Division III athletics under the auspices of the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA).

“We honor and cherish the history, traditions and achievements of Washington University athletics,” said current Athletic Director John Schael. “Former athletes and coaches alike were talented and displayed intelligence and vision. Champions on and off the field, they laid the foundation for others to follow in their footsteps.”

As for women, the earliest documented female varsity team played in 1909. The yearbook indicated that due to the lack of competitors on the collegiate level this team competed against various high school teams.

By 1950, women’s athletics had become such a vital part of campus life that 70 percent of the female students were members. However, for an unknown reason, the women’s intercollegiate athletic program was disbanded following the 1955 season and didn’t return for 20 years. In 1975, intercollegiate athletic programming was revived with the re-introduction of swimming, tennis and volleyball varsity teams for women. In 1977, track was added on the varsity level and basketball began in club form. By 1980, all coaches for women’s sports were employed full time by Washington University. Throughout its history, the women’s athletic program has offered the female student the opportunity to participate on different competitive levels ranging from club to intramural to varsity.

Since the mid-1970s, the Bears have competed as a member of the NCAA Division III. The University became a founding member of the University Athletic Association (UAA) in June 1986, when it joined seven other leading independent research universities (Carnegie Mellon University, Case Western Reserve University, University of Chicago, Emory University, Johns Hopkins University, New York University, and University of Rochester) to compete in intercollegiate athletics at the varsity level for men and women. Brandeis University was accepted to the Association in the fall of 1987 and has been an active member since. Johns Hopkins left the UAA after the 2000-2001 school year.

“The student-athletes and coaches today, like their predecessors, are spirited, dedicated and determined to succeed,” said Schael. “Their needs are not that different from those of past generations. The success factors to achieve athletic excellence that have been part of our past history are remarkably the same for our current sports programs.”

The UAA and Division III>

Undoubtedly, the Division III level is quite different from that of major Division I universities. “In the fall of 2002 a research firm conducted focus groups to determine awareness of Washington’s successful athletics programs,” explained Schael. “One question asked, ‘How are Washington’s student-athletes perceived on campus?’ The response: ‘just like us, they take the same classes, have the same majors, are admitted on the same standards, receive the same financial packaging, graduate with their class, belong to the same organizations and share all aspects of campus life. Washington’s Division III athletics program is unique because there are no distinguishing differences between student-athletes and non-athletes.”

The eight current UAA schools compete in a single round-robin format for football (though only three member schools send teams to the gridiron), men’s and women’s soccer, and a double round-robin format in men’s and women’s basketball. For all other sports, the schools schedule league tournaments or championships at one of the eight UAA campuses, save for softball and baseball which hold unofficial league tournaments during spring break.

One of the most unusual aspects of the UAA is the geographic locations of the eight institutions. To reach the Bears’ farthest opponent, Brandeis University, the team must travel 1,141 miles from St. Louis to Waltham, Mass., and the closest opponent, the University of Chicago, is 289 miles away. With these distances, the UAA is the most geographically expansive athletic league in NCAA Division III.

“Association members exist within a cooperative atmosphere..The conference members are a cohesive group who work together within a spirit of cooperation, understanding and mutual respect..The tie that binds is the idea that the UAA exists for the benefit of student-athletes. We have not wavered on that belief,” explained Schael.

Year in and year out various teams of the UAA are nationally ranked and are competing for National Championships. As a highly competitive conference, every game against a rival UAA opponent is a crucial one for all University teams. Despite this, the Bears’ current fiercest foe is generally considered to be the Emory University Eagles. In recent years, the Atlanta school has competed with the Bears for the National Championship in a number of sports, including swimming and diving, volleyball, and tennis.

Bear SportsToday

Today, Washington University boasts one of the most successful programs in all of Division III athletics. Frequently contending for national championships in various sports, the University has displayed its prowess athletically in addition to its well-known academic success. The success of the athletic program continues to grow and many capital improvement projects have been taken up in recent years.

“We keep making progress with facility enhancements with the most recent being an artificial turf on Francis Field, press boxes for baseball and softball and on the horizon, new tennis courts,” said Schael.

Easily the team with the greatest success has been the women’s volleyball team. Along with a Division III-record eight national championships and 17 of 19 University Athletic Association titles (including 16 straight titles), the squad boasts an all-time record of 66-12 in NCAA Tournament play. The Bears’ 66 wins rank as the second most in D-III history behind Juniata College. Last season, the Lady Bears were the unanimous No. 1 ranked team in the nation for much of their fall campaign, posting a perfect 33-0 record heading into its final game of the regular season against UAA rival Emory. Despite holding an 11-0 record in conference play, the Bears lost to Emory in their final game of the season, dropping to the No. 3 ranking in the nation and losing the UAA title for the first time in seven years.

However, the women’s softball team is making a run at the volleyball team’s glory. In just seven seasons as a varsity program, the Washington University softball team has had a number of successes. Former head coach Cindy Zelinsky posted a 178-68 (.724) overall record, as the team made four NCAA Tournament appearances, and won three University Athletic Association (UAA) championships in her six years with the Bears.

The most notable highlight in the softball program’s short history was the team’s 2005 season when the squad posted a 47-3 final record. Heading into postseason play, the Bears were the No. 1 ranked team in the nation, but lost in the Midwest Regional final, slipping to No. 7 in the final national rankings. Last season, in her first season as head coach, Leticia Pineda-Boutt‚ led the Bears to a 37-7 regular season record (8-0 UAA) and a solid showing in the Midwest Regional tournament.

For the men of the football gridiron, the 1990s marked the best decade in team history (66-35) since the inception of the program in 1890. It saw the Bears post the second-highest winning percentage among four-year football playing schools in Missouri. Over that 10-year stretch, the Bears won 65 percent of its games, produced 14 All-Americans, won six University Athletic Association titles, and had eight players named UAA Player of the Year (three offense, four defense). Last season the Bears finished the season, following a tough schedule, with a 6-4 final record, while posting a 2-1 mark in UAA play.

The 2005 campaign was a season to remember for senior wide receiver Brad Duesing. The Cincinnati, Ohio product had a school-record 75 catches for 1,136 yards and 10 touchdowns. He became the second player in NCAA (Division I, II and III) history to record four consecutive 1,000-yard receiving seasons.

Each and every team boasts its own uniqueness and quality of play that one will not find at many other Division III institutions. The women’s soccer, men’s tennis, men’s and women’s cross country and indoor track, men’s and women’s basketball, and men’s swimming are of particular promise in the upcoming year. All have come off of winning and successful seasons, and should prove to impress the Wash. U. faithful in the next year.

“We have an atmosphere where great things can and do happen,” said Schael. “As in past years you will find your Bears to be talented and setting a goal to be the best they can be. With that being said, my crystal ball says that your Bears will be very competitive and will enjoy success during the 2006-07 sports year.”

Historical and statistical information gathered and compiled via bearsports.wustl.edu.

Junior Christie Norrick was rushed to Barnes-Jewish Hospital Tuesday after cracking her skull during the construction of the Pi Beta Phi/Theta Xi fa‡ade for the Thurtene Carnival.

“It was really painful,” said Norrick. “I had a cracked head and I am real bruised up now, but I’m doing okay.”

Norrick and a member of Theta Xi fraternity were standing on a two-story high balcony when an unidentified person moving an object stepped backwards into the beam that supported the unfinished balcony. As the beam broke, Norrick fell and hit her head on the parking lot cement in front of Brookings Hall. The other student working with Norrick managed to grab on to another beam against the wall of the fa‡ade to prevent falling.

“When she fell EST was on-site immediately,” said Thurtene Public Relations Director Felipe Macia, a junior. “There were lots of people there helping and lots of support from everyone. She never got dizzy or lost consciousness. She was a perfect patient.”

Norrick was taken to Barnes-Jewish Hospital where she was treated for a cracked skull and bruising. She was released soon after and is still recovering from her injury.

Despite the accident, Norrick has not missed class or time at the Lot.

“I’m only taking one academic class as well as studio, and all my professors are really understanding,” said Norrick. “I have still been working at the Lot and I’m still going to help out-I’m just not going to do anything involving climbing.”

In response to the accident and raised safety concerns on the Lot, Macia and the rest of the Thurtene committee have taken the necessary steps to ensure that another accident does not occur.

“We have safety rules and regulations in place for a reason, so when people are not following them, accidents happen,” said Macia.

“That’s why we continue to push those building to follow these rules at all times. We contacted all the Overalls and cautioned them to be extra careful for the rest of the week.”

The Overalls-individuals chosen from within the respective fraternity or sorority that are responsible for coordinating the planning of Thurtene-oversee the construction and building of their respective fa‡ades.

“Thurtene is a great community event, but we don’t want this to put a damper on Thurtene. This stuff happens,” said Macia.

Thurtene will take place on Saturday and Sunday from 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. in front of Brookings Hall.

As senior captain George Hughes-Strange leaped over a University of Arkansas defender on Sunday, April 9, to pull down the winning touchdown catch, it only meant one thing for the men’s club Ultimate Frisbee team: a 2006 Sectionals Championship. For the first time since 2002, the 34th-ranked team in the nation (out of 392 teams) walked away from the Ozark Sectional Championships in Fayetteville, Ark., with a win, upending perennial powerhouses Kansas University and the University of Arkansas.

“We were absolutely pumped with the Sectionals win,” said junior Stan Parker. “To go in there and take it home is huge, especially heading into Regionals.”

The Sectional Championships are the first of a three-part series of tournaments leading to the National Championships, whereby each team plays against other teams in their given Section, then the top six teams in the Section compete in the Regional Championships, and the top two teams of Regionals are invited to the National Championships. The Contrabears, as they are called, belong to the Ozark Section and South Region.

“When we’re playing against Division I schools like Kansas, Arkansas, and Oklahoma we’re definitely at a disadvantage coming from a D-III school,” said Parker. “It’s tough sometimes, but we don’t let it get to us. We just need to keep on doing what we do.”

As it stands now, there is no break up between schools based on size of school, Division, or level (varsity or junior varsity, or, ‘A’ and ‘B’). So, the Contrabears play with a number of large Division I schools, such as University of Texas, Oklahoma, Notre Dame, Michigan, and the list goes on.

“There’s been a lot of talk in the past couple of years about splitting them into different divisions based on school size,” explained Parker. “I mean, Texas, for example, is huge. They have four legitimate teams – A, B, C, and D – that all have tryouts and everything. And then we have to go up against these guys – we’ve done pretty well against them in the past. I think that after winning Sectionals it’s really showing the critics what’s what and that the little guy can play with the big boys.”

Despite all these odds against them, the squad was able to head into last weekend’s Sectionals with confidence.

“We knew it’d be tough, but we knew we could do it. We just had to play smart and stick to our game,” said Parker.

They stuck to their game alright, and their stellar play gave them three convincing wins in Saturday’s pool play. Winning all three of their games on Saturday, the team upended Missouri State 15-7, Missouri-Rolla 15-7, and Arkansas B 15-4.

Their commanding play on Saturday earned the Contrabears a No. 4 seed for Sunday’s bracket play, out of 19 competing teams. They had a fierce adversary in their first game in Kansas University, arguably the best team in the Section. Kansas was ranked No. 1 in the UPA Section Poll and No. 2 in the UPA South Region Poll.

“We haven’t beaten Kansas in three years, so we came out hungry,” said Parker.

To gear up for a pair of tough Sunday match-ups, some players dug down deep and brought out all the tricks in the book, especially junior Brian Stowe, who completely shaved off his golden locks.

“I did it so I’d be more intimidating,” said Stowe. “Clearly it worked because teams were running for their lives away from me. The next step is Regionals and I’m trying to get the whole team to join me in my hairless escapade.”

The Kansas match was a hard fought one that witnessed a number of flip-flops and lead changes leading up to an incredibly exciting finish.

“There were a number of momentum shifts during the game,” explained Parker. “At first both of us were playing even, then we scored five straight points, then they scored six. The next thing we knew it was tied 11-11 and time had run out, which meant next point wins. It was killer.” According to UPA rules, each game is either to 15 points or two hours.

With the disc in their possession to start the semi-final overtime, the team couldn’t capitalize on their advantage and turned it over on a dropped pass. Kansas barreled their way down the field and threw a hammer that sailed just out of the end zone, turning it back over to the Contrabears. Another dropped pass gave Kansas the disc back, and it looked like they had the win sealed until junior Jake Levitas came up with a monster leaping D (defensive stop to turn it over) at the 10-yard line to get it back. They scored on the ensuring possession and upset their biggest rivals 12-11.

“We were going nuts. Jake’s play totally saved us the game,” said Parker.

With the win against Kansas, the Contrabears moved into the Sectional Finals against the home squad in the Arkansas Razorbacks. In the end, through a string of critical plays and solid defense, the Contrabears squeaked out the close victory by a 12-11 margin once again.

“Both Kansas and Arkansas were running a special defense throughout the whole game to stop George [Hughes-Strange]. We called it an ‘Iso-George’ defense and a bunch of teams do it to shut him down and keep him out of the game. In this ‘Iso-George’ defense six people play the zone, with three defenders around the disc while another person plays George man-to-man. He’s considered one of the best players in the Region and without a doubt the backbone of our team. It was hard for us because we were losing a big weapon, so we had to get the young players to really step up and play their game,” said Parker.

Early on in the season, an Ultimate player from another school made a post to a well-known Ultimate message board saying, “The first team to shut down George Hughes-Strange shuts down Wash U.” From that grew the ‘Iso-George’ defense.

Despite this, however, it was none other than Hughes-Strange that came down with the disc in the endzone for the Sectionals-clinching touchdown. Trailing 8-4 at one point, the team held on and persevered to catch back up and tie it at 11 apiece. Senior co-captain Ian Orland sent a downfield huck into the endzone where Hughes-Strange, and his 6-foot 6-inch build leaped over an Arkansas defender to pull it in.

With the Sectionals Championship in their pocket, the team will head to Regionals in Tulsa, Okl., on April 29 and 30 as one of the top three seeds for a chance to earn their place in the 16-team National Championships.

For now, the team is focusing on Nationals and preparing for fierce competition.

“We just need to keep on doing what we do,” said Parker. “Our big weakness is that we’re not as naturally athletic as all these other guys at big schools, so we have to overcome that with smart playing and playing with heart. That’s really what we do best – give it our all and never give up. We bust ourselves for the team and really put a lot into it. We’ve been the comeback kids all season long and we don’t plan on stopping.”

Regardless of what happens at Regionals and Nationals, the team’s future is looking bright.

“We’re losing George [Hughes-Strange] and Ian [Orland], who are two big leaders to the team. George has been captain for two years now, and it will be hard to get by without them, but we have a bunch of returning players and we’ll have a whole bunch of new guys ready to step up. We’re getting more and more freshman recruits every year so the future’s looking pretty damn good.”

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

In a twist of irony, the Washington University track and field teams have given up their old ways and embarked upon a new mission in collegiate track and field. The team, captained by senior Brennan Bonner, an all-around stud, has reneged their running ways and begun to use Rascal scooters instead.

“I was up really late one night when I had a revelation while watching an infomercial for Rascal scooters,” said Bonner. “I realized that those old people zipping along merrily on their Rascals had the right idea – life was so much easier when you didn’t have to walk, and especially when you didn’t have to do any stupid running.”

In a moment of revelation, Bonner proceeded to write a 238-page memo about all that the Rascal scooter can do for the common man. The memo was sent to members of the Athletic Department and the Washington University administration in the hopes that they would spring for the money to buy Rascals for every runner.

“I decided to change things up for my team and install a new ‘No Scooter, No Action’ policy. I talked to coach about it and he loved the idea,” said Bonner. “The only obstacle was getting the money to pay for the Rascals, but after some whoring ourselves out and opening up an illegal sweatshop in East St. Louis, we were almost there.

Since the administration had approximately $6 billion dollars to spare, they were able to cover the difference of the costs and make Bonner’s dream come true.

“Since we brought in our Rascals, we’ve never been happier. In endurance races we’re achieving speeds of 8-12 miles per hour, and for the short distance sprints we got some engineers to build some rockets that can be mounted on the backside of the Rascals for maximum speed bursts of up to 26 miles per hour,” said Bonner.

The previous record for speed was held by Olympic gold medalist Michael Johnson, who recorded a speed of 24 miles per hour in a sprint.

Since the enactment of the Rascal Scooter policy last month, Bonner has gained 13 pounds and his legs have begun the long and grueling process of atrophy.

“I haven’t really been moving around much since I got my Rascal. I’m just sick and tired of actually making my body do anything, and it deserves a break. I tried to stand up the other day to reach for a burrito that I had dropped, but it was too much for me. It’s okay, though. I like being lazy like this and I only wish I had done this sooner. Besides, I’m saving a ton of money on deodorant,” said Bonner.

During practice, the team now has time to pursue other activities, such as Bumper Rascals, jousting events on Francis Field and drag races down Big Bend Blvd.

The track and field team is competing today and tomorrow in the Washington University Invitational. But no one cares.

MeghanMarie Fowler-Finn to marry John Jacob Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt

Soccer phenom junior MeghanMarie Fowler-Finn will be wed to long-time boyfriend John Jacob Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt in Graham Chapel on May 18. Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt, 26, of children’s television show “Barney” fame, has been courting Fowler-Finn for four years. It is reported that Fowler-Finn plans to keep her surname and combine it with her new husband’s following the wedding. The Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt-Fowler-Finns will hold a theme wedding focused on the classic Dr. Seuss book “The Cat in the Hat.’” Fowler-Finn’s maid of honor is reported to be soccer star Mia Hamm, wife of former baseball All-Star Nomar Garciaparra. The post-wedding reception will be held on Francis Field immediately afterwards, where they will eat opponents for dinner.

Several WU athletes investigated in steroid probe

After Student Libel released pictures of topless male athletes in the Friday, Feb. 13 Sex Issue, an investigation to determine whether steroids played a part in several athletes’ chiseled physiques was undertaken by University officials. On Thursday, the University released a report indicating the full breadth of an extremely complex steroid ring involving members of the Washington University athletics department, student-athletes and leprechauns.

Players included in the report were basketballers Jonathan Breshears (junior), Cameron Williams (junior), Moss Schermerhorn (sophomore), soccer stars Onyi Okoroafor (sophomore), Rob Weeks (senior), Marshall Plow (sophomore), and the entire men’s swim team. It is believed that the supplier is baseball second baseman David Kramer. The 5-foot, 8-inch 165-pound junior supplied the team with horse, rhinocerous, elephant and shark growth enhancement steroids as well as a number of gels and creams that can be applied to muscles.

Although eyewitnesses have only seen Kramer supply members of the Athletic Department with the aforementioned banned substances, rumors have been running rampant of unprecedented ball shrinkage and ‘roid rages on the parts of those accused.

Duesing drops pass

In a pick-up game of touch football, senior All-American Brad Duesing dropped a pass on a slant pattern from senior quarterback Nick Henry Tuesday afternoon. “The pass was right to him and he just dropped it,” explained Henry. “I couldn’t believe it, and I saw it with my own two eyes. That doesn’t happen to Brad Duesing.”

After looking down speechless at the motionless ball on the ground for 10 minutes, Duesing allegedly broke out into a wild tantrum and proceeded to rip the ball apart piece by piece. Eyewitnesses would only comment on the event under the condition of anonymity. “He started to turn green and his muscles began bulging,” said an eyewitness. “I was eating a turkey sandwich when he came up to me and grabbed it out of my hand and spiked it to the ground. I turned and ran for my life.” Duesing has not been heard of or seen since the incident. He is believed to be on a quest to find Carmen San Diego, but reports have not been confirmed.

Wardrobe malfunction at WU volleyball game boosts attendance 600 percent

In a bizarre course of events, volleyball junior Megan Delcourt was involved in a wardrobe malfunction at a recent Washington University home match against Fontbonne University. The usually reliable skin-tight outfit failed to stay attached to the 5-foot, 10-inch blonde as Delcourt went up for a kill, exposing herself to the team and a crowd of 23 spectators.

Following the incident, word of the flashing spread like wildfire throughout the Washington University student body, prompting a 600 percent increase in attendance at games. Horny and sexually frustrated engineering students compose approximately 70 percent of this new fan base. Allegations that the malfunction was deliberately created by Athletic Department officials have not been confirmed, but the result is very promising for the department.

“It was a very unfortunate event, but one that we have no control over now,” said Athletic Director John Shael as he looked mischievously at Assistant Athletic Director T.J. Shelton and winked. “What’s done is done and all we can do now is sit back and appreciate what the malfunction has done for Washington University athletics.”

Wrighton cuts football funding for basement bowling alley expansion

Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced on Wednesday that all funding for the varsity football team will be cut for the next three years in order to pay for the expansion of the bowling alley in the basement of his home on Forsyth Blvd.

“Due to the popularity of my bowling alley for freshmen during Orientation, I have made the executive decision to suspend University funding for the football team,” announced Wrighton. “The money will go to an expansion of Wrighton Lanes, which will include the construction of 10 new lanes, a concession stand, and neat graphics modeled off of those at Tropicana Lanes. A tiki bar will also be available to students who are 21 and older.”

Head football coach Larry Kindbom is outraged by the disrespect that the University has shown to the program. “I am outraged by the disrespect that the University has given to the program,” he said.

Kindbom and 28 players have gone on a hunger strike since the announcement on Wednesday, refusing to eat until their funding is restored to its original amount.

“Let ‘em starve,” said Wrighton. “We do not negotiate with terrorists.”

Triebe, Slavik sell National Championship speedos on eBay

After seniors Eric Triebe and Mike Slavik won National Championship titles in the 2006 NCAA Division III National Championships over spring break, the two have been hounded constantly by adoring fans and young women. Autograph requests have been at an all-time high for the duo and the two have been unable to leave their apartments without being followed by the paparazzi. In addition, requests numbering in the hundreds for National Championship souvenirs have been received by the Athletic Department.

After hearing about such requests, the pair decided to auction off the speedos they wore in their Championship-winning races on eBay. Since the auction was launched two days ago, there have been a combined 1,236 bids, with the most recent bid coming in at $980 for Slavik’s trunks and an unbelievable $1,435 for Triebe’s winning member. The auction will end on Saturday at noon. The two plan on using their earnings to go on a week-long drunken binge, to buy a robot who they plan to call “C3YourMom” and to sponsor a starving child from Ethiopia.

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

In a statement made to the St. Louis community on Thursday, Chancellor Mark Wrighton, inventor of the glow stick, announced that Washington University will change the official name of its mascot from the Bears to the Pre-Meds, effective immediately.

“In an attempt to foster more unity, courage, and spirit among the Washington University student body, we have decided to change the mascot name of Washington University to something that appeals to a wider range of the population,” Wrighton wrote in his 6,433rd email of the year to the University community. “After much debate amongst ourselves, we came to the conclusion that the ‘Pre-Meds’ best embodies the sentiments of the students, faculty, and administration of this fine University.”

Several potential names were thrown around during a brown-bag luncheon of campus administrators on Monday, but the top three finalists came down to the ‘Danforths,’ the ‘Uglies,’ and the ‘Pre-Meds.’ Other possibilities that did not make the cut included the ‘Glowstix,’ the ‘Crazy Squirrels,’ the ‘Israelites,’ the ‘Constructors,’ the ‘Dorks,’ and the ‘We have way too much money and we don’t know how to use it so we waste it on pointless things like LCD TVs that are never used in a caf‚ that is more of a social venue than a place of study and flowers all around campus that are replaced just about every two weeks so our campus looks pretty for all the prospective freshmen so that we can get even more money and then we can wipe our asses with $100 bills rather than the crappy two-ply that they supply us with in with the freshman dorms which need to all be torn down and built again because like we said before we have way too much money and tossing it around like monopoly money is a fun thing to do and we get bored during the day because hey, we’re in Missouri.”

The name change will result in a tuition increase of approximately $4,150 for the upcoming semester.

“In order to see this change come to fruition,” said Wrighton, “we will need to raise next year’s tuition by $4,150, to be followed by an annual increase of approximately 3.5 percent. This is a small price to pay for the invaluable goal of increasing campus spirit and awareness of the elitism of our Midwest oasis. Besides, it’s not like the majority of students can’t afford it; this is chump change for all the suburban Chicagoans and Long Islanders who inhabit this University. Additionally, this is the first step in taking control in the War with Emory. Soon freedom will ring true and everyone will know that Washington University is in the great city of St. Louis.”

The Bears have been known as the Keepers of the Forest since 1907, and yet the lack of school spirit and pride in athletics has been apparent for decades.

“Wait a minute, we have sports teams here? Like, actual teams?” senior Josh Mattock asked. “I’ve been here four years and I haven’t heard anything about any sports. I mean, I’ve heard of Extreme Orgo-ing, but that’s about it. There’s definitely no athletics anywhere near here.”

There are times when even the athletes themselves have doubted their allegiance to the Bear.

“I have to admit, there have been times when I was out there on the court and the only thing I could think about was orgo backside-attacking me,” said freshman basketball player and pre-med major Tyler Born. “I was completely lost out there not knowing what the hell kind of bear the Wash. U. bear is. My only solace was the comfort of knowing that later in the evening I would be safely hunched over my desk studying for my biology exam for hours and hours on end, only to receive a 45. Ah, now that’s what I’m talking about.” Born is one of the top students in his class.

Generally, the campus is feeling very good about this change.

“Oh boy, am I excited!” exclaimed junior Rachel Steinberg as she peered up from her physics textbook. “All my friends and I will be out there rooting on our pre-med friends while they take their Chem II exams next Thursday. It’s gonna be great! I can’t wait for a tailgating party outside LabSci before finals.”

As a result of the effort, Red Alert will also go through a massive revamping of its program. Instead of free pizza before home games, Red Alert, who will be changing their name to The Ribosome Reactants beginning in the fall, will organize group study sessions and pass out energy drinks at the library for late-night study sessions.

“I’m really excited about everything that’s happening here,” said junior Sara Morris, co-director of the former Red Alert. “For the first time, people will actually care about what we do and we’ll actually be recognized by the students and faculty. It’s really exciting. Go Pre-Meds!”