Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Soccer season may be over for seniors John Horky and Nick Kalscheur, but their off-field legal problems certainly are not. Horky, an all-conference defender, and Kalscheur, a forward, will be charged with three sexually related misdemeanors apiece for their actions on a highly secretive charter cruise on Sept. 20 of last year, following a 4-0 thrashing of Illinois Wesleyan University. Horky tallied two assists in the match, while Kalscheur netted two goals. Afterwards, the two players were undoubtedly looking to blow off some steam.

The dynamic duo each face charges of indecent conduct, lewd and lascivious conduct, and contributing to the delinquency of a mascot. The boat chartered by Horky and Kalscheur was scheduled for a three and a half hour trip around Spanish Lake in northeastern St. Louis County, but was ordered back to shore within one hour because of alleged lewd sex acts possibly involving strippers, prostitution and one very horny mascot.

According to reports from county officials and several eyewitnesses, soon after the boat pushed off from the dock, Horky and Kalscheur disappeared into a galley and were followed shortly thereafter by several strippers and an unidentified person donning a Washington University Bears mascot outfit. Shortly thereafter, the two teammates emerged nude with the scantily-clad females, belting out an obviously alcohol-induced rendition of “I Want it That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. The song choice came in apparent mockery of their roommate and Bears tennis player senior Eric Borden’s pathetic musical taste.

While Horky and Kalscheur enjoyed the presence of their showgirl friends, who allegedly went by the stage names Debbie Do-me, Samantha Westwood, and Tiger Lily, this was no laughing matter.

“They were caught performing lewd acts with sex toys, while the mascot, apparently in a drunken bout of jealousy, started rubbing its furry hindquarters on other unsuspecting cruise patrons,” reported St. Louis County Deputy Sheriff Richard Dragon.

“I was just sitting there minding my own business, watching Horky eat edible panties off a hooker, when all of a sudden this big burly bear started rubbing his tail on me,” commented an unidentified female who was also on the boat. “At first I liked it, you know, because I’ve always had a thing for Smokey the Bear, but then it got too much. It soon became apparent that this bear was intoxicated, and that Horky and Kalscheur had provided the alcohol.”

Following the incident, Horky spoke out in his own defense.

“I don’t understand why people are getting so upset about this,” he said. “I mean, bears should be able to get hammered just the same as humans. I didn’t want to make the bear feel left out. I even made out with the bear for a few minutes, just to make it feel wanted.”

Horky’s hook-up admission could land him in even more trouble, as reports are circulating that the person in the mascot costume was in fact a 17-year-old.

Kalscheur had a separate charge of “dong flashing” that St. Louis County Sheriff Hugh Jaboaner recently described as “the most egregious display of dong I’ve seen in recent months. I mean, that thing was out, and it wasn’t going anywhere.”

Various spectators have also described Kalscheur’s further legal woe as “a bulbous meat hammer with a mind of its own.”

Kalscheur has gone public with his intention to plead insanity on the behalf of his man-made walking stick.

“I find no personal responsibility within the involuntary actions of my tricked-out juice hog,” commented Kalscheur. “I’m a big, bad man, and sometimes my body keeps it real. maybe too real.”

Regardless of their respective defenses, Horky and Kalscheur could soon find themselves keeping it real in the slammer, where they could have a big furry bear of a man charged with child molestation rub his kit-’n'-kaboodle all over the duo’s body.

On the men’s side, the 17th-ranked Bears handled their opening match-up against the University of Illinois-Springfield with considerable ease, dropping only one singles match overall. Senior Ari Rosenthal cruised to victory (6-3, 6-0) in the No. 1 singles spot, while freshmen Charlie Cutler and Chris Hoeland came out victorious in two and three sets, respectively. Sophomore Charlie Howard came up barely short in No. 4 singles following a third-set tiebreaker, but senior Zach Fayne came out on top (6-0, 6-2) in the fifth spot. Freshman Trevis Bowman rounded out the scoring with a convincing victory in No. 6 singles.

The men’s team’s second opponent was No. 21 Graceland University, who was expected to put up a tougher fight than Illinois-Springfield. Head coach Roger Fullmer changed the line-up slightly before facing Graceland, and his adjustments ended up working in the Bears’ advantage as the team cruised to a 5-2 overall victory. Rosenthal picked up points at No. 1 singles after defeating his opponent in a third-set tiebreaker, and Cutler came out on top once again with a straight-sets victory at the No. 2 spot. Although senior William McMahan and freshman Nirmal Choradia played well in the third and fourth positions, Hoeland and Bowman won their second match of the weekend to solidify the Bears’ victory.

For the women’s team, the match-up against No. 28 Carthage College proved to be difficult in the No. 1 singles and doubles positions, but the rest of the squad was able to pick up the slack en route to a 5-4 overall victory. Junior Erin Fleming was victorious in the No. 2 singles spot (6-3, 6-3), while sophomore Ashley Cook and freshman Ania Tchergueiko also picked up wins in the No. 4 and No. 5 positions, respectively. Sophomore Amy Hsieh rounded out the women’s scoring with a victory (6-2, 6-0) in No. 6 singles. As a doubles team, Cook and Tchergueiko won the Bears’ only doubles match against Carthage, which proved valuable in the end to edge them out for the win.

Against 18th-ranked Wheaton College, the women’s team was not as fortunate as they were swept in all six singles matches. The only points earned by the Bears in the match came, once again, courtesy of the doubles tandem of Cook and Tchergueiko. Perhaps the Bears’ inability to put up a stronger effort against Wheaton was a result of freshman Carrie Preston’s illness, which kept her out of the weekend’s action. Preston, who is both the Bears’ No. 1 singles and doubles player, was missed as the Bears moved to 7-3 overall on the season.

For their performances this weekend, both the men’s and women’s teams moved up in the National ITA Division III Poll. The men jumped to No. 8 in the nation while the women moved up two slots to the 13th ranking.

The men’s team will be back in action this coming Saturday as they play a pair of home matches at Clayton Shaw Park against Coe College and Maryville University. The women’s team will host a pair of matches on Friday and Saturday at the Tao Tennis Center against Drury University and Coe College.

Both of the Washington University men’s and women’s track and field teams turned in great performances at the NCAA Indoor Track and Field Championships in Northfield, Minn. on March 10 and 11. The women’s team performed well enough to garner a 31st-place overall finish out of the 50 qualifying squads, while the men’s team placed 32nd. Those finishes capped off a highly successful indoor schedule, which saw both teams finish first at the University Athletic Association (UAA) meet.

Although the teams as a whole did not come out in the top slots in the nation, the highlights for the University came on the heels of exceptional individual performances in the field portion of the event. In the end, four Bears earned All-American accolades.

“Obviously, we are awfully excited for all five athletes who qualified for the NCAA meet, and we are absolutely delighted for the four All-Americans,” said head coach Paul Thornton. “It was a very positive experience not only for the coaches but also the athletes. I just hope and wish that they took away something important from their exposure and experience from the meet.”

The Bears started out the NCAA Championships strong as two athletes earned All-American honors upon the basis of their performances on March 10. Junior Delaina Martin was the first Bear athlete to do so, finishing fourth overall in the weight throw. Martin, who had set the school record in the event just a week before, turned in the best performance of her career with a throw of 17.52 meters.

“Making the final was great for Delaina,” said Thornton. “She knew she could throw better than what she did in the prelims. On her fifth attempt in the final, she had her breakthrough throw of the season. To finish in the top four at the NCAA Championships is a huge accomplishment.”

On the men’s side, junior Cameron Williams finished in a tie for fourth place in the high jump. Although Williams missed the starting height of 1.92 meters on his first two attempts, he was able to clear the bar on his third attempt. Williams was then able to successfully make the next two heights en route to his high finish and All-American honors.

“Cameron got off to a shaky start,” Thornton said. “Once he cleared the first height, it took some pressure off his shoulders. He cleared the next two heights easily. Cameron proved that jumping 2.03 meters last weekend was no fluke.”

Still, Williams was very happy with his performance at Nationals.

“It was all just a lot of fun,” he said. “I’m not quite sure how I did it, but I was really excited about it all. When I was going into it I was just trying to think as little as possible about what I had to do. I just tried to keep my mind clear and do it.”

On the second day of NCAA Championship competition, senior Karl Zelik became the third Bear athlete to earn All-American honors with his performance in the triple jump. Zelik’s jump of 13.98 meters was good enough for eighth place in the event and earned the Bears crucial points for the overall standings.

Sophomore Morgen Leonard-Fleckman became the fourth Bears athlete to garner All-American honors with her outstanding performance in the pole vault. Leonard-Fleckman cleared a height of 3.45 meters, which proved to be good enough for an eighth-place finish.

In the women’s triple jump, sophomore Danielle Wadlington narrowly missed out on being named an All-American performer. Wadlington’s leap of 11.14 meters earned her an 11th place finish, putting her barely out of contention for the All-American honor.

“Any time you come home with four All-Americans, and very close to a fifth one, you have to be happy. It was great to have four student-athletes on the award stand representing Washington University,” said Thornton.

“Probably the best part of it all was watching everyone [other teammates] perform so well. It was great just watching and enjoying and cheering along with everyone else on the second day,” added Williams.

The team will undoubtedly look to build upon its outstanding individual accomplishments and try to achieve higher respective team finishes at the NCAA Outdoor Track and Field Championships in late May. Momentum will be a critical aspect to outdoor season success.

“I hope that we are able to take the momentum from the athletes’ performances in both the NCAA and UAA Championships and their success at the highest levels of track and field to the rest of the year,” said Thornton. “We hope that the leaders will be able to step up and believe that they can reach their goal.”

“We definitely have a lot of momentum going into the outdoor season,” said Waddlington. “We went into Nationals with momentum from the conference meet and now we’ll do that much better in the outdoors. The momentum will push us to work harder and motivate us to do ever better.”

“Our greatest challenge [for the rest of the season] is to take our success and bring it to the upcoming year. We need to take the things we already do well and make them better. Our only opponent is ourselves,” said Thornton.

With their strong performance at the NCAA Championships still fresh in their minds, the Bears will begin their outdoor season this Friday evening at the Washington University Mini Twilight Meet.

Imagine this scenario. David Beckham collects the ball on the wing. Maneuvering past a pair of defenders, he swings a cross to Zinedine Zidane, who calmly collects the ball in the middle of the field. Zidane hesitates for a moment before playing a through ball to Ronaldo, who is streaking toward the goal. Ronaldo holds off a defender, and right as he is about to be tackled, slots the ball to the near post.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

You jump up from your spot on the couch, so caught up in the moment that your Xbox controller flies from your hand, catching your friend squarely in the jaw. A heated exchange ensues, a multitude of trash is talked, and finally, five minutes later, you resume your game.

If the following FIFA scenario has ever taken place in your apartment or dorm room, then you are likely a fan of soccer. In case you haven’t been paying attention, the sport that just about every child played at some level during childhood has slowly been creeping its way into the mainstream. Cells of soccer lovers are forming and swelling in numbers all around the Washington University campus – in many cases right under the noses of campus RAs.

If you happen to stick your head into a random dorm room on a given night, you might be startled to find a crowd of Adidas and Kappa-clad hooligans huddled around a small television, battling it out on FIFA 2006 for Xbox. Take in your surroundings and then be on your way. That is, unless you’re willing to withstand a barrage of seemingly foreign terms like “step-over,” “driven cross,” and “Kaiserslautern.”

While the ever-growing ranks of the underground soccer army are perfecting their craft on a nightly basis, the countless domestic soccer leagues overseas thrive with an unparalleled following and level of fan support. If you’re a member of one of the aforementioned FIFA sects, chances are you know what the standings are for the English Premier League. Or maybe you’re more of a German Bundesliga sort of person. But no matter which league you follow, there is absolutely no question that you are currently gearing up for the greatest annual event in world sport: the UEFA Champions League.

For those of you not familiar with this relatively new but wildly popular competition, it takes place at the same time as all of the European domestic leagues. The Champions League admits the champions of all of the top European leagues from countries ranging from England to San Marino. Additional spots are available for teams from stronger leagues. The four top teams from England, Italy and Spain gain automatic qualification to the Champions League, while the top three from Germany, France and Portugal are also admitted. The number of spots afforded to each country depends on the strength of the domestic competition.

In a way, the Champions League does what the BCS will never do for college football: declare an outright victor. And not just on the national level. With this competition, a true king of the entire European continent can be crowned on an annual basis.

The Champions League also allows the true passion of soccer and its fans to come through. In America, a visiting fan wearing a jersey might get heckled at a game, but afterwards that same heckler might buy the person a beer. Not in European soccer. If you’re an Italian club supporter that travels to England to watch a Manchester United game, you’d be lucky not to get three bottles smashed over your head.

The Champions League also provides a method of unification for some nations. For instance, if you’re a supporter of an English team that does not make the Champions League, you might pick another team to follow during the competition, or at least support another English team if they come up against a squad from a different country.

For those of you FIFA fans who don Liverpool jerseys every Saturday for league play, or for those of you who studied abroad in Spain and now support Barcelona, this probably seems like old news. But for those who have long been mystified by the FIFA-related commotion emanating from the room down the hall, fear not. There is Champions League soccer coming your way. So join your floor’s FIFA club, start familiarizing yourself with rosters, curse the organizers of the World Baseball Classic that are depriving you of a live feed of the games, and check out the televised broadcasts for the following match-ups this coming week:

Wednesday, March 8 at 12 a.m. on ESPN2

Chelsea (England) at Barcelona (Spain) – Round of 16, Second Leg

The world’s most heated club soccer rivalry can only get more intense as Barcelona takes a 2-1 aggregate lead back home for its second clash with the reigning champions of England. The last game between these two powerhouses was embroiled in controversy as Chelsea defender Asier Del Horno received a controversial red card after a nasty collision with Barcelona’s incredibly gifted 18-year-old attacker, Lionel Messi. Having to play the rest of the game a man down, Chelsea surrendered a 1-0 lead and must get a favorable result while playing on the road in this upcoming match.

Key Players

Chelsea: Frank Lampard (questionable – hamstring), John Terry, Joe Cole

Barcelona: Ronaldinho, Messi, Samuel Eto’o

Thursday, March 9 at 12 a.m. on ESPN2

Real Madrid (Spain) at Arsenal (England) – Round of 16, Second Leg

Despite constant pressure from the star-studded Real Madrid line-up, the Arsenal defense stood its ground, posting a shutout against a set of high-profile attackers and ending the game 1-0. On the other end, Arsenal’s Thierry Henry showed why he is the best striker in the world with an amazing solo dribbling effort that resulted in the game’s only goal. Although Arsenal has underperformed so far in the English league, the team will need just a tie at its home stadium to advance to the quarterfinal round against a much stronger Real Madrid side.

Key Players

Real Madrid: Beckham, Zidane, Ronaldo

Arsenal: Henry, Jose Antonio Reyes, Philippe Senderos

With Duke’s J.J. Redick and Gonzaga’s Adam Morrison lighting it up night after night, and U. Conn doing their best to live up to comparisons to last season’s North Carolina squad, it can sometimes be difficult to remember that the NBA is still going on. With all of the media attention surrounding college basketball, many people, even big sports fans, are overlooking one of the most intriguing NBA seasons in recent memory.

After a hugely successful All-Star weekend, the NBA is back in full swing for the second half of the season as some teams are clawing for playoff positions, while others are trying to stay atop the standings. Trade talks are flowing as teams are trying to make that one move that could put them into serious contention. And some cellar dwellers (i.e. the Charlotte Bobcats and Atlanta Hawks) seem to be making a case for the top overall pick in the draft.

With a great deal still to be decided for this season, three big questions loom. Below, these questions will be answered and bold predictions will be made:

Can anybody stop the Detroit Pistons?

In short, no. There is really no foreseeable way for any team currently in the NBA to stop a team that won the 2004 championship and came within one game of the 2005 title. using the exact same starting line-up.

But come playoff time, depending on which teams are hot, anything can happen. So which teams can put together the perfect seven-game series that could end the Pistons’ (43-9) dominant reign over the league? Let’s start with the obvious choice, the San Antonio Spurs. Last year’s champions always seem to turn it on come playoff time. Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili are undoubtedly great talents that can play with anybody, but two-time league MVP Duncan has been battling injuries as of late. If Duncan is healthy, we’ll see the Spurs in the finals with the Pistons, and it’ll be an epic battle. If not, they’ll be lucky to make it to the conference finals.

With Shaquille O’Neal and Dwayne Wade providing an incomparable inside-outside attack, the Miami Heat will be a team to watch come playoff time. Having split their two games against the Pistons this season, the Heat will be the stiffest competition in the Eastern Division for Detroit. Against the Pistons this season, Wade has averaged 35 points per game, which should be a major concern. With the team still struggling to find adequate team chemistry, however, with off-season additions Antoine Walker, James Posey and Jason Williams, the Pistons should be able to come out on top in a seven-game series.

On to a surprising pick for who could pose the biggest problem for the Pistons in the playoffs: the Phoenix Suns. Steve Nash and company are currently second place in the immensely competitive Western Conference, and that’s without Amare Stoudemire, one of the best young talents in the league and an absolutely dominant inside force. Stoudemire is expected to return from the injury that has kept him out the entire season, and when he does, watch out. The combination of Stoudemire and all-star Shawn Marion down low could be too much for Detroit’s Rasheed Wallace and Tayshaun Prince to handle. And with last season’s MVP Steve Nash running the point like only he knows how, the Pistons’ Chauncey Billups could struggle in the match-up he’s gladly avoided all season. But is it enough?

NBA Finals Prediction: Detroit over Phoenix in seven games

Who’s the MVP?

Okay, the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant put up 81 points in a single game. But is he having an MVP-quality season? The answer is yes, but the performance of his team will keep him from taking home the award. Sure, Kobe’s 34.9 points per game is absolutely incredible, but despite his incomparable number of shots taken on the season and his team’s position in the standings (eighth in the Western Conference), Kobe will need to get a little more unselfish and start winning more games before he will win the MVP award.

Another excellent candidate is the best player on the league’s best team, Chauncey Billups. Billups is the catalyst for Detroit, averaging 18.9 points and 8.7 assists per game, good for third in the league. His assist-to-turnover ratio is enough to make point guards around the league extremely jealous, and the leadership that he consistently provides his dominant Detroit team is like that of no other player in the league. When the votes are tabulated for MVP this season, however, look for Billups to come up painfully short. After all, he is still another great season away from being a household name, and voters like a visible character – which leads us to my prediction for NBA MVP.

The Cleveland Cavaliers’ LeBron James will take home the prize. LeBron has, quite simply, become the player he was always expected to be, just a few years earlier than most people anticipated. He makes the highlight reel every night with explosive offensive moves, yet gets his teammates involved and boasts a ridiculous statistics line for the season (31.1 points, 6.9 rebounds, 6.6 assists and 1.64 steals per game). His team currently has the third-best record in the Eastern Conference and sits firmly in the fourth spot in the playoff seedings. And he does it with a supporting cast that is equally as weak as Kobe’s. LeBron should take home one of what should be many NBA MVP awards.

NBA MVP Prediction: LeBron James

Which team has been the biggest disappointment this season?

While I would love to spend a few paragraphs bashing the utterly despicable New York Knicks, the most truly disappointing team this season has to be the Houston Rockets. The fact that the Rockets have two players who were voted as all-star starters (thanks a lot, China, for your overwhelming number of ballots), Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady, it is implausible that they would be 13th in the Western Conference out of 15 teams. The most likely cause, however, is poor guard play. A team can’t expect to win with David Wesley and streetball legend-turned-NBA guard Rafer Alston in the backcourt. The Rockets have received strong play off the bench from rookie Luther Head, who inexplicably starts only on rare occasions, but it hasn’t been enough to translate into wins. But no matter what, with Yao and McGrady on the floor, the Rockets should be able to hang with anybody. This team is disappointing in every sense of the word.

Most Disappointing Team: Houston Rockets

Below are several of the year’s most sexually outlandish members and events of the sporting community. Prepare to be shocked, or even offended, by some of what you read here. But always remember that at the end of the day, who wouldn’t do what these world-class athletes do?

The Minnesota Vikings enact their own rendition of “Free Willy” on Lake Minnetonka

Last October, the peaceful suburbs of Minneapolis, Minn., were rocked by a scandal involving a “sex boat” cruise attended by 16 Vikings football players. The boat was registered under defensive back Fred Smoot’s name, and other players, including star quarterback Daunte Culpepper and running back Moe Williams, were charged following a police report. Apparently, “live sex acts with toys” were being performed in the middle of the boat’s walkways as confused servers weaved in and out of the heaps of sweaty bodies. Although the incident did not end up causing any major commotion, several players were treated at a local hospital from abrasions caused by anal beads. Team owner Zygi Wilf issued a public statement of apology and addressed the team privately, implementing several new behavior policies and stating that he would no longer bend over and let the team have their way. Good choice, Zygi.

Runner from Zimbabwe experiences extreme gender confusion

Samukeliso Sithole of Zimbabwe was recently arrested and charged with competing in women’s track and field events, although tests revealed that he/she was actually 100 percent male. Claiming to have once been a hermaphrodite, Sithole attests to having paid a witch doctor to make her “penis” shrivel up and disappear. When no female organ at all was found, the physicians brought in the world’s foremost expert on female anatomy, Wilt Chamberlain, to make the final call. After chastising Sithole for his(?) tiny penis and flexing his triceps in the mirror for well over 10 minutes, Chamberlain agreed that the runner was in fact a man.

Prep baseball coach proves he’s nuts, flashes dong to players

The baseball coach at Gulliver Preparatory in Miami, Fla., was fired recently after he exposed himself to his players following a loss. According to observers, Lazer Callazo was so furious over his team’s play that he dropped his trousers in front of his players, whipped out his penis and accused his team of not having the balls to play baseball. If Callazo seems a bit intense for a baseball coach, imagine what kind of skin he might flash if he was, say, a boxing manager. I think they have DVDs of it at the local XXX video store.third row, back wall.

LPGA golfer uses caddie for club selection tips, sperm

This past year, Gary Robinson, the former caddie of LPGA member Jackie Gallagher-Smith, filed a lawsuit against the golfer for allegedly using him for his sperm. The two allegedly had unprotected sexual relations on several occasions, during which Gallagher-Smith expressed concern over conceiving a child in her marriage. Either way, Robinson should be ashamed for putting himself in this position. After all, with all of the empty club head covers lying around and his understanding of flight trajectories, you would think Robinson would have sacrificed the hole-in-one for safe semen disposal.

Carolina Panthers cheerleaders involved in public sex, bar brawl

Late last year, Angela E. Keathley and Renee Thomas, both cheerleaders for the Carolina Panthers, were cited for their role in a bar brawl in Tampa, Fla. It was later revealed that the two women were belligerently drunk and having sex with each other in a bathroom stall. When a third patron became fed up with waiting to tinkle, she confronted the mischievous duo, who started throwing haymakers. The rest is history and alone-time material for middle school kids around the country. On a side note, Vikings defensive back Fred Smoot has already been in contact with the women regarding next season’s sex boat, encouraging them to think outside the box.

It’s definitely been a good year in the world of sex and sports, and we can only wait to see what 2006 brings us.

Junior Eliza Davis started out the meet with a strong finish in the women’s 5,000- meter run. Davis’ time of 19:16.00 was good enough to garner her fourth-place honors in the event. Sophomore Danielle Wadlington competed in the 55-meter hurdles next and was also able to pick up a fourth-place finish, an impressive feat given the size of the competing field. Later in the day, Wadlington ran a 27.01 in the finals of the 200-meter dash competition, which was good enough for second place overall.

The Bears also picked up a fifth-place finish in the 55-meter dash courtesy of senior Julie McDermitt. Senior Laura Ehret also helped propel the Bears to their second-place finish with a fifth-place time in the 400 meter dash. Ehret put up a time of 59.48 and was followed by fellow senior Michelle McCully, who finished 10th in the event. Near the end of the day, the women’s 4×400 meter relay received first-place points for a time of 3:57.51 in the finals.

On the men’s side, the Bears received an enormous contribution to their overall score from senior David Skiba, who finished first overall in the 55-meter hurdles. Sophomore Jeff Bayers also chipped in a second place finish in the 5,000-meter run.

The Bears picked up third-place points as junior Kevin Gale turned in a 4:26.99 time in the mile run. Fellow junior Joe Guinness was not far behind as he finished sixth overall. In the men’s shot put, senior Drew Martin threw for a distance of 14.95 meters and finished first overall.

Both of the Bears’ squads will be back in action next weekend as the men’s team will travel to Jacksonville, Ill. to compete in the Illinois College Blue Classic, while the women will be in Ames, Iowa to run in the Iowa State Classic.

However, the Steelers boast a ferocious defense that should prove to be as formidable as any unit the Seahawks have seen this year. Therefore, if the Seahawks are to defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers to take home their first Super Bowl trophy, their defense will end up making the difference.

On paper, the Steelers appear to hold an advantage in terms of the running game. The Seahawks have not been noticeably impressive against the run this season, and there are statistics to support this. On the other side of the ball, the Steelers have one of the most dangerous rushing attacks in the league consisting of the double threat of not-so-cleverly nicknamed “Fast” Willy Parker and inside bruiser Jerome Bettis. However, over the last month and a half, the Seahawks have been giving up an average of only 60 yards per game on the ground. After struggling for much of the season, the Seahawks appear to have found a defensive scheme against the rush that works.

Parker, used mostly for runs to the outside, should be kept in check by an extremely fast Seahawk linebacker corps. However, in order to slow down Bettis, who has been on a tear as of late, the Seahawks will rely heavily on rookie middle linebacker Lofa Tatupu to plug the interior running gaps. Strong safety Michael Boulware, who once played linebacker, could be used to provide additional help against Bettis if needed.

But if Boulware is to help out against the run, the Seahawks will need to take a firm stance early on against a Steelers passing attack that has seen the emergence of QB Ben Roethlisberger as an elite player. While the Steelers’ big, quick tight end Heath Miller will try to stretch the field down the middle as in previous weeks, the Seahawks will need to pressure Roethlisberger, who is aided by one of the league’s best group of receivers. Once again, Tatupu will need to provide a good deal of the pressure, as well as fellow rookie outside linebacker LeRoy Hill.

All season, the Seahawks have been carried by their unstoppable offense, but as they prepare to take on the hard-nosed defense, their own defensive squad will need to step up. If Tatupu is able to stop the inside rushing game and get pressure on Roethlisberger, Parker’s outside rushes are limited, and the Seahawks secondary comes to play, look for the Seahawks to leave Detroit on Sunday night with a set of shiny new Super Bowl rings.

The Washington University swimming and diving teams will travel to Wheaton, Ill., this weekend to compete in the Wheaton Invitational. The meet will mark the men’s and women’s teams’ seventh competition of the year. The Bears will match up against the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point, Benedictine, Hope, North Central, Grand Valley State, and Albion.

So far this season, the men’s team has been led by senior standouts Eric Triebe and Mike Slavik, who hold the Bears’ top times in seven out of 14 individual events. The duo also has performed well on a series of relays, and – combined with other swimmers, such as fellow senior Alex Antilla and freshman Kevin Leckey – holds every top time in this category. Leckey has also proven himself as a very capable medley swimmer and currently holds the top times for both of these events.

Sophomore distance swimmer Ross Vimr has also been a force for the Bears, holding several individual top times. In addition, freshman Julian Beattie, also consistently performing well, has proven time and again to be a threat in breaststroke events.

On the women’s side, the Bears have been led by senior Jenny Scott, junior Monica Jones, sophomore Meredith Nordbrock, and freshman Kim Jenkins. Scott, a veteran member of the squad, has turned in top times in three freestyle events, and will undoubtedly be an important factor for the Bears at every meet this season. Jones is the team’s breaststroke standout, holding the top times in the two breaststroke events for the Bears.

Nordbrock, arguably last season’s MVP, has proven to be a valuable asset for the Bears in recent weeks, in both freestyle and backstroke races. Last, newcomer Jenkins has proven her versatility this season, holding her squad’s top times for both a freestyle and butterfly event.

While the beginning of the season started off rough for the Red and Green, in recent weeks the Bears have picked it up and are threatening to climb the leader boards. The men’s squad kicked off the season with a win over Saint Louis University 181-100, while the women lost the showdown 117-183. Next, both teams finished disappointingly at the Show-Me-Showdown in Columbia, Mo., with a last-place men’s finish and fifth-place finish out of seven for the ladies.

Both the men and women recovered next against DePauw University, but then couldn’t hold on as they traveled the week after their impressive wins to Truman State University, losing both. The men also lost to UM-Rolla in the same meet. Things improved for the Bears the following week, as the men captured a fourth place finish and the women a third-place finish at the UAA-rival University of Chicago Invitational.

The highlight of the season came at the recent Washington University Thanksgiving Invitational, held on Nov. 19-20. The men’s team swam to a convincing victory over second-place squad and cross-town rival Lindenwood University. At the meet, Slavik was particularly impressive, recording four season-best times for his team and taking four individual events. Freshman Mike Scarpati also performed well at the Thanksgiving Invitational, winning two individual breaststroke events.

The women’s team performed well enough to finish second at the Thanksgiving Invitational behind Lindenwood. Scott’s performance was the highlight for the Bears as her time in the 500-yard freestyle was good enough to provisionally qualify for the NCAA Championships. Scott was also victorious in the 100-yard freestyle and swam on two relay sides. Nordbrock also turned in a good showing, winning the 50-yard freestyle and 200-yard backstroke.

Both Bears teams will look to place highly in this weekend’s Wheaton College Invitational. With the University Athletic Association (UAA) Championships only a few months away, the men’s and women’s squads will certainly look to use this weekend’s meet as preparation for meets to come.

Brad Duesing, Senior, Football

Duesing made the history books on Saturday, becoming only the second player in NCAA history to garner 1,000 receiving yards in four consecutive seasons. Duesing had a career day against Greenville College in his last collegiate game, catching 15 passes for a career-high 218 yards while also grabbing two touchdown scores. Duesing finished his season with 1136 receiving yards and 10 touchdowns, averaging 113.6 yards per game.

Elizabeth Herndon, Junior, Cross Country

Having been her team’s top finisher in four of this season’s six races, Herndon led the Bears to a first-place finish in the Midwest Regional Championships on Saturday, earning her third- ranked women’s squad a berth at the NCAA Championships. Herndon finished the 5K race sixth overall out of 260 runners and first for the Bears with a time of 21:34.5.

Emilie Walk, Sophomore, Volleyball

Smith was a major contributor this weekend as the Bears defeated No. 9 Carleton College and No. 13 University of St. Thomas to move on to the NCAA quarterfinals. Walk shot .556 against Carleton while contributing 12 kills and 18 TAs in the effort, as well as a team-high seven blocks. Against St. Thomas, Walk had a team-high 11 kills, and 10 blocks, leading the Bears to another 3-0 victory.

Eric Triebe, Senior, Swimming

Senior standout Triebe clocked a time of 21.71 to win the 50-yard freestyle at the University of Chicago Maroon Invite on Saturday, Nov. 12. He also helped the 200-medley and 400-free relay squads to first place. In all, the captain helped push the Red and Green men to a third place finish out of eight teams in the event.