Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

In a statement made to the St. Louis community on Thursday, Chancellor Mark Wrighton, inventor of the glow stick, announced that Washington University will change the official name of its mascot from the Bears to the Pre-Meds, effective immediately.

“In an attempt to foster more unity, courage, and spirit among the Washington University student body, we have decided to change the mascot name of Washington University to something that appeals to a wider range of the population,” Wrighton wrote in his 6,433rd email of the year to the University community. “After much debate amongst ourselves, we came to the conclusion that the ‘Pre-Meds’ best embodies the sentiments of the students, faculty, and administration of this fine University.”

Several potential names were thrown around during a brown-bag luncheon of campus administrators on Monday, but the top three finalists came down to the ‘Danforths,’ the ‘Uglies,’ and the ‘Pre-Meds.’ Other possibilities that did not make the cut included the ‘Glowstix,’ the ‘Crazy Squirrels,’ the ‘Israelites,’ the ‘Constructors,’ the ‘Dorks,’ and the ‘We have way too much money and we don’t know how to use it so we waste it on pointless things like LCD TVs that are never used in a caf‚ that is more of a social venue than a place of study and flowers all around campus that are replaced just about every two weeks so our campus looks pretty for all the prospective freshmen so that we can get even more money and then we can wipe our asses with $100 bills rather than the crappy two-ply that they supply us with in with the freshman dorms which need to all be torn down and built again because like we said before we have way too much money and tossing it around like monopoly money is a fun thing to do and we get bored during the day because hey, we’re in Missouri.”

The name change will result in a tuition increase of approximately $4,150 for the upcoming semester.

“In order to see this change come to fruition,” said Wrighton, “we will need to raise next year’s tuition by $4,150, to be followed by an annual increase of approximately 3.5 percent. This is a small price to pay for the invaluable goal of increasing campus spirit and awareness of the elitism of our Midwest oasis. Besides, it’s not like the majority of students can’t afford it; this is chump change for all the suburban Chicagoans and Long Islanders who inhabit this University. Additionally, this is the first step in taking control in the War with Emory. Soon freedom will ring true and everyone will know that Washington University is in the great city of St. Louis.”

The Bears have been known as the Keepers of the Forest since 1907, and yet the lack of school spirit and pride in athletics has been apparent for decades.

“Wait a minute, we have sports teams here? Like, actual teams?” senior Josh Mattock asked. “I’ve been here four years and I haven’t heard anything about any sports. I mean, I’ve heard of Extreme Orgo-ing, but that’s about it. There’s definitely no athletics anywhere near here.”

There are times when even the athletes themselves have doubted their allegiance to the Bear.

“I have to admit, there have been times when I was out there on the court and the only thing I could think about was orgo backside-attacking me,” said freshman basketball player and pre-med major Tyler Born. “I was completely lost out there not knowing what the hell kind of bear the Wash. U. bear is. My only solace was the comfort of knowing that later in the evening I would be safely hunched over my desk studying for my biology exam for hours and hours on end, only to receive a 45. Ah, now that’s what I’m talking about.” Born is one of the top students in his class.

Generally, the campus is feeling very good about this change.

“Oh boy, am I excited!” exclaimed junior Rachel Steinberg as she peered up from her physics textbook. “All my friends and I will be out there rooting on our pre-med friends while they take their Chem II exams next Thursday. It’s gonna be great! I can’t wait for a tailgating party outside LabSci before finals.”

As a result of the effort, Red Alert will also go through a massive revamping of its program. Instead of free pizza before home games, Red Alert, who will be changing their name to The Ribosome Reactants beginning in the fall, will organize group study sessions and pass out energy drinks at the library for late-night study sessions.

“I’m really excited about everything that’s happening here,” said junior Sara Morris, co-director of the former Red Alert. “For the first time, people will actually care about what we do and we’ll actually be recognized by the students and faculty. It’s really exciting. Go Pre-Meds!”

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