Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Soccer season may be over for seniors John Horky and Nick Kalscheur, but their off-field legal problems certainly are not. Horky, an all-conference defender, and Kalscheur, a forward, will be charged with three sexually related misdemeanors apiece for their actions on a highly secretive charter cruise on Sept. 20 of last year, following a 4-0 thrashing of Illinois Wesleyan University. Horky tallied two assists in the match, while Kalscheur netted two goals. Afterwards, the two players were undoubtedly looking to blow off some steam.

The dynamic duo each face charges of indecent conduct, lewd and lascivious conduct, and contributing to the delinquency of a mascot. The boat chartered by Horky and Kalscheur was scheduled for a three and a half hour trip around Spanish Lake in northeastern St. Louis County, but was ordered back to shore within one hour because of alleged lewd sex acts possibly involving strippers, prostitution and one very horny mascot.

According to reports from county officials and several eyewitnesses, soon after the boat pushed off from the dock, Horky and Kalscheur disappeared into a galley and were followed shortly thereafter by several strippers and an unidentified person donning a Washington University Bears mascot outfit. Shortly thereafter, the two teammates emerged nude with the scantily-clad females, belting out an obviously alcohol-induced rendition of “I Want it That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. The song choice came in apparent mockery of their roommate and Bears tennis player senior Eric Borden’s pathetic musical taste.

While Horky and Kalscheur enjoyed the presence of their showgirl friends, who allegedly went by the stage names Debbie Do-me, Samantha Westwood, and Tiger Lily, this was no laughing matter.

“They were caught performing lewd acts with sex toys, while the mascot, apparently in a drunken bout of jealousy, started rubbing its furry hindquarters on other unsuspecting cruise patrons,” reported St. Louis County Deputy Sheriff Richard Dragon.

“I was just sitting there minding my own business, watching Horky eat edible panties off a hooker, when all of a sudden this big burly bear started rubbing his tail on me,” commented an unidentified female who was also on the boat. “At first I liked it, you know, because I’ve always had a thing for Smokey the Bear, but then it got too much. It soon became apparent that this bear was intoxicated, and that Horky and Kalscheur had provided the alcohol.”

Following the incident, Horky spoke out in his own defense.

“I don’t understand why people are getting so upset about this,” he said. “I mean, bears should be able to get hammered just the same as humans. I didn’t want to make the bear feel left out. I even made out with the bear for a few minutes, just to make it feel wanted.”

Horky’s hook-up admission could land him in even more trouble, as reports are circulating that the person in the mascot costume was in fact a 17-year-old.

Kalscheur had a separate charge of “dong flashing” that St. Louis County Sheriff Hugh Jaboaner recently described as “the most egregious display of dong I’ve seen in recent months. I mean, that thing was out, and it wasn’t going anywhere.”

Various spectators have also described Kalscheur’s further legal woe as “a bulbous meat hammer with a mind of its own.”

Kalscheur has gone public with his intention to plead insanity on the behalf of his man-made walking stick.

“I find no personal responsibility within the involuntary actions of my tricked-out juice hog,” commented Kalscheur. “I’m a big, bad man, and sometimes my body keeps it real. maybe too real.”

Regardless of their respective defenses, Horky and Kalscheur could soon find themselves keeping it real in the slammer, where they could have a big furry bear of a man charged with child molestation rub his kit-’n'-kaboodle all over the duo’s body.

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