Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

In a twist of irony, the Washington University track and field teams have given up their old ways and embarked upon a new mission in collegiate track and field. The team, captained by senior Brennan Bonner, an all-around stud, has reneged their running ways and begun to use Rascal scooters instead.

“I was up really late one night when I had a revelation while watching an infomercial for Rascal scooters,” said Bonner. “I realized that those old people zipping along merrily on their Rascals had the right idea – life was so much easier when you didn’t have to walk, and especially when you didn’t have to do any stupid running.”

In a moment of revelation, Bonner proceeded to write a 238-page memo about all that the Rascal scooter can do for the common man. The memo was sent to members of the Athletic Department and the Washington University administration in the hopes that they would spring for the money to buy Rascals for every runner.

“I decided to change things up for my team and install a new ‘No Scooter, No Action’ policy. I talked to coach about it and he loved the idea,” said Bonner. “The only obstacle was getting the money to pay for the Rascals, but after some whoring ourselves out and opening up an illegal sweatshop in East St. Louis, we were almost there.

Since the administration had approximately $6 billion dollars to spare, they were able to cover the difference of the costs and make Bonner’s dream come true.

“Since we brought in our Rascals, we’ve never been happier. In endurance races we’re achieving speeds of 8-12 miles per hour, and for the short distance sprints we got some engineers to build some rockets that can be mounted on the backside of the Rascals for maximum speed bursts of up to 26 miles per hour,” said Bonner.

The previous record for speed was held by Olympic gold medalist Michael Johnson, who recorded a speed of 24 miles per hour in a sprint.

Since the enactment of the Rascal Scooter policy last month, Bonner has gained 13 pounds and his legs have begun the long and grueling process of atrophy.

“I haven’t really been moving around much since I got my Rascal. I’m just sick and tired of actually making my body do anything, and it deserves a break. I tried to stand up the other day to reach for a burrito that I had dropped, but it was too much for me. It’s okay, though. I like being lazy like this and I only wish I had done this sooner. Besides, I’m saving a ton of money on deodorant,” said Bonner.

During practice, the team now has time to pursue other activities, such as Bumper Rascals, jousting events on Francis Field and drag races down Big Bend Blvd.

The track and field team is competing today and tomorrow in the Washington University Invitational. But no one cares.

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