Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

MeghanMarie Fowler-Finn to marry John Jacob Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt

Soccer phenom junior MeghanMarie Fowler-Finn will be wed to long-time boyfriend John Jacob Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt in Graham Chapel on May 18. Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt, 26, of children’s television show “Barney” fame, has been courting Fowler-Finn for four years. It is reported that Fowler-Finn plans to keep her surname and combine it with her new husband’s following the wedding. The Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt-Fowler-Finns will hold a theme wedding focused on the classic Dr. Seuss book “The Cat in the Hat.’” Fowler-Finn’s maid of honor is reported to be soccer star Mia Hamm, wife of former baseball All-Star Nomar Garciaparra. The post-wedding reception will be held on Francis Field immediately afterwards, where they will eat opponents for dinner.

Several WU athletes investigated in steroid probe

After Student Libel released pictures of topless male athletes in the Friday, Feb. 13 Sex Issue, an investigation to determine whether steroids played a part in several athletes’ chiseled physiques was undertaken by University officials. On Thursday, the University released a report indicating the full breadth of an extremely complex steroid ring involving members of the Washington University athletics department, student-athletes and leprechauns.

Players included in the report were basketballers Jonathan Breshears (junior), Cameron Williams (junior), Moss Schermerhorn (sophomore), soccer stars Onyi Okoroafor (sophomore), Rob Weeks (senior), Marshall Plow (sophomore), and the entire men’s swim team. It is believed that the supplier is baseball second baseman David Kramer. The 5-foot, 8-inch 165-pound junior supplied the team with horse, rhinocerous, elephant and shark growth enhancement steroids as well as a number of gels and creams that can be applied to muscles.

Although eyewitnesses have only seen Kramer supply members of the Athletic Department with the aforementioned banned substances, rumors have been running rampant of unprecedented ball shrinkage and ‘roid rages on the parts of those accused.

Duesing drops pass

In a pick-up game of touch football, senior All-American Brad Duesing dropped a pass on a slant pattern from senior quarterback Nick Henry Tuesday afternoon. “The pass was right to him and he just dropped it,” explained Henry. “I couldn’t believe it, and I saw it with my own two eyes. That doesn’t happen to Brad Duesing.”

After looking down speechless at the motionless ball on the ground for 10 minutes, Duesing allegedly broke out into a wild tantrum and proceeded to rip the ball apart piece by piece. Eyewitnesses would only comment on the event under the condition of anonymity. “He started to turn green and his muscles began bulging,” said an eyewitness. “I was eating a turkey sandwich when he came up to me and grabbed it out of my hand and spiked it to the ground. I turned and ran for my life.” Duesing has not been heard of or seen since the incident. He is believed to be on a quest to find Carmen San Diego, but reports have not been confirmed.

Wardrobe malfunction at WU volleyball game boosts attendance 600 percent

In a bizarre course of events, volleyball junior Megan Delcourt was involved in a wardrobe malfunction at a recent Washington University home match against Fontbonne University. The usually reliable skin-tight outfit failed to stay attached to the 5-foot, 10-inch blonde as Delcourt went up for a kill, exposing herself to the team and a crowd of 23 spectators.

Following the incident, word of the flashing spread like wildfire throughout the Washington University student body, prompting a 600 percent increase in attendance at games. Horny and sexually frustrated engineering students compose approximately 70 percent of this new fan base. Allegations that the malfunction was deliberately created by Athletic Department officials have not been confirmed, but the result is very promising for the department.

“It was a very unfortunate event, but one that we have no control over now,” said Athletic Director John Shael as he looked mischievously at Assistant Athletic Director T.J. Shelton and winked. “What’s done is done and all we can do now is sit back and appreciate what the malfunction has done for Washington University athletics.”

Wrighton cuts football funding for basement bowling alley expansion

Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced on Wednesday that all funding for the varsity football team will be cut for the next three years in order to pay for the expansion of the bowling alley in the basement of his home on Forsyth Blvd.

“Due to the popularity of my bowling alley for freshmen during Orientation, I have made the executive decision to suspend University funding for the football team,” announced Wrighton. “The money will go to an expansion of Wrighton Lanes, which will include the construction of 10 new lanes, a concession stand, and neat graphics modeled off of those at Tropicana Lanes. A tiki bar will also be available to students who are 21 and older.”

Head football coach Larry Kindbom is outraged by the disrespect that the University has shown to the program. “I am outraged by the disrespect that the University has given to the program,” he said.

Kindbom and 28 players have gone on a hunger strike since the announcement on Wednesday, refusing to eat until their funding is restored to its original amount.

“Let ‘em starve,” said Wrighton. “We do not negotiate with terrorists.”

Triebe, Slavik sell National Championship speedos on eBay

After seniors Eric Triebe and Mike Slavik won National Championship titles in the 2006 NCAA Division III National Championships over spring break, the two have been hounded constantly by adoring fans and young women. Autograph requests have been at an all-time high for the duo and the two have been unable to leave their apartments without being followed by the paparazzi. In addition, requests numbering in the hundreds for National Championship souvenirs have been received by the Athletic Department.

After hearing about such requests, the pair decided to auction off the speedos they wore in their Championship-winning races on eBay. Since the auction was launched two days ago, there have been a combined 1,236 bids, with the most recent bid coming in at $980 for Slavik’s trunks and an unbelievable $1,435 for Triebe’s winning member. The auction will end on Saturday at noon. The two plan on using their earnings to go on a week-long drunken binge, to buy a robot who they plan to call “C3YourMom” and to sponsor a starving child from Ethiopia.

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