Student Life Archives (2001-2008)

These ice queens are hot

Dan Daranciang

I had the unfortunate experience of working at Blockbuster Video for three years during high school. Aside from the free rentals, there aren’t many incentives to working at the epitome of corporate America. That is, unless you have a number of professional athletes that belong to your fine chain. Specifically, that is unless you have pro athletes who have wives hotter than fire. Several members of the New York Islanders, Rangers, Jets, Yankees and Knicks belonged to my Blockbuster (including the not-so-sexy Bill O’Reilly).

Through my encounters with these world-class athletes and the times I was fortunate enough for their wives to come rent the latest New Release, I came to a glaring realization: hockey players have the absolute hottest wives in the sporting world.

I kid you not, if there was a point scale to demonstrate how much hotter hockey wives are than all other athletes’ wives, they’d be off the chart.

Let me explain. Don’t get me wrong – in sports like basketball, football and baseball, players have gorgeous wives. These wives put normal American women to shame with their perfect sleek bodies, shimmering and shining hair and glowing personalities. But compared to hockey wives, there’s one huge difference: hockey wives are perfectly natural.

A good way to put a visual to this concept is to think of the trainer for the Iceland team in the critically acclaimed film “D2: The Mighty Ducks.” Think of her – flowing golden hair, slim and toned physique, sexy Nordic accent, perfect pearly whites and an athleticism that would put most men to shame – and multiply that by 10.

Now put an oversized hideously disfigured man with a concaved nose, possibly missing teeth, brutish demeanor and terrible Eastern European accent next to her and you have your hockey wife.

Every hockey wife I’ve been fortunate to gaze upon has been a natural beauty – not hidden behind pounds of makeup or enhanced through augmentation – while wives from other sports have an essence of Rodeo Drive or Park Avenue that gives them their beauty.

Additionally, another glaring separation is in the athletes themselves. Basketball, football or baseball players, for the most part, are very good-looking people; they’re physically fit, tall, handsome and have all their teeth. Many hockey players, however, are ugly as sin.

Take New York Islanders’ left wing Oleg Kvasha. This guy’s face is so contorted that I’m convinced that he was punched in the face every night as a child to toughen him up as he grew up in Soviet Russia. He’s a tough guy indeed, but he resembles more of a pug than a person. His deep sunken eyes, crooked and flat nose, square jaw and the five teeth that he still has left all lay claim to his sheer ugliness.

And yet, Kvasha’s wife is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. I remember seeing this shining beacon of beauty walk into Blockbuster with this abomination of a man, leaving my mouth literally agape and some drool dribbling down the side. I was completely amazed that this man is with this woman. Unbelievably, who would’ve known that a woman wearing jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt and no makeup could elicit such a response. She was probably wearing less than $50 worth of clothing and still made heads turn.

And then a few weeks later I met Islanders’ captain Alexei Yashin’s fianc‚e, former supermodel Carol Alt. Alt was one of the first “supermodels” of the 1980s, and even in her early 40s this woman was a stunner. And then I met Islanders’ Roman Hamrlik’s wife. Hot. And then I met Islanders’ Jason Blake’s wife. Hotter.

The fact that these men could marry the crÅ me de la crÅ me of the female gender simply adds to their wives’ hotness. Sure, gorgeous women could marry professional athletes for their good looks and mountains of money, but it really rings true when butt-ugly hockey players with fewer teeth and considerably lower salaries are bagging the best-looking broads.

Maybe it’s in the hockey players’ amiable personalities, or maybe it has to do with their national origins. Either way, there’s one undeniable truth: hockey players have the hottest wives, and anyone who has a basis for comparison can’t argue otherwise.

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