In this modern day and age, professional athletes and those associated with them are getting increasingly more serious about achieving the highest level of success. Whether this involves strenuous all-day workouts or yoga classes, pro athletes can often be a model of dedication to their work. But then, when all of that hard work is finished for the day, what else is there for them to do? Some opt to fish, while others would prefer to cuddle up by the fire with a good book. The other 90 percent of those associated with athletics usually choose to spend their free time doing more entertaining things, like participating in sexually deviant activities. For most athletes, “The Da Vinci Code” can wait, because there’s an unlimited amount of sexual energy to explore.

Below are several of the year’s most sexually outlandish members and events of the sporting community. Prepare to be shocked, or even offended, by some of what you read here. But always remember that at the end of the day, who wouldn’t do what these world-class athletes do?

The Minnesota Vikings enact their own rendition of “Free Willy” on Lake Minnetonka

Last October, the peaceful suburbs of Minneapolis, Minn., were rocked by a scandal involving a “sex boat” cruise attended by 16 Vikings football players. The boat was registered under defensive back Fred Smoot’s name, and other players, including star quarterback Daunte Culpepper and running back Moe Williams, were charged following a police report. Apparently, “live sex acts with toys” were being performed in the middle of the boat’s walkways as confused servers weaved in and out of the heaps of sweaty bodies. Although the incident did not end up causing any major commotion, several players were treated at a local hospital from abrasions caused by anal beads. Team owner Zygi Wilf issued a public statement of apology and addressed the team privately, implementing several new behavior policies and stating that he would no longer bend over and let the team have their way. Good choice, Zygi.

Runner from Zimbabwe experiences extreme gender confusion

Samukeliso Sithole of Zimbabwe was recently arrested and charged with competing in women’s track and field events, although tests revealed that he/she was actually 100 percent male. Claiming to have once been a hermaphrodite, Sithole attests to having paid a witch doctor to make her “penis” shrivel up and disappear. When no female organ at all was found, the physicians brought in the world’s foremost expert on female anatomy, Wilt Chamberlain, to make the final call. After chastising Sithole for his(?) tiny penis and flexing his triceps in the mirror for well over 10 minutes, Chamberlain agreed that the runner was in fact a man.

Prep baseball coach proves he’s nuts, flashes dong to players

The baseball coach at Gulliver Preparatory in Miami, Fla., was fired recently after he exposed himself to his players following a loss. According to observers, Lazer Callazo was so furious over his team’s play that he dropped his trousers in front of his players, whipped out his penis and accused his team of not having the balls to play baseball. If Callazo seems a bit intense for a baseball coach, imagine what kind of skin he might flash if he was, say, a boxing manager. I think they have DVDs of it at the local XXX video store.third row, back wall.

LPGA golfer uses caddie for club selection tips, sperm

This past year, Gary Robinson, the former caddie of LPGA member Jackie Gallagher-Smith, filed a lawsuit against the golfer for allegedly using him for his sperm. The two allegedly had unprotected sexual relations on several occasions, during which Gallagher-Smith expressed concern over conceiving a child in her marriage. Either way, Robinson should be ashamed for putting himself in this position. After all, with all of the empty club head covers lying around and his understanding of flight trajectories, you would think Robinson would have sacrificed the hole-in-one for safe semen disposal.

Carolina Panthers cheerleaders involved in public sex, bar brawl

Late last year, Angela E. Keathley and Renee Thomas, both cheerleaders for the Carolina Panthers, were cited for their role in a bar brawl in Tampa, Fla. It was later revealed that the two women were belligerently drunk and having sex with each other in a bathroom stall. When a third patron became fed up with waiting to tinkle, she confronted the mischievous duo, who started throwing haymakers. The rest is history and alone-time material for middle school kids around the country. On a side note, Vikings defensive back Fred Smoot has already been in contact with the women regarding next season’s sex boat, encouraging them to think outside the box.

It’s definitely been a good year in the world of sex and sports, and we can only wait to see what 2006 brings us.

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