Though Student Life has definitely covered almost every angle of this fabricated Wash. U.-Emory rivalry in print, and the Wash. U. community has covered most of the rest of that in conversation, there’s still something missing.

We’ve talked about the inappropriate, distasteful and disrespectful usage of the word “war” and the images it creates. We’ve talked about the disrespect Emory has shown this school by means of physical vandalism and ill-mannered articles printed in their paper. But many of us were quick to brush all this aside and deem it all foolish, pathetic and purely out of spite and jealousy.

I am disconcerted by the idea that they have a Department of War, the fact that their SGA President recently appointed himself “Supreme Ruler” and the low blows they’re taking at us simply because they feel academically and otherwise inferior to us. However, I am most disconcerted by their lack of respect for and knowledge about competitive sports.

So I thought this would be a perfect time to talk about the best rivalries in the history of sports. My first thought was to go into all of the fascinating history, incredible fan-base support and profound understanding of competition and tradition necessary for a true rivalry. I wanted to make my 10 Best Sports Rivalries list, which would have included New York Yankees-Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs-St. Louis Cardinals, Dallas Cowboys-Washington Redskins, Cleveland Browns-Pittsburgh Steelers and Los Angeles Lakers-Boston Celtics, among others.

However, not only would I have had significant trouble narrowing it down to 10 and then proceeding to rank them, but it seemed unfair and rather low to make some kind of point about this Emory business by going on about rivalries in professional sports. And thus, we have my Four Best Rivalries in College Sports list instead.

So, on the off chance that some Department of War gurus read this, my hope is that they will learn a little something about what makes a rivalry a rivalry. And I can assure you that one organization’s decision to vandalize both their own and a desired nemesis’ home turf one day in an attempt to develop some kind of rivalry is on there.

Can’t you see it? Wash. U.-Emory at number one…

4. UCLA-USC: The Bruins and the Trojans first faced off in 1929. This rivalry prides itself on much more than just football and seems to be a little bit more fun than most others. These California teams are all about the pranks. It all started in 1941 when Trojan fans stole UCLA’s Victory Bell. From then on, the schools went back and forth, prank for prank, each one more intense than the last, until it got so out of control that something had to be done. This led to an agreement to bring an end to the pranks and make the bell what it is today-what the winner of each UCLA-USC battle takes home each year. The pranks, however, never ceased. Beyond each school’s pranking talents, they each contribute something else to the rivalry-football. They’ve endured a long road of back-and-forth streaks, one of seven tie games, including a final score of 0-0 in 1939, and seemingly infinite battles for conference titles and post-season berths. USC currently leads the series, 40-27-7.

3. Michigan-Ohio State: This classic Midwestern rivalry began in 1897 and intensifies with each season. For these two schools, their entire season leads up to their hot-blooded battle with each other-not only in their hearts and souls, but in their schedules, too. The Buckeyes and the Wolverines have faced off in the last game of the regular season since 1935. Now, they have joined efforts in what they creatively call “Ohio State/Michigan Week,” which includes charitable events such as food and blood drives, as well as events geared around pumping up students for the upcoming game. Michigan currently leads the series, 57-38-6.

2. Duke-UNC: This rivalry, in and of itself, represents college basketball at its best. They are two teams, just one town part, who are almost always competitive contenders for championships. Duke’s Coach K and former UNC coach Dean Smith are two of the best to ever enter the business and made for one of the best rivalries in the history of coaching. Beyond the caliber of coaching and athletic talent, these teams have stadiums filled with more blue, more passion and more spirit than you can imagine. When the Blue Devils play the Tar Heels, basketball fans are never disappointed. Until April of this year, both teams had won three NCAA championships (now, UNC has four). And despite the gap in the overall record, every game is neck-in-neck, life or death, and a truly unique experience. UNC currently leads the series, 124-95.

1. Wash. U.-Emory: Wash. U.’s Bears and the Emory Eagles have been at it for almost a week now. After Emory students vandalized Wash. U.’s underpass with such clever phrases as “Wash. U. girls are ugly!” and “Emory owns U. George Washington is dead,” WU didn’t retaliate. Incidentally, Emory students had also vandalized their own campus with equally as creative toilet paper and signs saying “Emory sucks” and “Die Emory! Go Wash. U!” but led the rest of the school to believe people from Wash. U. did it. One Emory student wrote an op-ed in their newspaper about Wash. U. students being “hubristic” and how the school paid off U.S. News and World Report to get the ranking they did. Wash. U. fought back with a couple articles in their student newspaper. Is this rivalry unparalleled or what?

As you can see, there really isn’t much comparison. I understand wanting to foster school spirit-Red Alert, Student Life and countless other campus organizations are always trying to do that here. But the truth is that most students at schools like Wash. U. and Emory went to their respective colleges knowingly and willingly giving up packed drunken student sections, painting their naked bodies in school colors and attending nationally televised sporting events virtually free of charge by choosing a school with Division III athletics. And maybe, after all this hoopla, the Francis Field bleachers would be redder, greener and more crowded than ever if our soccer teams were facing Emory on our turf… but they probably won’t. Perhaps Emory’s Supreme Ruler’s wish for more school spirit was granted. And he might’ve even pushed along Red Alert’s efforts here. But Wash. U.-Emory is far from topping the Best Rivalries charts of the world.

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