American League

East: New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox win Wild Card (for a change)

Our apologies to “Red Sox Nation,” but we have no reason to believe that the Bronx Bombers are going to be dethroned in their quest for yet another AL East title. Despite the young Blue Jays being a year older, the Orioles’ acquisition of Slammin’ Sammy Sosa and manager Lou Pinella’s dyed blonde hair, these three clubs will again play second fiddle to baseball’s greatest rivalry. This year will be no exception to the rule that paying over $150 million for a team will almost guarantee a playoff spot. And on a side note: for all of you students who aren’t from Boston yet chose to support the Red Sox instead of the Cardinals in last year’s World Series, you can all go to hell.

Central: Cleveland Indians (The Tribe’s alive in 2005!)

Young guns C.C. Sabathia, Jake Westbrook and Cliff Lee join forces with savvy veteran pitcher Kevin Millwood and a more stable bullpen to provide pitching depth to an already potent offensive roster, which features the likes of Victor Martinez, Travis Hafner, Coco Crisp and a healthy Aaron Boone. Apologies to starting pitcher Johan Santana and the Minnesota Twins, but it does not seem likely that their shallow starting rotation and light-hitting lineup will stand up this year. The Detroit Tigers should show another marked improvement over past years, and they certainly remain a darkhorse candidate in this historically weak division. Look for the Kansas City Royals and the Chicago White Sox to make up the last two spots in the AL Central, barring abnormal seasons from White Sox “aces” Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez and Jose Contreras, former Yankees rejects. All in all, expect the Twins, Sox, Royals and Tigers to be playing the role of Colonel Custer at Little Big Horn this year while the Indians play, well…you know.

West: LA Angels? Anaheim Angels? Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim… that’s it.

The addition of Steve Finley to a perennially powerful lineup should secure the Halos a repeat performance atop the West. A vastly improved Seattle Mariners squad, an offensive juggernaut in the Texas Rangers and Billy Beane’s statistics project in Oakland make predictions in this highly competitive division speculative at best. Expect a dogfight all year long with the thunderous bat of reigning MVP Vladimir Guerrero and the thunderous appetite of Bartolo Colon giving the Angels a very small edge.

AL MVP: Vladimir Guerrero repeats.
AL Cy Young: Randy Johnson, good for making birds explode and winning Cy Youngs.

National League

East: Atlanta Braves (And you were expecting the Mets, right?)

Did the Braves offseason acquisitions match up to those of the Mets or Marlins? No. Can any of us remember a year when the Braves didn’t win? Even Alex’s grandmother can’t remember a year when the Braves didn’t end up on top. Then again, Alex’s grandmother can’t remember Alex’s name. While the Mets and Marlins did make significant splashes in the free-agent market (Beltran and Martinez to Queens and Delgado to Miami), we can’t deem it feasible for the Braves to relinquish their stranglehold on their division.

Central: St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago Cubs win Wild Card (The two darlings of the Midwest get another chance to choke in the playoffs)

Though our Redbirds replaced all-star shortstop Edgar Renteria with dwarfish David Eckstein, they added the one thing that prevented them from winning it all last year: a bona fide staff ace in Mark Mulder. The middle of the Cardinals’ batting order is to opposing pitchers what Mike Tyson is to earlobes. The pitching staff in Chicago is still very dominant and should keep them in contention for at least the Wild Card, if not the whole division. Expect a significant drop-off from the Astros as Roger Clemens, Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell are getting ready to collect Social Security. The Brewers, Reds and Pirates continue to show improvement but are a few years away from being legitimate contenders.

West: San Francisco Giants (Hearing Barry Bonds’ squeaky voice during playoff press conferences never gets old.)

‘Roids aside, a healthy Barry Bonds is the most dominant player in baseball, period. Assuming he comes back in May, as speculation suggests, the Giants will be in the cat-bird seat this year. With strong pitching and a weak offense, the Los Angeles Dodgers should cause some sleepless nights in San Francisco, but the switch-hitting fan base in San Francisco (not that there’s anything wrong with that) should expect their squad to hold off the Dodgers and the up-and-coming Padres. As in years past, assume that the Rockies will smash the cover off the ball in Coors, where the beer flows like wine. Hey, didn’t the Diamondbacks win a World Series in 2001? Yes. Now the club is drafting homegrown talent from the University of Phoenix Online.

NL MVP: Albert Poo-holes
NL Cy Young: Mark Prior

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