Swimmer Mike Hernandez shares his views on shaving, nudity, imps, Philly cheese steaks and more with Student Life reporter Renee Hires.

Student Life: Why should I interview you out of all the guys on the swim team?

Mike Hernandez: First, because I have three nipples. I know you are thinking ewwww gross but get this shizzle. It actually helps me swim faster. Second, you shouldn’t be hating on Mexicans. I’m not Mexican, but many people think I am. The real reason to interview me is I’m outgoing, nice and open to meeting people of all different colors and sizes. I really don’t have three nipples though, but imagine if I did.

SL: I’d rather just ask if you have any nicknames.

MH: I have two. I’m Mikey the Mexican. I also get Nando a lot. In practice we like to say, “are you a MexiCAN or a MexiCAN’T.” I find that saying to be really inspirational.

SL: You must find it useful to have a nickname with so many Mike Hernandezes out there.

MH: Actually, someone just told me today that apparently some Mike Hernandez killed someone in Florida and then just fled. I’m a gentle flower, a fragile blossom. I could never kill anyone.

SL: That’s funny because I wanted to ask you, which one of these other real Mike Hernandezes do you most relate to: the Mike Hernandez who pitches for the Cleveland Indians, the one who is the LA City Councilman with a “lack of character”…

MH: Well, I have plenty of character so…

SL: …or the Michael Hernandez who is “a rather twisted, gender variant imp who currently resides in the high desert of Southern California” and is also a “dynamic plein-air painter…”

MH: Imp? What’s an imp? I want to know what an imp means. Oh you must mean PIMP!

SL: Well… or, the Hernandez who scored 14 points for the Rio Hondo College basketball team in a win over the College of the Desert, or the 81 year old who died in his home?

MH: Oh, that’s so sad, but who wants to pitch for Cleveland? Plein-air painter and a Pimp? You know, now that I think about it, this is a silly question. There is only ONE Mikey Hernandez, and it’s me damnit!

SL: Could the one and only Mike Hernandez pull off any dives?

MH: Sure, a cannonball or pencil. I own those dives. I could do maybe a flip in the tuck position into a cannonball, or pencil if I’m lucky. I think that’s a degree of difficulty of 4.2.

SL: By the way, an imp is “a small, mischievous devil, sprite or child.” Imps are probably great at leading team cheers.

MH: Great, because I’ve led two cheers this year. We do the raccoon cheer. Give me an R…R…What’s that spell? Raccoon. What do we eat? Garbage. We eat garbage! We eat garbage! I don’t know what that means or why we do it, and I’m sure garbage doesn’t taste that good anyways. The other is Zoom. Our cheers suck though. We need to work on that for Conference next weekend.

SL: Do you have any goals for Conference or Nationals?

MH: It was our best season last year, and we got second at conference. One team goal this year would be to beat Emory to win. As a personal goal I want to make Nationals, which will be here in St. Louis. The 400 IM provisional cut is a 4:11. My best time is a 4:14 from last year. But right now I would have to say that my best event is the 200 IM. I could be on the 400 Medley Relay, but we’ll see. All the relays will go to Nationals.

SL: Will you showoff the “Top of the Day GA” shirts? What’s with those?

MH: They are compliments of my high school coach from Germantown Academy. Our opponents like to make fun of them by chanting you can’t spell gay without GA. Some people think GA stands for Georgia, but I don’t dignify them with an answer because I’m obviously not from Georgia. Do I look Southern to you?

SL: No, but your hat does!

MH: My hat is my business! And business is fantastic! So back off punk! My sister got me this. The burning hot chile pepper is for the University of Louisiana – Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns.

SL: I’m glad you have a hat. Swimmer guys are notorious for having horrible hair.

MH: Feel it. I use shampoo! And sometimes… conditioner. When people say my hair is ugly you know what I say to them? “You’re ugly. Leave my hair alone.” I used to use hair gel. I finally kicked that habit. Thank God, what was I thinking?

SL: Won’t you just shave it later?

MH: No, no. Not till Nationals. Brad’s not going to hold me down and make me shave me head, my teammates will. I am going to shave my arms though, and my legs, my stomach, my feet… Not my head though or my eyebrows!

SL: Do you ever have to explain anything about yourself or sport to others?

MH: Besides the speedo and shaving things? I mean we only shave to swim faster, and the speedo thing… It’s not like we wear them as underwear. In practice we’ll wear a speedo, but we’ll have a drag suit over it. It’s not even like we’re all hanging out in banana hammocks looking at each other.

SL: Is it possible your tiny suit is just a size too small though?

MH: Yes, we get sizes too small all the time. The smaller the suit the faster. There is a rule in swimming about your ass crack hanging out. It helps you swim faster. It makes you more aqua-dynamic. You didn’t know that?

SL: I do now. But tell me, would you join a nudist colony?

MH: Me? Well, I’ll do it but under certain conditions. I’d have to see the rest of them first. You know, some people shouldn’t be naked. Ever! And they would have to be all girls too.

SL: Good luck pulling that off.

MH: It would have to be somewhere tropical. We got like a beach going on, some palm trees, maybe some coconuts. We could play volleyball nude.

SL: Would you try your many cheesy pick up lines on these ladies?

MH: No. I say them but it’s not like I’m really going to go up to a girl and use one. So do you have a bandaid, because I skinned my knee when I fell for you. Do you have Hispanic in you? Do you want some? That’s a good dirty one.

SL: Puking at practice, now that’s dirty.

MH: Yes. One time I ate a Philly cheese steak from here, went to practice and had a lactate set. We did 8×100 as fast as we could go. So I was just cruising along at number five or six when this cheese steak just came back up. Whole. So I get a bucket now in practice. I mean, other people have done this, but I started it this year. I was the first.

SL: So do those cheese steaks live up to the real deal you find in Philly?

MH: No, not at all. I go to Pat’s in Philly. They use Cheese Whiz, it’s not the real cheese that they use over here. It’s so much better. I mean they try here, but they’re missing the cheese whiz!

SL: Do you ever lose count of what lap you are on in practice and think of other things?

MH: Oh yeah. All the time. I think about food because I get hungry. I’ll be swimming and think I wonder what I’ll have for dinner. Maybe some Subway, no maybe I’ll go to Center Court, no maybe I’ll go home and order a pizza or go to Taco Bell (good place, you should go sometime)… So I think about what I’ll eat, or I’ll start singing random songs, in my head, not out loud.

SL: Is there any one thing you really like to eat after swim practice?

MH: Besides a 20lb turkey? I’ll eat just about anything! Mmmmm…whipped cream…. I have never bought whipped cream, but I can tell you I prefer the spray can of the cream that’s whipped rather than the tub of cream you scoop, cool whip. We don’t really have food in our apartment though. And I skip breakfast. I’d rather sleep.

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