If you are one of the lucky everyday civilians to acquire a ticket to this year’s Super Bowl, you might want to consider scalping it. Not because this year’s Patriots-Panthers match-up could potentially be the first scoreless game in NFL history, but because the oil-bearing host city of Houston has run dry of its most precious resource: Cristal champagne.

The Houston Chronicle recently reported that as of last Tuesday, all of the city’s primary liquor vendors were completely drained of the reputed drink by rappers and athletes planning Super Bowl-related parties. In another unconfirmed account, P. Diddy, known to some as the world’s biggest Cristal buyer, sent the cast of Making Da Band II on foot to nearby Austin to pick up several bottles.

Anyway, due to federal privacy laws, nobody will ever really know who is fully responsible for the Cristal shortage. However, with a bit of intuitive thinking, I was able to round up a strong list of possible culprits consisting of people who will be in town during the Super Bowl. Ladies and gentlemen, the usual suspects:

Yao Ming

With a towering yet eventually arthritic 7’5″ frame to fill up, this former number-one draft pick would probably need to down a few hundred bottles to feel a buzz from the coveted champagne. Raking in millions from his terribly witty Macintosh iBook campaign with Mini-Me, Yao undoubtedly has dough to waste.

Tom Brady

After hosting the Miss America Pageant the year after winning the Super Bowl with the Patriots, you’d think that Brady would be able to effortlessly pick up any female. However, after enduring several seasons of hard hits from defensive linemen, I wouldn’t put it past Brady to use the Cristal to lure in the ladies. Having been linked to notoriously promiscuous socialite/actress Tara Reid in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised if Brady filled up a swimming pool with the fashionable champagne. Although a good and ambitious idea, it would be by far the hardest anyone had ever tried to get with Reid.

A Panthers player

Oh wait, I don’t know any Panthers players. Never mind.

Roger Clemens

A recent pitching acquisition of the Houston Astros, Clemens may be looking to start out his stay in Houston with a bang. Since he seems to alienate people wherever he goes (i.e. Boston, New York, his own home), Clemens could try to win over the affections of his fellow Houstonians by providing them with a delectable selection of fine champagne. While this may be a kind gesture, he should stick to what he’s good at: nailing Mike Piazza in the head with 100-mph fastballs.

Jay-Z

Could it be that Jay-Z admitted his guilt in his recent song Excuse Me Miss? In this hit single off of Jay’s ever-popular album Blueprint 2: The Gift & the Curse, the H.O.V.A. bluntly states: “You can’t even drink Crist-OWL on this one / You gotta drink Crist-ALL.” What was that, Jay? You’re going to drink ALL of the Cristal? Something’s fishy here. Better call Beyonc‚ and see what she thinks.

With so many possible suspects and so much controversy swirling around about the Case of the Missing Cristal, it’s easy to forget that there is still a Super Bowl to play. But in a time of so much uncertainty, one thing is certain: nobody really cares.

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