Face/Off: Lakers are Kobe’s club
While Pankaj will tell you that the Lakers are Shaq’s team, it is important to remember that Pankaj is an idiot.
There are three key factors which have led me to conclude that the Lakers are indeed Kobe’s team. As for Pankaj, you’ll just have to take my word for it, or the results of several basic aptitude tests.
1) Shaq delayed his off-season surgery last year, forcing him to miss the beginning of the season and play the rest of the year out of shape. This led to an out-of-sync Lakers squad and an early playoff exit. If that wasn’t enough, Shaq has released six rap albums while Kobe had the good sense to limit his rap career to one single.
2) It is Kobe’s, not Shaq’s, ability to create shots down the stretch that has lifted the franchise to three championships. It is ironic that during crunch time, Shaq is conspicuously without the basketball, let alone any chocolate-covered rice confection, despite his endorsement of Nestle Crunch. Also, he can’t make free throws.
3) Kobe is named for a type of Japanese beef; Shaq is not. Presumably, Shaq is named for a dilapidated domicile. Secondly, Shaq’s father was in the military while Kobe’s father played in the NBA and was nicknamed “Jelly Bean.” While Shaq has often said he will join the police force after retiring from the NBA, admittance into the police academy is no sure thing, leaving Shaq potentially jobless. It is comforting to know that Kobe could follow in his father’s footsteps and enjoy a bright future roaming the sidelines of the Slamball cage (or other similarly confining grounds).
Given these facts, it is clear that the Lakers are Kobe’s team and will remain his team. And finally, to reiterate, Pankaj is an idiot.
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