TKE ‘Super Smash Brothers’ party gone wild
Magnum SteeleEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
In what was originally billed as a “Super Smash Brothers Party,” a Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) video game party was broken up by WUPD officers at 2:30 a.m. early Saturday morning when they received reports of loud and excessive noise coming from the usually dormant building.
Upon entering the scene, Police Chief Don Strom was horrified by what he saw: a completely naked TKE member filming a Girls Gone Wild sequence in front of a crowd of ogling TKE members taking pictures with their camera phones.
“That image will forever be burned into my retinas,” said Strom. “I thought I would never see anything more shocking than that time I saw a drunk freshman defecate himself, but seeing this behavior at the TKE house is just earth shattering. Wow.”
The visibly drunk unidentified females, believed to be underage mail-order brides from Russia, were taken into custody for questioning where they directed police efforts to the basement of the TKE house. A warrant led the police to the basement, where they found over $5,000 worth of alcohol, a pet chimpanzee stolen from the Biomedical Engineering laboratory, and a collection of over 600 hours of raunchy Girls Gone Wild pornography, as well as the central database for the popular pornographic “BangBus” website.
After word had spread throughout campus about the TKE shakedown, members of the Greek community became outraged at the blatant disrespect and clear violations of the codes of behavior and conduct set forth by Greek Life.
“What happened here last Friday is the most heinous event in the history of Greek life,” said disgusted Zeta Beta Tau president Justin Snyder. “Providing alcohol to minors and objectifying females in such a way is a matter that should be taken extremely seriously. They should be permanently kicked off campus and vilified for their blasphemous and wicked behavior.”
No arrests have been made yet, but the suspected cameraman has been reported missing since Saturday afternoon when eyewitnesses saw him on Snow Way entering an unmarked white van run by solar energy panels. The investigation is ongoing.
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