Officer Spoons ‘n’ Fruit arrests Center Court thieves
SchmittgensEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
It was a just another day at Center Court – yesterday’s meat loaf had become today’s chili surprise, and all was well. But in a blinding flash, everything changed.
Security Officer Spoons ‘n’ Fruit leapt into action, streaking past the buffets to blindside a couple of would-be fruit thieves. The officer quickly subdued the suspects, described as white males wearing ball caps, American Eagle t-shirts and cheap flip-flops. Three forks, two apples and several bananas were confiscated as illegal contraband.
“Most Center Court patrons are honest, hardworking Americans,” said ‘n’ Fruit. “But I can tell a ‘nanner-snatcher from 15 tables away. If you can smell the hair product, that’s a good bet. They use it to cover the scent of their stolen citruses.”
Onlookers watched in disbelief as the part-time B&D security officer cuffed and cavity searched the two suspects. When asked why such extreme measures were necessary, ‘n’ Fruit warned that, “You never know where they’ll be willing to stick a banana.”
Though the disturbance was brief, Center Court closed its doors early to allow WUPD to perform a full investigation.
“We see this kind of thing more and more. Maybe it’s the price of gas going up. Maybe they need the oranges to make meth,” remarked Police Chief Don Strom.
“All I know,” added ‘n’ Fruit, “is that these kids may be Wash. U. students, but they’re all amateurs. Sometimes their fingers are still sticky from the last job.”
Spoons ‘n’ Fruit was hired through an ad in “Soldier of Fortune” magazine after the Great Plate Pilfering of 2005. To date, ‘n’ Fruit has made 12 arrests, all but one of which resulted in felony convictions. The last suspect, Jimmy Gongers, hung himself before his court date.
Chief Strom refused to comment on any pending charges, instead advising future thieves to “stick to pizza and beer. They’re better for you, anyway.”
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