Construction under construction
Scott BresslerEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Clear out the crane – here comes the wrecking ball. The new underground garage currently under construction on main campus will be demolished Monday to make room for a new project. Though details were unavailable at time of press, anonymous administrator Janet Grover confirmed that the University is calling the project a “Subterranean Parking Facility.”
The facility, to be named after Chancellor Wrighton’s daughter’s dog emeritus, Muffins Danforth, will be similar to the one demolished, only with thinner walls and a diminished sense of community.
“Honestly, we didn’t even hire a new architect. We’re actually using the same blueprints,” Grover admitted.
Gregory Powers, assistant dean of mollification, rebutted.
“That is not true at all,” he said. “We’re adding this gigantic seal that you can read right-side up and upside down. We’re also toying with the idea of a fountain.”
Although Powers could neither confirm nor deny rumors that other University space will be put to use as temporary parking during the construction, he suggested, “If I were you, I would not be standing in line at Whispers Caf‚ next Tuesday, during, say, rush hour.”
Chancellor Wrighton did not return phone calls, though his secretary’s secretary justified the move in an e-mail. She wrote, “That old garage was so 2006.”
Most students reacted to the news with apathy.
“Excuse me, I’m trying to study,” said a freshman in Olin library. “Ouch,” she added when further prodded.
Freshman Katy Smith, who asked not to be named, said “Buildings disappear from this campus faster than a lecturer in Arts & Sciences without tenure.”
While Grover objected to that particular analogy, she agreed that there has been a high turnover in recent years. She noted, however, that this will be the school’s first pre-dedication demolition.
In light of the anticipated bulldozing, the Economics Department has expressed concern over the future of the new Social Sciences building, also currently under construction.
Grover was quick to reassure.
“The University has no current renovation plans for that site,” she said. “At least not this week.”
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