Missing what was never there
The other day, I unsuspectingly walked into my friend’s room. Not surprisingly, she was checking Facebook. I didn’t really understand how the look on her face corresponded to the mild stalking she was doing. Then, I learned the real reason for her distress.
Since the beginning of the semester my friend has liked a boy that she has a couple classes with. They talk frequently, have decent conversations and generally enjoy each other’s company. She’s very attracted to him and she was hoping that he would reciprocate her feelings. She has never had a boyfriend before and despite the fact that she’s had many crushes this year, this boy stood out to her as a particularly promising potential boyfriend.
All too abruptly, Facebook crushed her hopes when the boy’s relationship status went from “single” to simply blank. For those not familiar with the intricate workings of Facebook statuses, any sign of ambiguity in relationship status leads to controversy. If he wasn’t single, what was he? In her eyes, the lack of a definite status clouded her own mental clarity.
As my friends and I sat in my room trying to console her, she finally (and explosively) exclaimed, “I wish I had a boyfriend! I miss not having someone!” My cynical yet brutally honest friend responded, “You can’t miss something that you never had. It’s easier to miss something [or someone] if you already had it.”
I sat there for a second contemplating her words, and then I came to the conclusion that I completely disagreed.
Sure, if you’ve already had a boyfriend or girlfriend and you’re currently single, you probably miss the physical and emotional support that significant other provided. When you enter a relationship, you start devoting more of your time exclusively to a particular person, so when you break up, you’re left with a void. You feel like you might want to get back together with your ex, but then you realize that you have to move on. If no one ever moved on, we would all marry the first significant other we had.
But what happens when, as Kate Winslet so aptly said in “The Holiday,” “you have the worst kind of love?” What if you spend a large majority of your time obsessing, contemplating, or even stalking the object of your desires, only to realize that that person doesn’t feel the same way? Unrequited love can take up as much time, energy and emotional weight as a real relationship. I think it’s equally as crushing to like a person and wish that you were dating, than to miss a relationship that has already fizzled.
You might have never even started dating the person, but you’ve probably imagined the dates in your head. You’ve probably wondered what it would be like to be alone with the other person, and you’ve probably felt crestfallen every time you realize that kind of situation will never occur. You might have never been one of the PDA couples at Ursa’s on a Saturday night, but you’ve tried to live vicariously through one of their dates.
In the end, my friend might never have had a chance with this guy-not necessarily because of compatibility issues, but because it wasn’t meant to be. However, I still think that there’s truth in her missing something that she’s never had. Of course, you can miss the way your previous boyfriend looked at you when you got all dressed up for one of your dates. You can miss the feeling of confiding your deepest thoughts and desires to someone. Sometimes the physical and emotional connection between two people is almost palpable, and you can feel the depth of their bond. This is what gives so many people, including my friend, a wish for a relationship, and a desire for something they’ve never experienced.
All around us, we see people in love. Just because we’re not feeling it, that doesn’t mean we don’t want to.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Related Posts
Print This Post