Some people are afraid of flying. Others fear heights and animals, like snakes and sharks. The list really could go on forever, with phobias ranging from typical things like spiders and insects to more extreme fears of illness. But none of these things scare me. If you’re really weird and out-there, you might just be afraid of condoms. Like me.

I want to preface my explanation by stating that I am in no way a sex freak who is constantly having unprotected sex. In fact, I’m far from that. So now that this is clear, onto my story.

It all started at the tender age of 11, during the summer of 1998. Like many other prepubescent boys, I was sent to overnight camp during the summer for four weeks of what promised to be non-stop fun and adventure. What I got, however, was a little more than I bargained for. One day, I had just finished playing a game of baseball with some of my friends and we were all walking back to our cabin when I saw something up yonder. At first glance, it appeared to resemble something like a miniature butterfly net, if such things even exist. As I drew nearer, however, I noticed that it was definitely not a butterfly net. It was, in fact, far from it. A condom lay on the ground, a used condom at that, and as I asked my friends what it was, they just looked at me and laughed, their faces incredulous as they asked me if I was being serious. They told me that some counselor must have gotten lucky the night before, though at the time I didn’t really understand what they meant. I attribute my phobia of condoms to this frightful first experience.

During the adolescent teenage years, I lived my years as an immature, naive boy that knew zilch about sex. Sure, in middle school we had sex-ed, but for some reason none of my teachers ever thought it important to demonstrate the use of condoms. I remember seeing a movie where the teacher demonstrated how to use a condom by putting it on a banana, but we had none of this in my school.

When I got to high school, most of my friends from neighboring middle schools knew what condoms were, as they often joked about them (although I still don’t really understand how you can joke about a condom, but whatever). Apparently, they had learned what condoms were in middle school, unlike me.

During my junior year of high school, my friends and I were eating lunch when one of them suddenly put her purse on the table and pulled a condom out. Fortunately, at 17 I had learned what condoms looked like, so I did not make the fatal mistake of asking my friends what it was. My friend thought it would be funny to unwrap the condom and fling it at people. Since my friends knew about my whole condom ordeal, the condom was flung at me and I flipped out. A few weeks later, for my18th birthday party, the same girl and her other friend brought a whole lot of condoms, this time flavored condoms of different colors. My friends proceeded to hold me down and force me to hold the condom. I will never forget the smell and texture of it. The mixed smells of latex and strawberry intoxicated me and the slimy texture repulsed me. Sometimes it is good to experience new, foreign things, but this was not one of those times.

Upon coming to college, I resolved to rid myself of my irrational fear of condoms, or to at least keep it hidden from my friends. As it would turn out, I was unsuccessful at both of those things. My freshman year at Wash. U. was full of discoveries, including my first real exposure to condoms. And by that, I don’t mean sex. A kid from my floor thought it would be funny (and in retrospect, it was) to tape a condom to my dorm room. (So for those of you want to pull a prank on me using a condom, do something more original than that.) Furthermore, my RA, along with the support of my floor mates, taught me how to use a condom with a banana (for proof that this actually did happen, please see the pictures on my RA’s digital camera). After putting the condom on the banana a few times with different kinds of condoms (who knew there was mint tingle, extra pleasure and a vibrating kind?), it still completely grossed me out.

For now, there’s a time and a place where the popular saying of “don’t be a fool, wrap your tool” comes into play. Until that time comes, though, I’m staying as far away from condoms as I possibly can.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 14th, 2007 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Scene. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.