In the world of instant messaging, the away message is a powerful rhetorical device. It can inform, insult and inspire. Away messages have even inspired a brand new sport: compulsive away message checking.

As with any sport, it is imperative that one understand the vocabulary and rules before playing. This guide to types of away messages will help make this delicate art more accessible to the average instant messenger user.

Bragging Away Message (BAM): BAMs assert the superiority of the writer over the reader in some way. During the school year, this is often accomplished through messages referring to the large loads of work. Translation: I am smarter than you and have more significance in life. BAMs are often very straightforward, like the cherished, “I am too popular to answer your IM right now, but maybe later.” Translation: I don’t really care about anything I have to do right now, but I care even less about what you have to say. While BAMs may inspire other instant messengers to put up Depressing Away Messages (see below), readers will assuredly continue to check the away messages of BAM users, largely for the same reasons that one would read a celebrity tabloid – it’s extremely compelling to read about the lives of one’s superiors.

Depressing Away Message (DAM): The effectiveness of these messages is proportional to the writer’s level of dramatics. Often intended to inspire pity, but occasionally reflective of one’s real state, DAMs focus on the negative in one’s life. They can take the form of a list, such as “Lost my job, got a flat tire, ate a bad egg.” Or they can consist entirely of phrases that allude to negative feelings and low self-confidence, like “I’m falling through a cyclone of discontent.” Commonly, DAM writers utilize song lyrics written by others to express their innermost thoughts. See “Song Lyric Away Message” for further reference.

Interactive Away Message (IAM): IAMs can take many forms. The most popular forms of IAMs are inspirational quotations and links to Web pages. Inspirational quotations, like “You ever think there is more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good looking?” (Derek Zoolander, “Zoolander”), add a level of depth to away message checking and require the reader to consider whatever lofty meaning the message holds. Links to Web pages, on the other hand, do not typically provide much intellectual stimulation. These require that the reader click inside the away message box and explore whatever content appears, which is usually a flash video or porn. Or both. A technical flaw of IAMs is that many of these referenced Web pages end up infecting viewers’ computers, causing them to lose their entire list of saved away messages.

Lazy Away Message Expression (LAME): LAMEs are default messages programmed into the instant messaging program, such as “I am away from my computer right now.” Using these messages compromises one’s creativity and, essentially, labels one a sellout. Messages such as “Around” and “Be right back” also qualify as LAMEs, as do messages in which the message field is simply left blank. This category of away message does not enhance the reader’s life in any way. If tempted to use a LAME, log off instead.

Online Displays of Affection (ODA): Derived from “public display of affection” (PDA), ODA messages are identifiable by their personal content. These messages are, in monogamous cultures, applicable solely to one person. Authors of such messages, however, feel the need to share their sentiments with their entire buddy list. A common ODA message would say something like, “I miss you sweetie and love you so much!” For those in love, these messages are incredibly uplifting. For those out of love, these messages are incredibly annoying. A formula to keep in mind when writing an ODA message is: I + (emotional, declaratory verb) + (you OR name of person the message really applies to) + rest of phrase. Remember – the more unnecessary it is for the world to know, the better.

Real Life Away Message (RLAM): RLAMs are used to notify readers of the author’s whereabouts, activities or contact information. RLAMs are often used to enlighten readers about each task that the message’s author plans to do in a particular period of time. RLAMs are incredibly popular on college campuses and can often be cross-referenced as BAMs. Instant messengers also use RLAMs to solicit attention from people on their buddy list, often including the writer’s number in hopes that someone will dial it. Sadly, the number of people who view RLAMs is incredibly high compared to the number of people who follow instructions in a RLAM. Synonym: a stalker’s delight.

Song Lyric Away Message (SLAM): SLAMs function under the same theory that governs much of contemporary society. Similar to seeing a therapist to straighten one’s mental knots, quoting song lyrics allows one to relate emotion without the responsibility of describing it. Sometimes, a SLAM author includes the entire song being referenced, or at least cites his or her source. More frequently, however, authors pick and choose phrases from songs, neglecting to include citations in proper MLA format. This practice increases the drama of the away message, making the SLAM an enigma. Occasionally, writers offer prizes to readers that can guess what song the lyrics came from. Note: Do not be deceived. These prizes are never actually awarded.

Witty Away Messages (WAM): Away messages consisting of jokes are the most common manifestations of WAMs. Ambitious WAM writers construct their own witty phrases to reveal their location, mood or general comedic nature. A classic WAM is the message, “Don’t bother me, I’m busy checking other people’s away messages.” Sometimes, WAMs are expressly designed to irritate those reading them, such as the message “Please wait.” that appears to reflect a loading message.

Authors of such messages are cruel and deserve to be punished. The ability to check a large amount of messages in a short period of time is essential to Compulsive Away Message Checking, and messages like these impede Compulsive Away Message Checkers from accomplishing their goals.

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