Sex, Lies & Lucky Charms

Rachel Brockway
Dan Daranciang

Did you know that Lucky Charms can get you pregnant?

Yes, yes, it does make sense, I promise. Lucky Charms happen to be my favorite cereal. Therefore, it seems appropriate that I relate them to relationships in general. Like Lucky Charms, relationships should be tasty, fun and should leave you satisfied.

Let us begin with the marshmallows. Everyone knows that marshmallows are the best part of Lucky Charms. The way they melt in your mouth, their texture and their sweet flavor are all comparable to that perfect kiss. Marshmallows are the sex drive in any intimate relationship. Okay, I revoke my previous statement; Lucky Charms don’t get you pregnant. Those irresistible marshmallows do.

I once dated an angry nymphomaniac. Not a good combination, but the relationship taught me a lot. A therapist, Mary Hewes, told me, “Rachel, a good relationship cannot exist without sustenance-something more than physical closeness.”

Have you ever tried to eat just the marshmallows? I have. It gives you a lot of energy for about an hour and then just makes you sick and tired. Similarly, my relationship was full of enraged passion and then just made me sick; hence, my therapist. The sustenance in Lucky Charms is the whole grain goodness; the sustenance in a healthy relationship is the intellectual and emotional goodness.

I would never consider Lucky Charms my favorite cereal without the marshmallows. My love affair with the cereal would be demoted to friendship level without something so sweet and enticing dispersed among the healthy whole grain. My wonderful romance novelist mother once told me, “While in real life we all want to be loved for our minds and our good hearts, in our fantasies we all want to be loved for our killer bodies and come-hither eyes.”

Although some may daydream about a relationship of sustenance-free sex, we need an even balance of love and lust. Author Marge Piercy puts it flawlessly: “It’s not sex that gives you pleasure-it’s the lover.” In order to enjoy meaningful sex, you must have a relationship with substance.

While discussing the concept of Lucky Charms with a few friends, sophomore Aubrey Hunsaker observed, “The sweetness of the marshmallows needs to be offset by the crunchy texture of the grain.” Following the direction of this statement, in order for one to appreciate sex, there needs to be a certain amount of down time, metaphorically and literally speaking. Sexy, single junior Matt Kaufman said, “It’s kind of like smelling coffee beans between sampling different kinds of cologne. In order to appreciate each different aroma you should not overload your senses. In order to appreciate each experience, you need a break in the sexual intimacy [with] a dose of intellectual stimuli.”

So what is the appropriate balance of marshmallows and whole grain? I believe the answer is different for everyone. For some people, one or two marshmallows might suffice, while others need sex in order to feel truly connected to someone. I have many friends who do not need sex at all to feel intimate. I also have friends that would prefer to have sex with the person they love (or like) five times a day. Every single relationship is unique. Unfortunately, relationships are not a very well researched science and there is no equation for how much sex is suitable for you and your irresistible partner. Therefore, I cannot give an answer to the question. All I can say is that those enticing, mouth-watering morsels are eager to knock you up.

You don’t have to agree with my theory on Lucky Charms, but don’t say I didn’t warn you about those marshmallows.

Leave a Reply