Arbiter Elegantiarum
Margaret BauerThere are moments, my Arbiter Acolytes, that I wonder how many times we can endure the trials of yet another offspring of Hollywood royalty. You know what I mean- those booze-abusing, drug-doing, movie-bombing brats who put the sin in cinema. Each seems to be vying for his or her own E! True Hollywood Story or VH1 Behind the Music.
And I think I know why. True, they are spoiled. True, they are pampered. True, they are my idols. But that isn’t their problem. I believe the root of all of their evil lies in their names, their stupid-ass names.
For every commonplace Kate Hudson, there is an Apple Martin. For every Colin Hanks there is a Blanket (n‚e Prince Michael II) Jackson. I shudder to think what Julia Roberts will do-and she has two names to screw up! Let us pray that Jennifer Lopez is never allowed to procreate, because the world doesn’t need another Consuelo on its hands. And let’s not even talk about Britney and Kevin Federline’s future little white trash bundle of joy-what, is she going to use brand names from Walmart?
Honestly, just because you play an astronaut, it doesn’t mean that you can name your child as if it is from another galaxy. What are celebrities thinking when they slap monikers on their little ones like Lourdes and Rocco (Madonna), Rumer, Scout LaRue and Tallulah Belle (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis), Brooklyn (Posh Spice) or Chastity and Elijah Blue (Cher)? Calista Flockhart (who herself might want to reconsider sounding like a cross between a severely retarded species of bird and a Scottish Highlands war lord) adopted a son and named him Liam-all he needs now is a kilt and some bagpipes.
If it wasn’t for exclusive home schooling, these are the children who would be battered to bloody pulps on the playground.
Then we have Kelly Ripa, Ripa-ing off every other celebrity for her own children’s name. Lola from Esther/Madonna and Joaquin from Mr. Phoenix. And there is Courtney Cox commiting the crime of alliteration and name theft by lifting a monkier from a long-dead designer, Coco Chanel.
So message to celebs, stop the madness by putting an end to the bad naming. You’re only adding to the therapy bills, which, given your (lack of) parenting skills, will be massive to begin with.
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