RA defecates in residents’ rooms
Raymond StantzTo the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
Mounting tensions on Lee 3 took an unprecedented turn when one of the two Residential Advisors defecated in a resident’s room. This is the second defecation incident to take place on the dorm floor in the past two weeks.
“I came back to the dorm last night and someone had taken a giant crap in my room,” said a Lee 3 resident, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, who does that?”
After recovering from the shock, the resident proceeded to report the incident to her RA. The RA could not be found, although a note left on the outside of the door stated, “How funny is shitting in someone’s room, now!” The resident entered the room to check if the RA was in, and found a bottle of Ex-Lax sitting on the desk. She then reported the evidence to both Residential Life and WUPD, who have taken the case in different directions.
Although Rob Wild, director of Residential Life, could not be reached for comment through phone messages, e-mail, or carrier pigeon, he did respond to the situation with a short, written statement.
“When we hire Residential Advisors, we look for the highest moral character and leadership qualities,” wrote Wild. “In this case, the Residential Advisor responded appropriately to the problems on her floor by giving residents a taste of their own medicine.”
While Wild sanctioned the RA’s use of defecation as a means of controlling the floor, WUPD has not viewed the incident in such a favorable light. WUPD Chief Don Strom says his detectives narrowed down the list to two suspects and “are pursuing matters from there.”
“Right now, the evidence is in the lab and we’re waiting to run it under DNA analysis,” said Strom. “Our office has been swamped by extensive efforts to find those involved in the Student Life thefts, so this could take a while.”
Although progress is slow, WUPD recently stumbled upon a piece of reliable information from an important source. One of the two suspected RAs had listed on thefacebook.com that interests included “defecating in residents’ rooms.”
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