With a third of the semester (one-sixth of the year) over, the average Wash. U. student will be bombarded by a myriad of tests, projects and all sorts of evaluations every week all the way until December. Wonderful. Though we may complain about the workload, the real challenge as a student of such a rigorous university is balancing heavy studying with extreme partying.

For example, let’s say that it’s 7:30 p.m. on a Wednesday, and you are at your desk with your face mashed into a dull and lugubrious text preparing for the next day’s mental boot camp, when a friend down the hall comes into your room and says, “Hey there are Jell-O shots, an ice luge in the shape of Bob Marley and a Beirut tournament sponsored by Girls Gone Wild at the I Phelta Thi house, let’s go!” Exciting, but here lies the conflict.

For the sake of argument, let us say that you are approximately done studying, that any further attempt to glue your eyes to another page you won’t understand is pointless and the best thing for you right now is to take a break and enjoy yourself. However, the worst preparation for an exam is to show up hung over, but the temptation to drink (especially from random encouragement) wherever you might be going is too much. What to do?

The following are a few tips that I have developed over the years that will help you have a good and sober time while appearing to be drinking, thus deflecting peer pressure and solving all dilemma:

1. Have a nice beer in your hand at all times. This is a trick I have learned (and forgotten) many times from clever ladies. If you are holding a beer, no one will give you a beer and demand that you drink it. Most people will assume that you have been drinking the beer and that the one you are holding is not your first but more likely your seventh or twelfth. It is important that the beer be bottled, not canned. Besides looking more high-quality, beer that comes in a bottle is important for two reasons. The first being that you look more dignified and mature; it is a conversation piece as to what fine beer you are drinking and why. Secondly, no one will try to persuade you to drink everything you have and then give you a new beer as they might if you were nursing a Keystone (there are exceptions to this rule, sorry).

2. Always hold a red Solo cup. This is similar to number one but importantly different in that you can have any color liquid in a Solo cup and it could be non-alcoholic. Drink Pepsi out of a Solo cup all night, and keep making comments about how much Captain Morgan you put in there, and even the most punctilious of partiers will not know the difference. An empty Solo cup also works because you can always be on your way to getting another drink. This approach is a fantastic escape plan for incessantly droll discussion.

3. Organize a drinking game. Be the life of the party without drinking by gathering a bunch of people for a game of quarters, then mid-game slink into the shadows while no one is looking. People at the party probably will not notice that you have left, but they will remember the party animal that started the game and drink merrily in his or her honor.

4. Use the old antibiotics excuse. This is a great one for all sorts of situations even outside of parties. “I can’t drink tonight, I’m on antibiotics.” What can anyone say to that? It is foolproof, but a little dangerous. You need a good disease back story for this to work properly because telling someone that you are taking Penicillin inexplicably is not the quickest way to his or her bedroom.

5. Bartend. Pour ridiculously strong drinks for other people. They will be too busy scorning your potent alchemy to notice that you are more sober than a CPA.

6. Find the biggest container at the party, fill it to the brim and drink from it. Want to look like the crazy, drunk guy at the party without the nasty side effects? Fill an opaque pitcher with whatever you want and drink so that whatever is in there sloshes down the sides of your mouth. Not only will no one question you about drinking, they will avoid you altogether. Want to impress a large gathering of people? Fill an empty Everclear bottle with water, get to chugging and watch jaws hit the floor (thank you, Mr. Dreyfus).

So have your fun and drink your (fake) beer, too. Do not let work stop you from seeing your friends, but do not let your friends stop you from doing your work.

Christian is a senior in Arts & Sciences and a Forum editor. He can be reached via e-mail at [email protected].

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