On July 20, 1969, man first landed on the moon. There he uncovered a vast array of mysterious objects, physical and theoretical enigmas which inspired awe and terror in those who but gazed upon them. It was thought at the time to be one of the defining moments in human history, one that would likely never be bested.

That is, until now.

Direct your attention to the item in question. It seems relatively normal, does it not? Well, to freshman Ari Kahn the answer was an unequivocal yes: “This appears to be a tri-helical, tungsten-based life form, with a slight nitrous scent and traces of raspberry and pepper.” Others who looked upon the object questioned its origin and function, but never were words such as “extraordinary” or “unreal” thrown around. To most nonscientists, this was nothing more than a plain-old boring rock.

Here’s another story, one which occurred on an average September evening not long ago. Two boys were trapped in a labyrinth known as the line at Bear’s Den. Their intention had been to order from the Grill, but they soon realized that they were actually waiting for the Fryer. Knowing that the service at Bear’s Den is oh, let’s say a bit on the slow side, the two decided to get food from the Fryer. Once there, they ordered mozzarella sticks and french fries and were (eventually) rewarded with two aromatic, artery-clogging appetizers.

The first boy found nothing wrong with the mozzarella sticks, other than that psychological burning sensation and the coronary cries for help that should regularly be expected from gorging on such a dish. The second boy’s french fries, however, contained something else.something evil, perhaps.

Actually it wasn’t evil, just mysterious. The second boy picked it up and calmly exclaimed, “What the [expletive deleted] is this?” The first boy’s initial thought was that it must be a moon rock that had been brought back from a NASA flight and somehow ended up in a frying pan in Bear’s Den (how exactly this happened is something far too complicated for this writer to even contemplate). Yes, to the two boys who were entranced like the man-apes gazing at the monolith in “2001: A Space Odyssey,” this object most certainly possessed some awesome yet heretofore undiscovered power.

Others saw it differently. Another customer in line was under the impression that it could be quite a while before he was able to order his food, let alone receive it, and so upon seeing the item he nonchalantly offered to “dispose” of it. The woman at the check-out looked the object over carefully in order to determine whether or not it required an additional charge. (It did not).

Upon finishing the rests of their meals, the two boys pondered whether or not it would be sanitary to consume the object in question. They eventually decided against it, mainly because the first boy thought it would make an interesting subject for his newspaper article.

And so we’re back to where we started, with a mysterious object resembling a moon rock. This is, of course, no moon rock; rather, it is (as far as I can tell) a fragment of solidified grease that accumulated from the cooking of french fries. Though it’s no anomaly (I’ve been to enough fast food restaurants to know this), that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth noting. Recently I stumbled upon (and by “stumbled upon,” I mean someone showed me) the nutrition facts for the food on campus. Here’s a telling statistic: three chicken tenders represent 94 percent of your recommended fat intake for an entire day. I think even the least health-conscious people would say that isn’t very good.

Now you should know that I don’t want to be your mother and (in a voice that falls somewhere in between Marge Simpson and the school teacher from “Peanuts,” because we all know that’s what adults sound like) tell you to “eat your vegetables” and “lay off the junk food” (for the record, I haven’t had a vegetable in ten years and my room is full of less than nutritious snacks). I just want to let everyone know that it is in fact possible to consume a meal whose volume of leftover grease doesn’t exceed the volume of the meal itself. Yes, I am a health nut who regularly wishes great pain and injury upon those who can eat whatever they want whenever they want yet manage to gain no weight, but this is about something more. It’s about avoiding not only the “Freshman 15″ but also the risks that come with eating fatty foods.

Trust me, as someone who used to have very high cholesterol, I can tell you that it’s not something you want. I could churn out terrifying statistics, but I think it’s much easier to get the point across if you just look at the picture of the “item” found among some french fries one night at Bear’s Den (if you’re that desperate to see it up close, contact me and we might be able to arrange a viewing, although I’ve discovered that the half-life of grease isn’t that long). Please don’t become anorexic and/or bulimic and blame it on me, because I’m not telling you that you can’t eat anything. Just keep track of what you eat, and when your body tells you it’s time to stop, know that “no means no.” So by all means, take advantage of the great selection of delicious food available on and off campus, but just remember that when you eat, eat responsibly.

Brian is a freshman in Arts & Sciences. He can be reached via e-mail at [email protected].

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